Saturday, December 01, 2007

Quick! How do I look?!

You know that fantasy everyone has? Or at least, that all women have? About running into an ex-boyfriend at the grocery store? And in the fantasy, you’re looking all fabulous, having just come from the hairdressers, and coincidentally you are wearing your favorite jeans, the ones that make your rear look the smallest, and luckily you’ve just gotten over the stomach flu and lost ten pounds, and your make up is fresh, and you just happen to be laughing, tossing your golden mane at the exact moment the ex (bonus points if it’s an ex who dumped YOU, instead of the other way around) comes round the aisle and sees you in all your spontaneous glorious fabulousness …. You know that fantasy?

Not to be confused with the NIGHTMARE, the one that also involves a grocery store and an ex-boyfriend, but in this version you are wearing your rattiest sweat pants that do nothing to hide your saddle bags, and you still have on yesterday’s old eye makeup, and you’ve gained about a zillion pounds, and your hair is pulled up in a ponytail and pulled through a ratty baseball cap? Do you have that nightmare also?

And can you GUESS which one happened to me tonight?????

Well, technically, it was the nightmare-once-removed, because it wasn’t my ex-boyfriend, but my ex-boyfriend’s wife, who used to sit next to me in high school biology. (Remember, small towns rock!)

Brayden and I were at the grocery store, buying something to make for dinner because even my children are sick and tired of eating at McDonalds, and I figured now that I’ve unpacked the saucepans and the crockpot, it’s about time I started cooking real food again. I deserve a break today, my ass, I think my family deserves some fruit and vegetables.

So there I was, pushing a cart through Wal-Mart, wearing the afore-mentioned sweat pants and a huge baggy sweatshirt. I *did* at least shower today and put on make up, but my hair was totally pulled up in a scrunchie, and since I’d been unpacking boxes all day, pausing only long enough to go to my nephew’s basketball game, I am pretty confident the make-up had all but faded away. Let’s just say NOBODY was confusing me with Claudia Schiffer.

And as I was pushing along, bitching out loud about how this Wal-Mart is set up all different and wrong than the one in Georgia, and nothing is where it is supposed to be, and Pepperidge Farm Stuffing, for God’s sake, where is the Pepperidge Farm Stuffing?!?!?! she turned the corner and stepped right in front of me, facing the other way.

It’s been close to twenty years since I’ve seen either of them, and of course my first thought when I saw her was, “Holy crap, where is **he** and is it too late for me to run and hide behind that large display of cornstarch????”

Now, just to clarify, this isn’t THE boyfriend, the-THE boyfriend (we all have one, of course), the one that broke my heart and left me like a sack of garbage on the side of broken-heart highway. No, *that* one I’ve already bumped into and made my peace with. But this one was the “first” one, and he was a great guy. I have nothing but happy memories and fond recollections for that relationship, which lasted almost eighteen months, which everyone knows in “high school time” is practically forever. Naturally, at the ripe old age of 17, I was pretty devastated when he dumped me.

Damn, I got dumped a lot when I was younger, didn’t I?

Anyway, happy memories and fond recollections aside, I still didn’t want him to see me looking like that. So I whipped the scrunchie out of my hair, ran my finger over my teeth to make sure there was no lipstick there, and followed her for a few feet, waiting for him to make his appearance. About the time I realized she must have been there by herself, since he never materialized, she stopped to look at something on a shelf. I kept walking and got ready to pass her, wondering if I should stop and say hello.

I mean, if he’s not there, maybe I got lucky and squeaked by. I would hate for her to go home and say to him, “I ran into Kristie at Wal-Mart tonight --- boy, you dodged the bullet on that one! I wouldn’t have even recognized her! She’s got to be thirty pounds heavier than she was in school, with huge dark circles under her eyes, her roots are grown out at least two inches, and it appears she shops for her clothes at Bob’s Sporting Goods.”

Seriously, that is NOT how the fantasy goes at all!

As I pulled up alongside her in the aisle, I turned, thinking I would have no choice but to say hello (and to be honest, I always liked her in high school so saying a pleasant hello wouldn’t be the most difficult thing in the universe) and I took a good look at her --- and realized ---- I wasn’t so sure that was her after all. I mean, she looked sort of the same … basically …. pretty much …. but twenty years is a long time, and I wasn’t positive. If it *was* her, she’s definitely changed. At least some. But haven’t we all?

So I walked on past, without saying anything.

I figure now she’ll go home tonight and tell him that I’m old, fat, disheveled, wrinkled, ill-dressed AND RUDE!

Remind me again why small towns rock?

15 comments:

Meg from Georgia!! said...

OMG!!! I am so sorry! Take it from me, a 6th generation- same town girl...running into old boyfriends is bad, but their wives are WORSE!!! I have never sucked in a gut so fast!!!! I really hate the holiday weekends when I run into them at a local very famous hot dog place with their 5 kids and she is SMALLER than in High school! %(&@(%&!@_% That REALLY SUCKS!!

Renee said...

Oh shit, that's the worst! There are benefits to living FAR away from "home", isn't there???

jadine said...

What's even better is that you KNOW she's going to be reading this at some point. Word's going to get around (if it hasn't already) that Kristie is famous and has a blog.
Heh-heh, she's totally going to read this.

Grandma J said...

I bet hearing the kids say, "can we go to Walmart"? takes on a whole new meaning back home in your small town.

Just wait until summer rolls around and you start hanging out at the local pool. And yes, EVERYONE will be reading your blog by then. Shades, that's why they made them.

Caroline said...

That is one of my worst nightmares. Luckily my hometown isn't all that small, so I'm safe for the most part. And the guys I dated in college are almost all $%*&@$!# so if I ever saw their wife I would just feel sorry for her.

Thanks for the tips on Blogger and Flickr. I use Picasa for my photos now, but I really like the way your pictures are on there so I might need to use Flickr too. Picasa and Blogger are both part of Google, so you would think you could do something like that with Picasa, too. But since when does technology actually make sense???

Anonymous said...

I just have to say Hip Hip Hoorah! I'm finally caught up and can post comments that actually have relevance. I've been reading for 2 solid weeks to catch back up after I rediscovered you! I had the same thing happen in Prattville, Al. I did my Junior year in HS there and then went back with John. Saw my old boyfriend who was the manager of a local Piggly Wiggly. Hid in the cereal aisle until he went back in his office. Never did say anything to him. Sort of regret it, but not too much. Julie Hyzy

Anonymous said...

I live in a very small town. The same small town I have been in my whole life. We DO have a Wal-Mart and it never fails that if you go in there looking your "roughest" you will inevitably see someone you know. So, moral to the story is everywhere you go you will have to look your best. I never go out looking bad, uhhmmm.
Wendy in one of the smallest towns in Georgia (well it seems small to me since I don't get out much), Good 'ol Winder, GA.

Tiffany said...

Ohh I hate that. Being raised in this small Ga town, I woudl be looking my best and run in to no one. But I can run into walmart at midnight to pick up med. for sick kids in my pjs and run into everyone!

Anonymous said...

Yeah, but you got one up on her - Your FAMOUS!!! lol You should've re-indroduced yourself and mentioned your blog! :)
Elizabeth

Aviva said...

hey there! You don't know me at all, but I love your blog and I'm tagging you for the "7 Random Things" meme that's floating around. Look here for details: http://sickmomma.blogspot.com/2007/12/random-things.html

Anonymous said...

Oh good, that doesn't just happen to me! I think the most disappointing thing an old flame ever told me was "Wow! You look just the same as you did in high school!" I like to think i improved somewhat, because high school? Not so attractive! :)
Jeanette, missing you in Georgia

Amy said...

I have never posted but have been following your site and your Caringbridge site for a long time now. Thanks for continuing to share your life! You bring joy to my day as I can totally relate to many of your experiences. I too have a son named Kellen, he is 7.

Cathy in MI said...

You will get used to it... the running to Walmart and running into people when you don't look your best. I try not to do it but it happens and everytime I need something and throw anything on I see someone, oh well.

Are you going to post new 1st day of school pics from OK? And just how are the kids lovin' your school. I hope the transition is going good. Has Blaine started his new jog yet, or did he have some moving time off?

Cathy in MI said...

Ugh, typo, not jog... job. You probably knew what I meant anyway.

Catherine said...

Ooof...its always the nightmare for me too...

A friend introduced me to your blog tonight...I'm happy to "meet" you!
catherine