Thursday, April 26, 2007

Speechless

I, Kristie Escoe, the girl who has something to say about everything, the girl voted “Most Likely To Talk To A Brick Wall” in high school, the girl who has put her foot in her mouth more times than is possible for mere mortals, was stunned speechless by the following conversation last night:

Emergency Room Tech: “So, when are you due?”

Kristie, who has practiced her answer to this question because she gets asked all the time and has perfected her chilly reply with the perfect amount of condescension in her voice in an attempt to render the questioner both embarrassed and uneasy: “I’m not pregnant. I guess I’m just fat.”

ER Tech: “You’re kidding. Did you just have a baby or something?”

Kristie, adding Death Glare Eyes and Snotty Tone to her reply: “Uh, yeah. A year ago.”

ER Tech, looking her up and down: “Hmmm. You got kind of lazy, didn’t you?”

Speech. Less.

Oh, wait. Why was I in the ER, you ask? So that my mother, "The Woman You Never Want To Have Visit You On Vacation" (because last time she was here she almost sliced off her thumb with a kitchen knife, for pete’s sake, and the time before that she pulled a muscle in her neck and I spent three damn hours in a Med Stop trying to convince the doctor we weren’t state-hopping drug abusers) picked last night to attempt to pass a kidney stone the size of an orange (her words, not mine.)

Never mind that the woman has never had kidney stones in her life, or that the only two times she’s EVER spent the night in a hospital was when she delivered my sister and me. She picked MY house, and OUR mini-vacation, for this exciting adventure.

Surgery was this morning. Lithotripsy, and more details, to follow.

PS. Thank you God, for letting Blaine get the flu and having his surgery be postponed. Otherwise he and I would have been in Augusta when this happened, and my mother would have had to call 9-1-1 and my children would have been traumatized and most likely taken away by DHS and probably be wards of the state by now, or worse, found a foster home that didn't require them to do all these pesky chores that we do and they'd like it better and want to stay there ..... amen.

47 comments:

Anonymous said...

Am I the first to post?!!

OMG?! WTF?!

Can you not ever catch a break? Well, they say that the Lord works in mysterious ways so obviously it was meant to be that Blaine's surgery was postponed so you would be available for your mother!

Still keeping you in my prayers!
Kristina, Ohio

Amy from St.Pete said...

Wow, I get to be the first to post a comment!! I sure hope your Mom gets the best care possible and is back to normal soon.
What in the hell is wrong with people these days? I don't ask anyone if they are expecting because you just can't tell these days. I think you are beautiful Kristie!! Maybe he reads your blog and thought it would be funny to read?
And because I was so slow now I'm not the first to post!! damm!!!

Amy said...

Your luck never ceases to amaze me.

Stacie W from MN said...

Kristie, maybe this will make you feel better - I have not given birth in 9 years. But as I was holding my foster...soon to be adopted...baby boy, a girl in our daycare who knows full well that I did not give birth to him, said "you look like you pregnant with another baby". I just smiled & thought "when you get older and have babies, I hope you end up even bigger than me! Or in the case of a male, that he puts on a ton of sympathy weight that he never loses!

Amanda J. said...

First of all, I hope your mom starts feeling better very soon!

Second of all. ER Tech? Absolute asshole. Did you tell him/her to fuck off? Because if you did, I wouldn't blame you one bit.

Gosh, why do people act like that and say these things? Don't they realize how mean they are? You're beautiful, Kristie. Don't listen to that clown.

Tamara said...

I guess that I am confused... You had a baby a year ago? I think I need more background story. Is this the surrogacy segment?

(also, good grief! People will say ANYTHING. It never ceases to amaze me how rude people can be.)

Anonymous said...

I have had 3 babies and kidney stones. Let me tell you that that kind of pain you have during child birth does not hold a candle to the kidney stones I had 5 years ago. Mine was removed surgically and was the size, yep that's right, the tip of a ball point pen!!When I asked if I could see it I was sure they were going to roll in this huge boulder. But nope, the tip of the good Dr.'s pen was all it was! So, yes, be very glad that your mom was not home alone with your family.
Lorianne

Anonymous said...

Wow. The balls of some people. You should have kicked him in the crotch or her in the chest. Whichever sex he/she was. WOW.

What a bummer about your mom! I hope she gets to feeling better quickly!

Kristin in NC

Megan said...

OH MY GAWD!!!!! What a freaking BITCH! You should have just told her that obviously she was missing the filter between her brain and her mouth and a stupid, rude bitch! I hope you mom is OK and that Blaine gets better. Tell everyone I said "hi".

Megan

Megan said...

ok my keyboard is sticking. This is the result of Derek eating bowls of cereal as a snack over the keyboard. I re-read my post "after" I posted and I left out letters because you have to pound on some of the keys to get them to work. I'm really not illiterate.

Megan

Lisa said...

Why am I laughing? Your poor mum must have been in so much pain, but your blog entry is just so very, very, good as usual. Love and prayers for you all.

Beth said...

Okay, that's a HORRIBLE story and a major Why TF is this person in the medical field question. I'm surprised (and a bit saddened really) that you didn't deck the tech (hey that rhymes -- it takes very little to amuse me.

But...I have the WORST comment ever made to someone when actually pregnant. I was at the end of my pregnancy with my twin boys, and ok, I was big. I was. I had 13 pounds of baby in there! So a guy got on the elevator I was on, and gave me the sidelong glance I had become used to at that point, loosely translated as "Holy, Mother of God, she is BIG." So I had taken to saying, "It's twins" to forestall any further comment.

This guy? Then says, and I'm not kidding. "Well, that's good. 'Cause you're a LOAD there." A load. For the love of all that is good and holy, why would someone say such a thing to pregnant woman who a)has raging and I mean raging hormones and is b)way damn bigger than him...I WAY could have taken him.

Beth
BlurbsfromtheBurbs.wordpress.com

As always, Kristie, you make me smile.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry I know it is NOT FUNNY but I am cracking up, laughing out loud at your entry!!!You are really funnier than any comedian I've ever heard. Seriously, I have read you for a while, not sure if I ever posted, but you have such a frickin talent at writing! And such an interesting life. I could tell some stories as crazy things always seemed to happen to our family too, but yours are much better
:
)!

Leeann said...

What the hell?? I am sorry to hear about your mom but dang, I am so upset about the stupid person asking you if you are pregnant! I have seen pictures of you and for God's sake, you are not big! Good Lord, I know that I am heavier than you! People don't ask me that but I am starting to think that they must think it all the damn time and just not say it! lol!!
I hope that ER person gets bit by a rabid deer. lol

Anonymous said...

Tammy in Fort Worth said...Dang girl, it never ends for the Escoe's! I hope you Mom is up and at it quickly so ya'll can get back to your mini vacation, shopping is so very important! As for the jerk that made the stupid comment, cut their tounge out and get it over with, dumbass! We love you just the way you are, 'PERFECT'!

laughing mommy said...

I get that pregnancy question from time to time too. And my practiced response is almost the same as yours...

"I'm not pregnant. Apparently, I'm just really fat." (Sad, mournful look to make the bigmouth feel even worse).

I think you should report that ER tech to his superior. That is a pretty rude way to talk to a patient or family member.

D said...

Oh Dear, Oh Dear, Oh Dear!!!!! Like Garth Brooks' song says sometimes we "thank god for unanswered prayers." I imagine seeing their granny go off in an ambulance would have been traumatic for the kids and for you.I will be praying that your mom has a speedy recovery.

I can't believe that idiot in the er. I sure hope you can report the moron.

Anonymous said...

Just for noting another level of my stupidity - "If your mom was obviously the patient - what difference did it make to the tech if you were or were NOT pregnant"?? I do hope you were able to speak enough NOT to let that asshole near your mom....Maybe your should work on a better comeback - like comparing your non-pregancy to their non-brains:)
Glad your children didn't have to face yet another medical trauma - just a quick close call - nothing a trip to Toys R Us for removing any potential deamons can't cure.........
Have a good weekend with everyone staying out of the damn ER

Sarah said...

I hope your Mom recovers great and that you slapped that ER tech senseless.

GRR.

Some people.

Melissa said...

Hope your mom is better. And let me say, in the photos I've seen of you, you do NOT look pregnant to me. I can't understand why you get the comments. Then again, several years ago, way before I was overweight or had any kids, I was mistaken for being pregnant also. I nearly died! I guess if you even have the slightest hint of a pooch, people assume you're pregnant these days!

cakeburnette said...

You definitely do not look pregnant in any way. But, I do think that the re-introduction of the empire waist (in dresses and blouses this season), which I personally love, but which in the past has generated those questions to me, and I don't really consider myself to be overweight, might be contributing to folks asking you that. (Wow, that's a big ole run-on sentence.) Not that it excuses them from asking such a personal question of a complete stranger. You are so beautiful and you do not at all look as though you are pregnant or have recently been pregnant. And I am WAY more intelligent than that ER doctor, so you must take my word for it. Seriously. Ask Austin.

HeatherB said...

Oh my goodness I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom!

I have passed 4 Kidney Stones myself and they are no fun!

Hope Blaine is feeling better as well.

Much love,
Heather in Ohio

jadine said...

Wha---?! They said what?!!! To your face?!!! I just want to kick them in the neck on your behalf. And on behalf of all of us out there who've had such stupid comments/questions directed at them. OMG.

Your mother: I'm so sorry to hear that she's going through such an awful thing! Imagine - to hear an ER tech insult her daughter like that! :) Seriously, I hope she's all fixed up and feeling better soon. Poor lady!

XO,

kim said...

I DO NOT FREAKIN' BELIEVE IT!!!! If I believed in things such as curses, I would say someone got you good! What can I even say. I'm sorry. For your Mom. For You. For Blaine. For each of your three children. And the dog. I'm just so sorry. That these things keep happening is NOT funny. Well, maybe just a little funny, which is why I chuckled. And I'm sorry for that, too. You SO rock!

Brenda in Niceville said...

O.M.G!!!!!!!
First and foremost, I hope your Mom is back to 100% very very soon. And out of pain! I've never experienced, but have heard that is a very painful experience.

And second, for the love of God, how did you not haul off and kick that ER tech? And how did you manage not to go off?

We are thinking of you all.

caringbridge.org/fl/tehlebracht

Ann Marie said...

Jeesh!!! You have so much going on!!!

the next good thing that happens to me.. I am going to pass it up and ask them to give it to you!!!

In all seriousness... WTF???? Some tech said that and they are still breathing??

Glad it wasn't me.. granted he would have asked when the TWINS were due but still.

Hugs

Anonymous said...

Okay, gonna remain anonymous here, but I just have to tell you that I've had that same dang question asked of me a few times in the past.
Once, it was before I was ever even pregnant! Agh! God, people, some women just carry their extra baggage in the front-belly-area, okay?
AFTER the pregnancy (okay, it's been 18 months) I can now just smile and say, "No, it's actually just leftovers from my son." ...and then pray they don't ask how old he is...which they usually do...and that makes the awkward situation even worse.
Just wanted you to know that you are not the only one suffering from remarks made by stupid people.

Anonymous said...

Report the a$$hole! What he said must be some kind of illegal harrassment!

I hope your mom is back on her feet ready to go shopping and out to lunch very, very soon!

Dixie in CA

Anonymous said...

Report the a$$hole! What he said must be some kind of illegal harrassment!

I hope your mom is back on her feet ready to go shopping and out to lunch very, very soon!

Dixie in CA

Care said...

Egads! I hope your Mom is doing okay.

Patricia, Garden City, GA said...

Could you all BE more dramatic???? I'm sorry...it's not funny that all these things happen to you, but to be honest, I've seen some families fall apart because they CAN'T laugh at all the "stuff" that happens to them in life! I'm glad you all have great senses of humor....but really, a little less drama would be a GREAT vacation, huh? lol!

Anonymous said...

Not that it is any better if it's a male or female who said this to you, but I'm dying to know which gender this ridiculous ER tech is. I also find it unbelievable that you get asked that question more than once. You must have the great mother look about you that makes people think certainly a mother as good as you is preparing for another!

Anyway, I hope your mom is doing well, and I hope Blaine is hanging in there. Enjoy your upcoming trips.

Rene, Wilmington, NC

Anonymous said...

Dear Kristie,
The ER tech must be rather a thoughtless person. I guess with obesity being so prevalant in the States he/she perhaps says that to everybody to shame/encourage them into losing weight? How awfully rude! In the photo's I've seen of you, you don't look fat!
When I was expecting my twins, the doctor (in a private clinic in Germany) actually complained to me that I was heavier than he, he was a skinny little runt anyway!!! He had professor status but didn't manage to identify that I was expecting twins, even though the nurse next to him when he scanned actually said there is a second head! He said no, that's the child's bottom. As there are a few cases of twins in my family and my husband's, the following week I made myself an appointment at the public hospital and the doc scanned and found twins!!! Needless to say I never went back to the clinic and my children were born 6 weeks later, (4 weeks early). 22 years later, I still never lost all the weight, I have tried! I put on 25 kilos when I was pregnant, just over 50lb I think.
Sorry to hear your mother had kidney stones, it sounds like an awfully painfull thing to have, I hope she is ok now?
Take care,
Love Angela

Liza, Orlando said...

Whatever happened to those shirts that said "Baby" with an arrow pointing to the belly area? Perhaps we can make a mint on shirts that say "belly fat" with a down arrow?

Hope you mom is feeling better soon. Isn't is amazing how these things work out?

Anonymous said...

I feel your mom's pain. I gave birth to two children now 29 and 24 with hard labor and no meds. That was a piece of cake compared to the birth of my kidney stone 27 yrs. ago. It's a pain you never forget.

Julie, Illinois

Anonymous said...

Kristie,

I realize that I do not know you, nor have I ever SEEN you but.....I have seen many pictures of you on this blog and Kendrie's Caringbridge site and you DO NOT LOOK PREGNANT! I cannot understand how you get this question - it's insane! You look GREAT and I'm glad you can laugh about it because it's ridiculous - you don't look pregnant!
Rhonda in Texas

Amy and Jason said...

PLEASE tell me you are sooooooooo making that up!!! And, if you aren't, please tell me you bitch slapped him/her across the room!? For pete's sake, do people not have manners anymore. It's called tact, aka, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Unbelieveble!!!!

BTW, tell your Mom I hope she feels so much better after the surgery to remove "the orange". I hear kidney stones are the worst.

Hugs to the gang -

Amy and her Gang!

Melissa said...

Oh, Kristie! When does it ever stop? Are people complete & total assholes or what? OMG! I kind of had the same problem - only with family! I'll be the first to admit that I have definitely put on some pounds the last several months. Then, my boyfriend's grandmother actually asked me if I was pregnant! I couldn't believe it; I just started laughing! I told her no, but she didn't believe me. She said, "Are you sure? Would you tell me if you were?". Yes, I would tell you if I was pregnant!!! Not like I could hide a pregnant belly anyways - I try hard enough to cover my fat stomach as it is; imagine trying to hide a baby! Some people! Anyways, hope everyone is doing well & hope your mom pulls through alright ~ I've heard those things are hell!

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh - ONLY in the Escoe family! But look at it this way, when you are incredibly wealthy because your hysterical book has sold millions of copies and Oprah has made it her favorite book club selection, you will be thankful for all of these events!
Diane
Cincinnati, OH

Anonymous said...

WTF! The stupidity of some people amazes me. The initial asking is bad but the commenting on your response brings it to a whole other level. Similar thing happened to my DH. Work Christmas party, I had a cold and felt like crap but went anyway, met the new sales rep they had just hired. She was looking through a photo album from about 3 or 4 years before. Out loud she asked DH what happened to him. The usual kids, life, an extra 30 pounds. He blew it off, I glared. THEN she went on, again out loud, we really need to get you on a treadmill or something. He didn't respond. I glared harder. THEN she said to me acroos the room, what do you think about this. I said with a very icy stare and cold voice, "he is an adult who is quite capable of taking care of himself and I happen to love my husband very much no matter what." To this day I hate the woman and I jumped for joy when his company let her go.

Danielle
The Colony, TX

Anonymous said...

1- Hope your mom is feeling better!

2- How rude and unprofessional of that tech! Seriously! And to render you speechless, well we blog readers just won't stand for it!

Trish
Leesburg, VA

Miscellaneous From Missy said...

Hee-hee! I love reading your blog because you are hilarious and real. But I'm getting an even bigger kick out of these comments! :-)

Patti B. said...

Wow - fate is a crazy thing, isn't it? (with Blaine's surgery being postponed and all I mean). I hope your Mom and Blaine are both feeling better.
But um....you've recently posted pictures on here from your weekends with your friends and I think you look great!? You've mentioned that you are not so thrilled with your weight before but to ask if you are PREGNANT?? Not even close!! Sorry that people are idiots :)

Natalie said...

No freaking way did he say that to you. To heck with looks that could kill and chilly looks. I'm going to send you a stun gun to have on hand for such occasions!

Hope your Mom is better soon!

Anonymous said...

Hope that you mom is feeling better. That ER Tech had no right to talk to you like that. I would have given her a what for. Have a good weekend (or at least try to).

Liz from Maryland

Cate said...

Sounds like you should have force fed the Tech your crap sandwich! If ever anyone deserved one!!!!!

Girl, you crack me up. I told the story of Kellen and the basketball game to a group of mom friends the other night and people were crying they were laughing so hard.

I'm just waiting for your book.

Mom2Toribug said...

Gosh Kristie, the drama never ends at your house. I thought one time that I should start a blog to post a few things that happen around my house, but I couldn't hold a candle to you ;) I definitely couldn't express it in words with humor like you can. I am one serious lurker. Hope your mom is back to herself really soon.
Wendy in Winder, GA