Done at Last! Done at Last! Praise God Almighty, We’re Done at Last!**

**Ok, so technically we weren’t completely done, because two days after our renter moved in she called to tell us the front storm door fell off its hinges, so I was back over there again today with the handyman …. But for the most part, we are done!

Don’t worry, this isn’t turning into some kind of home-improvement blog. The one thing that renovating a rental property has taught me is that the Bob Villa gene obviously skipped a century or two in my family, and I have no desire to repeat the process anytime soon. While pleased with the work I accomplished, I also discovered there’s a whole lot more I *can’t* do than I can, and perhaps serving as landlord is better left to the “handy” people of the world. But for better or worse, it’s done now. Although I did really like the part where I got to buy new stuff.

It’s not that I even think our before and after pictures are that interesting, but by golly, this is the project that has taken up the vast majority of my time since we moved here, and so I’m going to post them. I reckon I’ve spent almost as much time there, as I have moving myself into my own house. We spent way more money (hence the reason our son is still living in a closet) and man-hours (I remember thinking I would have the whole house painted in a few days --- ha! Pity the fool!) {that fool would be me, in case it wasn’t clear} than we intended; I’ve had paint in my hair for two months, ruined at least three manicures, have freakishly overdeveloped shoulder muscles thanks to the paint roller (no lie, I broke one IN HALF with my strength! And well, with my really bad posture) and I am on a first-name basis with the paint guy at Home Depot. I’ve single-handedly made SEVERAL of my handy-man’s mortgage payments, spent many evenings away from my family, felt the thrill of manual labor (not) and the self-satisfaction of a job well done. And all things considered? I. AM. SO. OVER. THIS. PROJECT.

But in the meantime, for your viewing pleasure:


The master bedroom BEFORE:





The master bedroom AFTER:






The front bedroom BEFORE:



The front bedroom AFTER: (and I have no idea why the walls look so baby-shit yellow because they are actually tan in real life):







The middle bedroom BEFORE:



The middle bedroom AFTER:







The bathroom BEFORE:





The bathroom DURING:





The bathroom AFTER:







The kitchen BEFORE:







The kitchen AFTER:








The living room BEFORE:





The living room DURING:







The living room AFTER:






And then I was going to do some cute little Photoshopped images of ME, before and after, but quite frankly, I'm sick and damn tired of the whole thing.

It’s All Greek to Me

So our soon-to-be renter came up with a great proposition for us --- if she would supply a dishwasher, and agree to leave it when she moves out, would we be willing to pay to have it installed in the house? Sounded like a no-brainer to us, so I whipped out my cell phone and called my handy-man (why yes, as a matter of fact, I DO have him on speed-dial --- you want to make something of it?)

So Mr. Handy-Man-Boss-Man and Mrs-Probably-Crushes-Beer-Cans-With-Her-Forehead** came over yesterday morning to look at the kitchen and decide how/what/when would be the best way/place to install the dishwasher. Should we take out this cabinet? Take out that cabinet? Put it in the old refrigerator spot? Etc. This was pretty much the conversation that followed, word for word:

Handy-Man-Boss-Man: I think as long as you get an extra-long hose, the drainage will run to that space just fine.

Tough-Girl: Do I need to run a new electric, or just use the existing outlet in the cabinet?

HMBM: Use the outlet in the bottom cabinet and for the top we’ll tack the extension to the underside of the cabinet. Kristie, would you like us to install a shelf a few feet above the dishwasher to hold a microwave?

Kristie: Ooooh, pretty!

HMBM: Just make sure you get a 3/8th valve.

Tough Girl: You think 3/8th? Or 5/8th?

HMBM: I think 3/8th, as long as you get a 3-tap extension cord.

Tough Girl: I’m going to need a splitter for the hot water line.

HMBM: You can just pig-tie the line if that’s easier.

Tough Girl: You think a j-hook would work for the drainage?

HMBM: Oh, yeah, a j-hook will work fine. Remember to cut a hole in the 1/12th wood for the cord from the microwave.

Tough Girl: You want me to secure the 1/12th with 2 by 4 or 1 by 2?

HMBM: Oh, 1 by 2 will be plenty. Just make sure you round the edges and sand it so it looks nice.

Tough Girl: You want me to get a left splash for the wall-side?

HMBM: Yep, that should take care of it. And don’t forget the connector kit with a 3-mip elbow joint. Kristie, what do you think?

(pause)

Kristie: Ooooh, pretty!

I mean seriously. Do I have ANY idea what they’re talking about? No. Just tell me to whom to write my check and it’s all good. Don’t make me feel like a moron because I don’t know the difference between a three-quarters pig tie and a two by four j hook drainage splitter. Or WHATEVER.

**Ms. Tough Girl and I were chatting before Boss-Man showed up, and she mentioned that she was going to night school to get her IT certification; that she only does this handy-man gig to pay the bills in the meantime. Then she told me that she has her masters degree in psychology, but that private counseling, which she did and she loved, unfortunately doesn’t pay enough unless you have your PhD, which she doesn’t want to get right now.

So, great. She’s handy, technical, in tune with her inner child, probably could analyze MY inner child, and could kick my inner child’s ass in arm wrestling. Geez, I feel like a loser around her.

Countdown T-minus not enough days

Well, it’s official, we have a renter lined up for the yellow house --- she is moving in on the 15th. Which means I have nine days to finish all the painting. Or less than nine days, if you consider that on Thursday I’m volunteering at the school, and Friday night is Brayden’s birthday slumber party so who knows *when* I’ll get over to start on Saturday, and of course Sunday we have church all morning, then I have appointments two days next week, plus I volunteered to help with the Cupid Express every morning at school ---- all those sorts of non-urgent, but still-sucking-all-the-free-time-out-of-your-day-sorts-of-things that seem to take over the lives of mothers everywhere. All of which means I better get myself over there and start painting immediately, because those 30-minute home improvement television gurus are lying bastards when they make it look so easy and fast.

That or I’m just a really slow painter.

Or both. It could be both.

Reason #983749387 I am not qualified to do home repair

Although it sounds odd to me, I have a handyman. A handyman that I really like because he calls when he says he will, and shows up when he says he will, and does exactly the job he says he will do, for exactly the price he says it will cost. Compared to some of the home-improvement-handyman-nightmare-stories I’ve heard from others, I realize that this is perhaps not normal, and I am indeed grateful.

I had hoped to do the vast majority of work to our rental property myself, and I **did** do a lot of it. But a lot more of it was stuff that I simply didn’t know how to do --- replacing sinks and cabinets, capping gas lines, running electrical and refinishing hardwood floors. Then, because I got spoiled with my handyman, and also because I got lazy and had to admit that the novelty of doing the work myself was wearing off, I hired him to do some other jobs that I probably *could* have done myself, but quite frankly, didn’t want to do, because I had other very very important things to do ... like .... um, .... sit around and watch my tivo'd episodes of the The Biggest Loser and Dance War. The tasks of painting the baseboard trim, adding quarter-round to the trim around the whole house, and hanging 17 sets of new mini-blinds fall into THAT category. Like Blaine says, time is money, and sometimes it’s more logical to pay someone else who can do it quicker and (in all honesty) better than I can.

Now, my handyman is actually a man who owns his own business doing home repair and remodeling, and he has several employees working for him. Yesterday, when he said he was sending someone over to do the trim work and the blinds, I (naively and stereotypically, I confess) expected it to be a man. I did NOT expect it to be a woman. A woman who was pleasant and friendly, to be sure, but who no doubt could kick my ass in an arm wrestling match if it came to that. This chick is Home Depot-denim, through and through. In fact, she could probably kick *Blaine’s* ass in an arm wrestling match, also, and change the oil in her truck with the other hand at the same time.

So yesterday morning, she had her power saw set up in my kitchen, and her drill hanging off her belt, and her smoker’s laugh, and watching her, I realized what a freaking weenie I am. I outweigh her by at least thirty pounds, and I’m probably ten years younger; you’d think I’d be tough enough to hang my own damn mini-blinds. So in a pathetic attempt to impress upon her that I am a woman of the 90’s,** capable and confident, I decided to do a few of the smaller projects that I’ve been putting off (again, read: lazy) at the same time that she was working --- you know, if we worked side by side, maybe we would have a sort of female bonding episode, like we were both Tim the Tool-man Taylor, if you will.

First I grabbed a straight edge razor and took several layers of old paint off the windowsills and trim in one of the bedrooms. That went ok, but quite frankly, I was sitting on the (new) hardwood floor and it was really cold on my butt. Then I was going to change the light bulb in one of the hallway light fixtures, so I dragged a ladder over there, but couldn’t get the screws undone to remove the fixture because they were screwed in really tight (I’m not kidding – really, really tight and it hurt my fingers!) and so I quit that project … whimper….

Still determined to impress her with my handi-man-ness, I found a project I could handle --- re-gluing the tiles that had popped off the wall in the bathroom. A few had come off completely and a few were loose, so I had purchased a tube of adhesive and decided to get to work on that. After all, if Ms. Bob Villa in my kitchen could work a power saw, surely I could handle gluing a few tiles, right?

So I cut the tip off the end of the adhesive and tried to squeeze some out onto a tile. But that stuff was STUCK in that tube! I squeezed, and squeezed again harder, and I couldn’t get ANY of it to come out. I mean, I realize I’m not a body builder or anything, but I wouldn’t have thought I was *that* weak! I briefly considered asking Ms. This Old House for help, but by golly, I wanted to prove my mettle in the home improvement arena, so I decided that if I didn’t have the muscles to make it work, then I would just put my weight behind it --- and I certainly have enough of that!

So I laid the tube on the counter and mashed down with all of my strength --- and the damn end of the tube popped off and shot adhesive all over the counter! I gave a dainty exclamation (I think my exact words were “Oh, shit!) and cleaned up the mess, then took the tube to show the handy-girl. I thought perhaps we could bond over the defectiveness of the product, and not that I’m desperate for friends here in this city or anything, but maybe after she would invite me out for shots of straight whiskey, or a knife throwing contest or something.

“Look!” I said, holding out the tube for her to see, “Look at this defective tube of adhesive! I mashed on it real hard, and the end just shot off and got sticky stuff all over the bathroom counter!”

She looked at me, just looked at me with this really funny look on her face. She sort of hesitated, and then said, “You *do* know that’s supposed to go in a caulking gun, don’t you?”

Hmmm. Something tells me I was the butt of a few jokes at her hunting lodge last night.

**Do you think my problem could be that the 90's are over? And I perhaps peaked about ten years ago???

Off to a Great Start

Sorry for the lack of updates the past two days, but the vast majority of my time has been spent at our rent house. Yesterday, from 8:30 in the morning (floor guy) until 10:30 at night (cabinet guy). Since I can’t paint while they are sanding the floors, I spent the vast majority of the day sitting in a lawn chair in the master bedroom, watching “The 40-yr old Virgin” and “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” on our portable DVD player and re-reading Outlander by Diana Gabaldon. I did leave long enough today to have lunch with my mom, though, and Blaine took the evening shift tonight to give me a break. Although sitting alone at the rent house while big burly men work is a lot easier than being in the “real” house and having to get these three hooligans bathed and in bed at a decent time.

On another note, I began the New Year with the plan to eat healthier and be more active. So, by sitting down, watching movies and reading all day, I think my EYE muscles are going to be good and strong. I’m definitely accomplishing at least one of my goals. And who cares that my mother introduced me to the goodness that is fried green beans today -- have you ever *had* fried green beans? No? Then trust me, you should get you some. I’m pretty sure that the healthy-ness of the vegetable cancels out the bad-ness of the fried and that the bean juice will help unclog my arteries.

Yeeeeeaaaahhhhh. Diet. And exercise.

I’m off to a rollickin’ good start, aren’t I?

Not his fault

I feel like I should point out, in Blaine’s defense, that he was interested in hiring a painter right from the get-go for the rent house. *I* was the one who was all, “Hey, let me! I’m pretty handy, and I’ll save us all kinds of money, and Vern Yip makes it look so easy --- it will be FUN!” And for the most part, it has been fun. Just slightly annoying because I so drastically underestimated how long it would take, and how many coats it would take, plus add in a loss of electricity due to an ice storm which slowed me down by almost a week, and a husband who caught the flu or a stomach bug or *something* on New Years Eve and JUST stopped puking TODAY and who for goodness’ sake expected all sorts of unreasonable things like for me to pour him Sprite and bring him Saltines really, the nerve, didn’t he know I had painting to do???? …… and so bottom line, the painting is not going to be done when the guys come to put in the new floors on Monday like I had hoped.

Other than *THAT*, it’s been fun.

And while I still haven’t caved and called a painter (although dudes and dudettes, the ceilings? Seriously? I rolled the bathroom ceiling with primer tonight and my GOD am I out of shape, even with my freakishly overdeveloped shoulder muscles there is no WAY I am doing the entire rest of the house … funny, when we were thinking about living in it, the house seemed so tiny, and now that I’m painting it, it’s a freaking mansion is all I’m saying) I do have a handyman coming to give me an estimate on replacing the bathroom cabinet and sink tomorrow, and an electrician coming next week to replace all the lighting, and honestly, there’s a wee bit of light at the end of the tunnel and I am SO extremely hopeful for the final outcome.

Whew! Pictures to follow, whether you want them or not.

And for now, I think I'll shut up about it.

In the meantime, in an effort to not let our entire Christmas Break be a wash, I promised the kids I would take them bowling tomorrow. As you might remember, we don't always have the best of luck bowling. So wish us luck, 'kay?

The Ugly Voice of Reason

Blaine: “All I’m saying is that it’s taking a really long time, and maybe we should explore some other options. ”

Kristie: “Wah-wah-wah” (imagine the sound of the teacher voice in the Charlie Brown movies.)

Blaine: “Well, no, just that we both thought you’d be done by now. At least with the first coat.”

Kristie: Charlie Brown voice.

Blaine: “Yes, I *know* that it’s not your fault that the kids are off on Christmas Break and don’t want to spend every day there. It’s also not your fault that the Home Depot guy was all liar liar pants on fire about the paint and primer and now it’s taking longer because you’re having to do three and four coats …. It’s just that, well …..”

Kristie: Charlie Brown voice.

Blaine: “I would help you if I could, but I can hardly take off work from my brand new job to do it during the day.”

Kristie: slightly cranky Charlie Brown voice

Blaine: “Of COURSE I think you’re doing a wonderful job --- the parts that are finished look great. You’re swell, honest! It’s just that …. Well …. We need to be realistic and weigh the cost vs. the savings.”

Kristie: Charlie Brown voice

Blaine: “You know, compare what we’re saving to what we’re losing. For every week you spend painting, that’s a week we can’t have renters in it, and another week we’re getting no rental income. So in the long run, the savings of not hiring a professional painter, and the time we’re losing, is costing us money.”

Kristie: Charlie Brown voice

Blaine: “No, it’s not that I think a professional painter could do it better, and certainly not with as much love and caring as you’re doing it, just that they would do it ….. well ….. faster. You’re slow.”

Deathly. Still. Total. Mutinous. Silence.

Blaine: “Ow! Ow! Stop hitting me with your freakishly overdeveloped arm muscles!!!”

All In The Family

"So, kids, what did you do for your Christmas vacation?"

Jimmy: "I visited my grandma and grandpa!"

Susie: "I went to Disneyland!"

Johnny: "I went skiing in Colorado!"


Escoe Kids: "We were put to work like the free slave labor we really are!"


"Ugh, mom, this stuff is messy!"



"Hey, why are we working so hard and you're wandering around taking pictures?!"




"That's exactly what I want to know, too."



"Just don't look at her and maybe she'll go away."



"I'm telling you, keep your nose to the grindstone and we'll be finished with this room and released from this nightmare so we can go outside to play. You hear that Mom? PLAY, like kids are SUPPOSED to do on Christmas Break, not work our fingers to the bone painting?!?!??"



"Well, look at the bright side. By the time we're done, we'll have freakishly over-developed arm muscles just like our mother."

Picasso I’m Not

Power was restored last week. Can you guess what I’ve been doing??




Lesson #1: Primer is a necessary evil in life.

Lesson #2: You might think lesson #1 only applies to walls or large spaces, but in fact, it also applies to doors, trim, baseboards and cabinets.

Lesson #3: Especially in houses where the wood that makes up the doors, trim, baseboards and cabinets is a bazillion years old.

Lesson #4: Painting on wood that is a bazillion years old is the equivalent of painting on a sponge.

Lesson #5: Our rent house is approximately a bazillion years old.

Lesson #6: Those fancy paint rollers you bought won’t work too well on wooden doors with recessed panels or trim or baseboards or cabinets …. So make sure you buy a good brush, because you will paint it all by hand. ALL by hand.

Lesson #7: “Yes, ma’am,” said the Home Depot guy, “This is the best primer on the market today. One coat of paint over the primer should be all you need” equals BIG. FAT. LIE.

Lesson #8: One coat paint plus one coat primer plus one coat paint plus one more coat of paint because for pete’s sake I can still see the streaks equals a lot of fucking coats, all done by hand.

So, I hope today’s lessons have been helpful.

Signed,

Kristie, the girl with the freakishly overdeveloped right deltoid muscle

It’s not even Noon and I’m already a Big Fat Failure

I had big plans today. Big plans. As you know, we own a rental property here, just a few blocks from our house, which needs a bit of work before it’s available again. (Code for “before someone is willing to PAY US to live there.”) Inspired by such shows as “Flip this House” and “Pimp my Shack”, and inspired also by the state of our wallet, we’ve decided to do as much of the work as possible ourselves. And of course, since Blaine just started his new job and can’t hardly take off to play handyman, that means *I* am doing as much of the work as possible. And since we all know I can barely open a can of green beans without slicing off a finger, let alone install cabinetry or refinish hardwood floors, that basically means I’ve been calling lots and lots of service people on the phone. Whew! The work is exhausting!

But the few things I think I *am* capable of doing, I’m trying to do myself. Blaine and I ripped out the carpets last week by ourselves (achoo!) and I went to Home Depot (hereafter referred to as “That Man Place That Steals My Money”) on Friday and bought all the paint I need to repaint the entire interior of the house. Walls, trim, cabinets, you name it, I’m going to paint it.

I bought drop clothes (although dude, they’re refinishing the floors and putting in new carpet, does it really matter?) and paint brushes and trays and rollers. I even remembered towels so that I could kneel on the floor without hurting my dainty little kneecaps. I got up this morning and put on some old clothes, eager to strap on a tool belt and get to work. Because by golly, painting is something I can DO and I can’t wait to dig in to a little manual labor. Nothing puts you in touch with your own body like a hard work and aching muscles. Let’s go!!

I walked the kids to school, returned home, and discovered I had locked myself out of the house. So I sat in the garage, slowly turning into a Popsicle for two hours, waiting on the locksmith to show up. (note to self: perhaps consider hiding a key somewhere, you MORON.) Finally the locksmith came, worked for forty-two seconds, got me in my house, and requested his $55.00 service fee. Seriously, Blaine is in the wrong damn profession!

I got in the house, gathered my purse, got a death grip on my keys, and headed over to the yellow house to get to work painting. I might be delayed by two hours, but I still had time to make LOTS of progress!

Only to discover thanks to last week’s ice storm, there is no power in the house whatsoever. No lights, no heat. And as I was walking around the house, muttering under my frosty breath about where’s the damn power box, my cell phone rang. Last week when my new living room furniture was delivered, one of the legs on my chair was broken. The repair men were sitting in the driveway of my other house, wondering why I wasn’t there so they could fix the chair.

Oh, geez, I don’t know --- because nobody called me to tell me they were coming!? Only apparently they did call the home phone this morning, which I couldn’t answer because I was locked in the garage freezing my ass off.

It’s not even noon and I’ve accomplished NOTHING today.

Wonder how the afternoon will go? At the rate I’m going, I’ll either have a car wreck or burn my house down.

Wish me luck! (she said sarcastically)

The Money Pit

Since the movers aren't coming until tomorrow with our things, we had some time to kill today and decided to visit our rental property here. If you remember my blabbering last summer about the first house we bought, desperate to get in the school district, but then hated with the intensity of a thousand burning suns, you already know we decided to keep it as rental property after finding a much-better-for-us house to live in just a few blocks away.

We had "renters" in it {cough} my sister and her family {/end cough} for the past eight months or so while their new home was being built, and we knew it would need a little bit of work before we could advertise it for rent again. A little. A teeny tiny smidge of work.

So we went today and walked around, and poked and prodded, and basically, summarized the eensy beensy bit that needs to be done to the place:

*Carpets need to be ripped up in the living room, hall, and all three bedrooms.
*Hardwood floors underneath need to be sanded and re-finished.
*Or, we say the hell with it and go to Big Bob's Used Carpet Remnants.
*Bathroom floor needs to be replaced.
*New sink and cabinet in bathroom.
*Bathroom desperately needs additional lighting.
*Section of wall above shower is falling off.
*Kitchen needs new flooring.
*Kitchen cabinets need to be sanded and re-painted.
*Part of the ceiling near the hot water heater is falling down.
*Kitchen sink needs to be replaced.
*Trim throughout entire house needs to be repainted.
*Walls throughout entire house need to be repainted.
*Possible roof leaks in two of the bedrooms.
*Possible stagnant water under the house because dear God what is that smell?

Good Heavens, it's a miracle my sister didn't report me to the Slumlords Association of America.

So in a nutshell, does anyone have the phone number to "Flip this House"? Or "Extreme Rental Home Makeover"? Or "Heaven Help Us We Were Total Morons to Buy This Dump and We Know NOTHING About Home Repair and We Are So Screwed"???????

PS. Less than 24 hours until the Cox guy shows up to work his high-speed magic and I am connected to the internet from my home computer and once again I will have e-mail at last, e-mail at last, Praise God Almighty, e-mail at last!!!!!

PSS. Reminder to go to: Marey's site and order your cute-as-a-button Santa Plate before the holidays. I don't want to freak anyone out, but today is the 25th, people, exactly ONE MONTH before Christmas, and you NEED to have this plate in your possession by Christmas Eve. If you already have a plate, please consider making a donation, because the fundraiser truly is an admirable cause.

PPSS. Kim, I know! I can't get my *(*#&$(#&*$ cell phone to work here, what's up with that it's always worked before, and I'm roaming all the #)$&#)*(% time and it only rings once before booting everyone over to #(*&%$#(*&%$*(#& voicemail. I am SO SORRY!

PPPSS. E-mail --- 24 hours!!!!!!!!!!