The Birth Plan

Having determined that my ideal couple was “anyone who wouldn’t stand between me and the anesthesiologist”, I thought it was nice that my IM wound up being a nurse herself. (Ironically, the very first couple that the counselor tried to match me with …. The couple that turned me down …. He WAS an anesthesiologist. That’s ok, that match still wouldn’t have worked out, no matter how many wonderful drugs he could have smuggled me during delivery. **PS KIDDING!) In addition to working in the medical field herself, my IM had almost died when she lost their second child. So her appreciation for modern medicine was both professional AND personal. Obviously, a traditional, hospital-birth setting, with plenty of medical staff hovering nearby, was something they were all in favor of, so we were good to go.

At this point, with about two months to go until delivery, it was time for my counselor and me to discuss my Birth Plan. A Birth Plan is a written (or just thought-out, I suppose) idea of how you would ideally like the birth to go. It’s something that is recommended for anyone giving birth, but the agency especially recommends them for surrogate deliveries, since sometimes in the chaos that is “delivery”, you can lose focus on what is (or WAS) important to you. The birth plan is simply a way to make sure everyone – doctor, nurses, surrogate, surrogate’s husband, and the Intended Parents, are all on the same page, and have the same goals and expectations.

When my counselor called me to discuss it, she asked, “So, basically, what is your birth plan?” And I replied, “You know my birth plan. To have as many drugs as I need to be comfortable. And at the end, it would be nice if perhaps, maybe, hopefully, a real live baby could come out of my body.”

Somehow, I think she thought my expectations were a little low.

There were actually lots of things for me to consider, and she offered up other suggestions that had been important to other surrogates, for me to think about.

Was I comfortable having my couple in the room with me while I was in labor? While I was actually pushing? What if the hospital put a limit on the number of people who could be in the room? Who would I want then? Assuming I was comfortable having the couple in the room (I was) then where did I want them to stand? At the head of the bead? At the foot of the bed, so they could see their daughter being born? And see lots of other naughty bits? Was I ok with that? (I was not, sorry to be a prude, please stand at the head of the bed.)

What did I want to happen in the moments immediately after the baby was born? Did I want the doctor to place the baby on my stomach, as is traditionally done after delivery? Some surrogates feel very strongly that they be allowed to hold the baby first, and then they can physically “present” the newborn to his/her parents. Or they want the surrogate’s husband to be allowed that privilege, as a way of respecting his support during the entire process. In fact, I know one surrogate who felt strongly that she wanted to “present” the babies (she was having twins) to their parents, and explained to her IP’s how important that was to her. She wound up having an emergency c-section and was put under general anesthesia for the surgery. Her couple not only had the stress of making sure their babies were ok, but also making sure this surrogate, who they had grown to care about like a member of their own family, was alright as well. But this couple went way beyond that. They waited, several hours, to hold their own children, until the surrogate had come out of anesthesia, and could realize her dream of physically handing the babies to their parents. That is how much they respected the wishes of their surrogate ---- how freaking awesome is that?!?

Anyway, for ourselves, we were hoping our delivery would be a little less dramatic, but I did have a preference --- I wanted the baby to be immediately handed to her mother or father. I didn’t want her coming to me first. I felt as though my privilege had been to “hold” her for the past nine months …. Her parents should be the first ones to get that privilege once she was born.

More things to consider ---

Often, if a hospital has an available extra room, the family will be given their own room with the baby. In the event there were no extra rooms, however, after the baby is born and cleaned up, did I want the couple to have the opportunity to room in with me? Did I want the baby to stay in the nursery? Did I want private time with the baby, to feed her or change her? Some surrogates, either at the request, or with the blessing of, the Intended Parents, choose to nurse the baby in the hospital, or perhaps pump their breastmilk for the parents to bottle feed to the baby. Was I interested in either of those things? Was my couple?

Hospitals usually only give two wristbands, for people to have the right to check the baby out of the nursery. Obviously, they normally go to the mother and father … did I want one of the wristbands for myself? If not, did I want my couple to bring the baby to my room for visits?

And of course, the bottom line of any Birth Plan: realize that the unexpected can always happen, and be flexible if your birth plan goes to pot. Yes, it’s important to have a general idea of what you hope will happen, but it’s equally important to realize things don’t always go as planned. In my mind, the fewer expectations I had, the less likely I would be disappointed if something didn’t go the way I planned.

Finally, bottom line, I did wind up giving my counselor a list of a few specific requests:

I wanted to be able to take as many photos and video during that time as the hospital policy would allow. Turns out my couple also hoped I would feel comfortable if *they* took lots of photos, so we were all happy.

I asked that my children be allowed to visit the baby in the hospital. My counselor said not only was this allowed, but recommended. They were still young at the time; 2, 4, and 5, and I needed for them to see what this was all about. Thankfully, my couple said they couldn’t wait to meet my kids and that they were welcome at any time.

And then lastly, this is where the weirdness that is me became apparent. I have a *THING* … and I know it’s silly, and doesn’t make any rational sense, and in the big picture what does it matter anyway …. But I have this *THING* about the “ceremony” of allowing the father to cut the umbilical cord. Basically, that I think it is the dumbest, most superfluous, most inane example of stupid-ness on the planet. It’s this totally lame task that someone thought up … to what? Make the fathers feel important? Like they’ve contributed in some way? I’m sorry, but it’s no great skill to work a pair of scissors. My kids all learned in pre-school, and more important, I don’t think the act of cutting the cord makes a man a father. And, perhaps in a more subconscious way, I resent the symbolism of it. *I* grew this baby inside of me for nine months; *I* nurtured her; *I* pushed her out of my bagina ---- now a dad gets to show up and in one second .. SNIP! He’s an important part of the birthing process? No, I’m sorry, that’s just ignorant and asinine. He was an important part of the process nine months ago … now, he can bring me ice chips and smuggle me m&ms and simply stick around during my tortoise-labor to support me --- THAT is what makes him important, not cutting a stupid cord.

(I told you it was irrational and silly. But it's how I feel.)

When I was pregnant with Kellen and Kendrie, I tried explaining this feeling to Blaine, as a way of letting him know that I didn’t want him to cut the cord on either of them. I hoped it didn’t hurt his feeling, but I found it patronizing and insulting … and stupid. Have I mentioned stupid??? Blaine, thankfully, laughed, and said he could care less about cutting some dumb cord. Whew! But now I had to tell my counselor about this weird hang-up of mine, and that I didn’t think I would be comfortable with my IF cutting the cord.

She *did* think it was weird, but she told him. And while I have no idea if my IP’s thought it was weird or not, they were perfectly respectful about it. In fact, their exact words were that they had waited so long for this baby, a little cord cutting, or NOT, really wasn’t going to make any difference right at the end.

One final thing the counselor recommended was that Blaine and I work out a secret word, or secret code, for just the two of us. Then, if at any point during the labor or delivery things became overwhelming to me, and I reached a place where I needed to be alone, I simply needed to say the word. His job would be to recognize the word, and know that at that moment, he needed to find a polite, tactful way of getting the parents out of the room. The counselor explained, sometimes the physical pain, or emotions of what is happening can reach a point where you don’t want an audience. Maybe you just need a quiet moment to gather your thoughts, and collect yourself physically. And your husband’s job, as your primary support person, is to make sure you get it if you need it.

I told my counselor that I appreciated that, and would definitely take it under consideration. Then I called my IM and told her what my counselor had said. And told her that my secret code phrase, for when I needed them to step out of my room, was: “I need you to step the hell out of my room for a minute, please.”

Thankfully, she laughed.

And with that, I think our birth plan was in place. Weirdness and all.