Sunday, December 17, 2006

Life at the Bowling Alley

An Open Letter to the Red-Headed Lady Bowling in Lane 27 this afternoon:

Dear Miss,

I can understand that being assigned to Lane 27 at the bowling alley today, only to discover lanes 28, 29, and 30 were a child’s birthday party, probably wasn’t the best news ever. To be fair, though, you had a child with you, too, and I’m pretty sure your boyfriend was the ticket-taker at the 3-legged rooster exhibit at the sideshow area of this year’s county fair, so I was a little surprised by how uptight and hi-falooting you were regarding **our** company. But whatever.

My point is that although you might not have been thrilled to be right next to our group, had you actually paid attention, you would have noticed that our kids were pretty well-behaved and, in my opinion, not bothering you at all.

Which is why when my son, Kellen (he was the handsome young lad in the Motocross t-shirt bowling on the lane right next to you) came to me in the fourth frame and told me that he “lost” his ball, that in fact, you had taken it away from him and told him he couldn’t use it anymore, I was a bit confused. My first thought was one of embarrassment …. He must have been using your personal ball, not realizing. So I walked over to apologize and to point out to him which one was the 8-pound house ball that he needed.

Only to have you tell me that the 8-pound house ball was yours and he couldn’t use it.

Really? Yours? A house ball? Yours, yours, and only YOURS?

And to make sure he couldn’t use it, you had removed it from the community ball return and were holding between your feet on the floor.

Um, yeah. Seriously. I don’t know whether I was more annoyed, or amused. Oh, wait, yes I do. Annoyed.

So I schlepped myself to the other end of the bowling alley and got another, identical, 8-pound house ball and brought it down to the lane. And showed it to you, and made a very pointed comment about how “Now you don’t have to worry about sharing the ball, since I got him his very, very, very, very own.” And what was with the dirty look you gave me just then??

So, since the entire encounter leads me to believe you don’t understand the concept of house balls, I thought I would just clear up a few things for you:

1. You can’t DIBS a house ball. Even if you WANTED to DIBS a house ball, it’s not necessary. There are dozens more, and there is plenty of time for the ball to come back in the community return …. My son using the same ball as you is not going to make you miss your turn. It’s a child’s birthday party, for goodness sake, not the final game in the final match up of this year’s PBA Tour.

2. If you’re going to be that territorial about a ball, you should seriously consider buying your own. And having your name engraved on it, so no child makes the mistake of trying to use it. But FYI? When you do buy your own ball, it needs to be more than 8 pounds, because 6 and 8 pound house balls are for CHILDREN --- not grown women. If you’re over the age of sixteen and you’re bowling with an 8 pound ball, you better have some sort of muscle wasting disease, is all I have to say about it, or even better, be some kind of armless person who has to bowl with her teeth.

3. If you want to be taken seriously as a bowler, and the stupid wrist positioner you were wearing tells me that you do, you really need to invest in a 100% cotton bowling towel. Because while that “Seasoning and Spice” kitchen dishtowel you were using to wipe off your ball between throws might very well do the job, it makes you look like a total doofus.

4. Also, you should consider (and I mean seriously consider) taking a few lessons. In the fifth frame, your score was 32. Do I need to tell you that you suck, or do you already know? Because I would have thought someone as puckered as you are, who takes the possession of her house ball so seriously, would have at least broken 100 … and you didn’t even come close. Not to rub it in or anything, but my 7-yr old out-bowled you.

5. Lastly, your Mr. T necklace is ugly, and it’s past time to have your roots done. Not that those have anything to do with bowling, but I just thought you should know.

Happy Pins! Kristie

PS. To those of you who have been kind enough to ask …. I’m seeing a dermatologist tomorrow about my (finger quote) skin cancer (end finger quote). Not that it’s not really skin cancer, or that I’m not taking it seriously. I am. It just makes me feel better to be all melodramatic about it and use finger quotes. Yep, took four weeks to get an appointment. Good thing it wasn’t flesh-eating disease, or I’d have lost a limb or two by now. I’ll update after the appointment … for now, I’m just dreading having to disrobe in front of yet another stranger tomorrow. I thought that shit ended when I got married.

Gak. Maybe I can really round out my day by going bowling after and trying to steal somebody’s house ball.


Kathy said...

It never ceases to amaze me that there clearly is not a shortage of ass-holes in this world! I wish I could say that this gal had balls but fact is... she only had one and it didn't even belong to her!

Kathy (Alaska)

Anonymous said...

OMG, ok, I have to tell this story. I am a full-grown woman and I bowl with a 10 lb ball. But wait, this is MY OWN PERSONAL BALL, that happens to have MY OWN PERSONAL INITALS ON IT and everything... one night the bowlers beside me tried to take full and total possesion of it, saying it "fit their fingers perfectly" and thinking it was a house ball. Don't get me started on the fit I threw over this (and yes, there WAS alcohol involved by this time....) and seriously? One of us was leaving the bowling alley with scars if they didn't stop bowling with MY DAMN BALL! I'm happy to say it was eventually settled by my more peacefully minded boyfriend, but dammit, nobody better touch MY ball again.... ACK... Kristie, see what you've started? Here goes my potty mouth too!!
PS... this is Sherri Ross in Concord in case I have no idea how to sign in and let you know its me. See... I actually DO pay attention to what you say no matter how distracted over bowling balls I might get later.

Anonymous said...

Imagine...a white trash bowling experience in middle Georgia! Whodathunkit?

I sometimes compare the people you see at the Wal-mart here in little ole Bend, Oregon on a Saturday night to those you'd find at a bowling alley in Georgia on a Sunday afternoon. Sure some of them there are fairly normal, but what hole do the rest of them there critters crawl out of?

(yes, I am a Georgia native, but from metro Atlanta so I'm not sure if that actually qualifies me to call myself a Southerner or not)

Bend, OR but before that Coppell, TX and before that Bend, OR the first time but I started in Marietta, GA

Sheesh, you'd think I was military instead of media

Kathryn said...

Ooh. I can make things bold! Cool! Or, nice and italic, which when I was growing up thought was Italian, but that was in the 1950's and color tv had not yet been invented. So, I am glad you are going to see the doctor about that whole flesh eating bacteria thing. My husband finally got in to see our dermatologist last week about his flesh eating bacteria grossness on his hand and found out it is something called lichen planus, which not only sounds Italian but reminds me of mushrooms. He was given a cream that came in a tube covered with fine print. Of course he didn't read it. I couldn't find the magnifying glass and had to squint to read all the warnings. I think I puzzled all of it out. So far he hasn't grown another eye, so I guess he isn't having a reaction. Good-o on stopping that idiot next to you. What a witch! Happy holidays, and a wonderful new year! We are off to dote on a couple of GrandGirlies.

Deborah said...

Heh heh. I'm surprised there wasn't a throw-down right then and there. My money's on you. Hope you gave her a piece of your mind (and the number of your hairdresser). Love you tons!
from Cincinnati, you know, one of your surrogate friends? remember?

Anonymous said...

I can't believe you used a nasty house bowling ball! And worse, let your kids use them! I KNOW what a germ-phobe you are. I am giggling thinking about the amount of hand sanitizer, anti-bacterial soap, and who knows what else you made everyone bathe in when they were done bowling. I'm envisioning a scene from Silkwood... I am only teasing you - and I think every bowling alley must have a Ms. Seasoning & Spice...I'm just sorry she had to show up on the same day as the birthday party. By any chance did you get pictures? Come on, we all know about you and your digital camera! :)
Love your blogspot. You cuss away baby. We followed you from caringbridge, and we're not going anywhere!
Love -
Stephanie in KCMO

Jeanette said...

Be sure to have an amaretto before your doctors might take the edge off!!

Anonymous said...

I'm cracking up. I can't BELIEVE you didn't kick some bowling alley ass! Love, Shelley in Indiana

clarazimmerman said...

You go, sister! What an immature adult (the lovely wrist protecting, wimpy, party-pooping, take your bowling bowl and go home when you're mad lady)she sounds like. I feel better just having read your letter. Oh, and did the derm say what kind of skin cancer it is? May the force be with you tomorrow!

Shelly O'Reilly said...

You are soo funny! I enjoy your blog! You go girl!!!

A faithful CB reader...
Shelly O'Reilly

Anonymous said...

Fabulous!! You crack me up and i'm glad to know i'm not the only one who trucker talks.. Tiffany H - Indiana

Anonymous said...

Oh my lord what a weirdo that lady sounds like. The funniest part of the whole blog was the dish towel thing and the joining of the PBA tour- Hey you could tell her that there's a PBA tour going on about 10 minutes from my house she can come visit NY join the tour and I'll be sure to steal the house ball to throw at her head! I hope you enjoyed the party other than that silly lady!

Lots of Long Island Love,
Babylon, New York

Anonymous said...

Hi Kristie!
Just saw the news tonight; they said that there is foot fungus going through the airport...yuck, yuck, yuck! Another reason not to fly :)
Merry Christmas!
Debbie Eubanks

Patti said...

Followed you from CB, and will have no problem with the straight shit being spoken. It truly is amazing what a-holes there are **everywhere**.

Anonymous said...

OMG - how hysterical. I'm sure that lady felt SO important - sadly enough! ROFL!

Stephanie D. (from Lawrenceville via Kendrie's caringbridge site)

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh.. too funny.. no seriously I can always count on you to make me laugh. You need to write a book, about all the random things that happen to you, it would no doubt become a best seller.

Jen L (WI) said...

Coming over from CB - Oh man, I'm damn near peeing here! You make me laugh!

McKeon Family said...

You make me laugh all the time...
thanks for posting your Bowling Ball Story and your URL for your blog ...
I am a faithful reader!

Jan R.
Oak Park, CA

Micky said...

Because I love posting on outdated blog entries.
I'm grown (well, not grown... I'm 22) and I bowl with an 8- or 9-pound ball. In my defense I'm probably about the same size as Kellen, and due to wrist damage I can't hold a heavier ball. But did the family (two kids) a couple lanes over, who had hoarded ALL of the 8-lb balls in their return, care? Nooo. At least Seasoning'n'Spice only had one PERSONAL house ball!