Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

Please consider this letter my request for 2008. I realize I’m writing just a tad earlier than normal, but what I want for next year is a bit ambitious, and I think you and your hard-working elves might need the entire 364 days to come up with what I need. You see, I want something bigger than a doll or a football or even a pink pony. I want something bigger than a new camera or new computer or even a shiny new car. In fact, what I want is bigger even than the end of famine, the resurrection of the rain forest … bigger, even, than world peace.

I want v-chip technology so I can program my kids’ personalities next Christmas to NOT be total brats.

I want the ability to pre-determine the attitudes and behavior of my children on Christmas Day. Maybe even a few days before and a few days after … but if that’s too greedy, just Christmas Day would be enough.

I want children who stay in their bedrooms until 7am like I’ve asked them to. I want children who don’t argue over whose turn it is to play Santa and pass out the gifts. I want children who don’t argue over whose turn it is to go FIRST when I say we’ll take turns playing Santa.

I probably won’t change any part of the actual gift-exchanging-and-opening part of the morning. My kids, thankfully, are pretty gracious receivers, and have always been genuinely excited to share what they’ve picked out for others. So for about an hour yesterday morning, things were good. But Santa, it was all downhill from there.

I want children who can manage to make it five minutes past the gift-opening part of the morning without losing part of their new toys already. Children who listen to me when I say it’s not necessary to open up every single game and every single accessory first thing, before we’ve even had a chance to organize ourselves and throw away the trash. Children who don’t pitch a complete fit when they realize the plastic shark’s tooth from their “totally awesome shark activity book is missing, aaahhhhhhh!” because they didn’t listen to me and ripped the damn thing open even though I told them to wait.

Children who don’t fight over who gets to watch their new movie first. Children who are willing to pick up the new toys and games and actually carry them upstairs to their rooms. Children who are willing to hang up their new clothes, for Pete’s sake, is that asking too much???? Children who will FREAKING LISTEN TO ME when I tell them we don’t have all the things we need to run the stupid, stupid, “I will kill my sister for buying him this” Creepy Crawlers factory, and who open up all the bottles of dye even though I told them not to and then pour the dye into the molds without putting down newspapers first like I asked on my brand new dining room table because why on earth should you listen to mom and then spill the dye on my brand-freaking-new placemats and who then, then, THEN have the nerve to get mad at ME because I don’t have a 60-watt candelabra light bulb which you of course need to make the Creepy Crawler factory work and what does he suggest I do just PULL ONE OUT OF MY ASS??????

Children who don’t call each other “Idiot!” and then cry when they lose at Kerplunk. Children who don't get angry when they can't do their new Wii Dance Party Revolution perfectly the very first time so they stomp around and talk about what a stupid game it is and how it's probably defective, anyway. Children who don’t misplace their brand-new iPod the very first day and children who don’t get mad at one another when one of them leaves his new chess set sitting on the edge of the table and then yells at the kid who walks by and bumps it and knocks everything to the floor, scattering kings and queens and knights all over the place.

Most of all, dear Santa, I need v-chip technology so that next year, we go more than one day past Christmas without hearing those two most dreaded post-Christmas phrases ever known to man:

“I’m bored!”


“There’s nothing to DO!

And Santa, if you can’t manage the v-chip, please let me change my request to an adult-only Christmas next year on a beach, just me, Blaine, some palm trees, and big ole’ pitcher of amaretto.

Yours truly,

And I swear I’ve been good,


PS. I suppose the highlight to all this, Santa, is that we're not Jewish. Because Dear Lord, if I had to go through eight days of this Hell, I would cancel Christmas and Hannakuh and Valentines Day, too.


Laurie said...

Oh, God! I'm sorry you had to go through this! But I'm sorrier that I'm actually laughing. Because I can see, clearly, that this is how my Christmases will be in years to come with my son and my bun-in-the-oven. Let me know if Santa grants your wish; I'll put mine on order early!

cakeburnette said...

We've actually managed to go more than 24 hours without either one losing their iPod. This might be our Christmas miracle for 2007. Want to hazard a guess at the date we'll discover Austin has lost his? :|

Lisa L said...

As wierd as this sounds, I'd rather your 'full' day compared to the one I was so freakin quiet at home (daughter at work and husb. called to the hospital all afternoon...)and 2 not home for Christmas...I was sitting around twiddling my thumbs and getting all sorry for myself about being alone! A strange new reality for me, for sure!

Anonymous said...

Were you a fly on the wall at my house on Christmas morning too? I swear, it doesn't take the lil' brats 10 minutes before they are complaining. My daughter got the game "Perfection" for Christmas then complained b/c I managed to get more pieces in it before the timer went off than she did. GRRRR!! Kids, I tell ya. I hope the eating was good at least.
Wendy in Winder, GA.

Ann said...

Love it, love it, LOVE IT! As a mother of four - I completely get it!

Kristie, you are the BEST.


Anonymous said...

And this is precisely the reason that I do not let my fosterbabies grow up in my house! Children (the walking, talking kind) are highly over-rated.

Happy New Year!

Dixie in CA

Cate said...


My nine-year-old nephew looked at his bounty yesterday before it had all been unwrapped (he's an only child and grandchild so there was PLENTY) and said, rather sheepishly, "Um, I'm surprised there're so many gifts here. I haven't really been that good lately." Yep, a kid who admitted he deserved coal in his stocking. Gotta love it. Between his ipod and his new Nintendo games, he was a very happy and grateful camper.

Anonymous said...

Having four children in the house, I totally agree with you!!! So today when the "I'm Bored" started, I started making a list of things that needed done and boy did they scatter to find something to do!! Thank God - one week and school is back in session!!

Brookville OHIO

jadine said...

"...PULL ONE OUT OF MY ASS??????..."

Seriously? You can't do this? I can totally do this.


Merry Christmas! :)

Monica H said...

Should I send Santa my request now before my children are even conceived? Maybe that would be a wise idea, don't you think?`

Grandma J said...

You really don't want that chip, even if there was such a thing. It would only ruin all your future memories! Happy New Year!

WendyK said...

Sorry, I had to laugh. There are days when I am thankful that my kids are still young (7,4,2), but we totally get the lost pieces UGH! Our Wii was a big hit, and they all got to play, so no fighting yay!

Donna said...

You picked a good year to ask, because Santa actually gets 365 days until Christmas 2008 (thank you leap year!).

We have avoided the boredom issue for a whole two days, but our Wii is brand new (and they are still mostly playing the sports games that came with the thing!).

There is still more to come for us. Weather permitting we head to Tonkawa, OK, on Friday for a visit with ggma. Then the real test begins--the week AFTER Christmas and BEFORE school starts again....

Patty House said...

Oh my! I'm sure my kids have missing parts that they don't even know are missing yet. lol!

My kids are usually well-behaved. It's the sil grouching because her daughter didn't smile perfectly that drive me nuts...

Candy said...

Kristie, this is Santa.

Forget it. You'd have had better luck asking for world peace.

Anonymous said...

Ha! Wait till you have teenagers. One of the great things is they LOVE to sleep in, even on Christmas morning! I had to WAKE them up at 9. And even though they got stuff they wanted, when they said "there's nothing to do" I reminded them about the MALL GIFT CARDS!! Woohoo! Off to spend their $$$ they went. Your day will come, I promise. Have a wonderful New Year. Loved the family pic, BTW. You look stunning, as usual!

Deborah from Cincinnati

Hyzymom said...

Oh Kristie! How I laughed! I do remember those days (they weren't that long ago.) Our day was very peaceful. Could be because our kids are so far apart in age - they don't want anything to do with each other's gifts. Small snag... We insisted that Brenna put her cell phone away during the opening of gifts. You'd have thought we asked her to put all her things in the trash. She didn't speak to us for the first hour. Whatever!! :o) Then she spent most of the rest of the afternoon on the computer "My Spacing" everyone. At least is was quiet. :o) Hope your New Year is more peaceful.

Marysienka said...

Hahaha! Never a dull moment in your house, huh? ;-)

On another note, how did you do the slideshow thing, with the pictures changing everytime we click on your blog?

Renee in Canada

Amy said...

LOL. I had to laugh at the part about the Creepy Crawler maker. "Santa" brought Abby a pokemon maker which is basically a creepy crawler maker except the molds are pokemon..but anyway...Santa failed to notice the need for a 60 watt candelabra bulb..which unfortunately I don't just keep laying I had to go and tackle the only freaking store open in Warner Robins on Christmas Day which was Walgreens. Thankfully they had the bulbs. I'll look closer next year to make sure we have all the required parts. ~amy finkler

lizinsumner said...

Christmas is the only time of the year that I'm glad that my son is an only child! Hope the rest of your holiday is quieter! Happy New Year!

Anonymous said...

YOU CRACK ME UP!!! I am laughing so hard because everything you said is so typical and true!!! My kids act the same exact way.

Rachael J.

we3jb said...

I hate to break it to you, but it doesn't get a whole lot better when they get older ... the 'toys' get more expensive is all. ;) But better you can appreciate the humor in it and love 'em in spite of it all!!

Stephanie said...

Dear Santa,

Please consider this my "ditto" to Kristie's request. Because I desperately need one of these gadgets in my house, too. Thank you!

(Oh yeah, it's that way at our house too!)

Mixed Up Me said...

I am sorry to say, but this was the funniest thing I have read in a long time!! Oh my goodness, I have tears streaming down my face from lauging. I TOTALLY feel your pain! I only have one 11 year old (daughter) so far, but trust me it's not easier with one!!!

Merry Christmas and I'll be rooting for your v-chip!!

Tracey in Calgary said...

I feel for you. I know your pain.

Merry Christmas and a very Happy, Healthy New Year, Escoe's!

Love Tracey, Steve, Quinn and Callum xoxo

ps need your new address to send card/photos.