So, school let out two weeks ago. Which only means one thing: summer is here. Which only means one thing: it’s getting hot. Which only means one thing: we are trying our best to stay cool. Which only means one thing: we’re spending lots of time at the pool. Which only means one thing: I have officially entered that time of year hated by most females: The Swimsuit Humiliation Era.
I have a confession to make: I only own two swimsuits, and I have been wearing them since our last summer in Ohio …. 2001. Which means these suits are seven years old. And while I suppose I should just be grateful I can still fit into them, the truth of the matter is that they don’t fit like they should, and it’s NOT because the fabric has shrunk. It’s because the rest of me has grown.
I suppose I could behave like a normal person and spend some time shopping for a new suit at the mall, cursing the swimsuit makers of America, and wondering who the hell decided full-length mirrors and fluorescent lighting in dressing rooms was a good idea. Instead, the beginning of every summer, I go on a desperation-diet in an attempt to drop at least ten (ahem, twenty) pounds so my seven-year-old swimsuits will once again cover my ass.
To that extent, I gave up sugar on Monday. Gave up breads and potatoes and pastas, and am going with a high protein, low-fat diet in an attempt to lose a few pounds quickly. Not a long-term solution, but one that will hopefully show speedy results. I didn’t realize, however, just how much I was missing my sugar until today.
We were at the water park (imagine that) and I was walking back from the concession stand with the kids. Brayden had curly fries, and Kendrie had nachos. Both of which looked delicious. And I had a Diet Coke, for which I was indeed grateful, but which wasn’t exactly curbing my carb cravings.
Then, a little girl walked in front of me, holding the most beautiful, most delicious-looking ice cream cone I’ve ever seen. I could only see the top of the cone --- a ginormous scoop of ice cream, vanilla I presume, covered in that yummy chocolate hard shell that I love so much. It was so luscious looking, so perfectly round, so decadent … for a half second, I honestly considered ripping that cone out of her hand and running. She was pretty short, I bet I could have beat her in a footrace.
I gazed at the chocolate cone, imagining it’s cold, frosty sweetness … imagining the way the hard shell chocolate would crack under my tongue …. Imagining the scrumptious vanilla ice cream underneath … imagining … wait, what? What is that????
Holy shit, that’s not ice cream. That’s a Dora doll, and the chocolate cone is Dora’s big fat plastic brown head.
I better start mainlining Hershey bars before the sugar low causes any more hallucinations, don't you think?
20 comments:
I just laughed so freaking hard. I know exactly what you are talking about. I picture that so clearly. I HATE DIETS!!
Hey Kristie,
That is soooooo funny!! The sad thing is that I can totally relate to everything you wrote, especially the swimsuit issues. Hang in there, hopefully the hallucinations will stop and you will see the fast results you are looking for without too much pain and torture!!!
Have a great weekend,
Cathy
Yeah, I just bought two new swimsuits in the same size as my old suit, the size I THOUGHT I wore...yep, they're both too small. And they're actually swimshorts, nothing skimpy, and STILL too small to cover my ass. I'm going to go cry and eat cookies now.
Melissa
I logged on just out of bed this morning....and laughed out loud! Thanks Kristie, I needed that!!
Pat in CA
Ok, that is up there in hilarity with your story of thinking bees were attacking you at the ball field and it was your arms - hahahaha! You always crack me up!
Teresa
Nashville, TN
That is hilarious! I can totally relate, but, no sugar, no white flours is totally the way to go for a quick loss. I finally remembered this year to start it in April, so my weight is reasonable and I'm ready for swimsuits, as well as eating ice cream and putting back on my winter weight. Hibernation you know.
Two words. Lands End. My 6 year old told me yesterday that I was so lucky because all of my swim suits have a skirt and she only has one with a skirt! They are a little more expensive, but last and last and some of the styles are very forgiving in the areas I need it most! (Almost, everywhere) We have the Dora bath toy that my girls have been dragging to the pool everyday. I will look at it a little differently now. Good luck with no carbs, it does work fast.
Have a great weekend,
Michelle
Funny...we were in OKC yesterday and happened to drive by the water park and I thought to myself, "I wonder if Kristie and the kids are there." I'm thinking that I spend too much time reading blogs...
I don't know if you need money or not, but I swear you could be the ERMA BOMBECK of the new millenium (we're still in the new millenium aren't we?. Call a newspaper and you will have a contract immediately!
Oh good grief! You crack me up! Just come to my pool in two weeks. I promise, no carbs! I also promise to hide the Dora doll!
Lands End. The best bathing suits ever. Pricey but, hey, you could still eat that ice cream cone.
~Dawn~
I know what you mean as well!!! But I don't have a Land's End suit, I spent big bucks on a Speedo brand siut at Kohl's a few years ago. It sure does wanders sucking the fat to my body so it doesn't all hang out and it has lasted a long time. I haven't put one on yet this year, but you crack me up!!!
One word: SPLENDA.
Almost as funny as the time you thought your white arm flaps was a baseball coming at you...my whole family still laughs about that at family meals. You crack me up :-)
I read this entry this morning and then this afternoon I went to the grocery store. They almost had to have an "Clean up on isle 12" due to my laughter (and weak bladder!!) when I saw the chocolate hard shell stuff!!
Meg
Thanks for the chuckle - and, I feel your pain. However, up here in Western Washington, the kids are NOT yet out of school, it is NOT yet hot (in fact, it's raining and cold!), and it is NOT yet summer - so, the annual humiliation has been postponed - indefinately. Can I send you a Dora doll????
Another plug for Lands End. Their suits are great and they have a model feature on their website so you can see what the suit might actually look like on you. PLUS, you can buy tops and bottoms in separate sizes and you can get long tankini tops so they cover your tummy more! Also, super return policies if it doesn't work out in person - good luck!
Julie in Madison, WI
Baaaaaaaaahahahaha!
Dora! Haaaaaaaaaa!
OMG! I laughed so hard at this. I bought a new suit last year, for a water park party. Retiring the suit I loved for... years. Now, this one has to last until I am a size six (never gonna happen), because it was so tramatic. I called my girlfriend from the fitting room to complain about every suit I tried on. Good thing I didn't have a camera on my cell phone back then, lol. I might have traumatized her. Got mine at Kohl's. It has a great tummy panel!
Sheri in CA
I laughed out loud too! By the way, as far as the swimsuits go, if you get up the courage, insanity, whatever - try Kohl's. I got a swimsuit there last year that said on the tag 'You can run, but we can hide ... your thighs." I knew that was the swimsuit for me! Much less painful shopping experience than I had anticipated! Go get an ice cream cone and let poor Dora have some peace!
Alayna
omgggggggggg im laughing sooooo hard i nearly fell out of my chair.... girl you crack me up... go get a ice cream cone!!!!!
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