I, Kristie Escoe, the girl who has something to say about everything, the girl voted “Most Likely To Talk To A Brick Wall” in high school, the girl who has put her foot in her mouth more times than is possible for mere mortals, was stunned speechless by the following conversation last night:
Emergency Room Tech: “So, when are you due?”
Kristie, who has practiced her answer to this question because she gets asked all the time and has perfected her chilly reply with the perfect amount of condescension in her voice in an attempt to render the questioner both embarrassed and uneasy: “I’m not pregnant. I guess I’m just fat.”
ER Tech: “You’re kidding. Did you just have a baby or something?”
Kristie, adding Death Glare Eyes and Snotty Tone to her reply: “Uh, yeah. A year ago.”
ER Tech, looking her up and down: “Hmmm. You got kind of lazy, didn’t you?”
Oh, wait. Why was I in the ER, you ask? So that my mother, "The Woman You Never Want To Have Visit You On Vacation" (because last time she was here she almost sliced off her thumb with a kitchen knife, for pete’s sake, and the time before that she pulled a muscle in her neck and I spent three damn hours in a Med Stop trying to convince the doctor we weren’t state-hopping drug abusers) picked last night to attempt to pass a kidney stone the size of an orange (her words, not mine.)
Never mind that the woman has never had kidney stones in her life, or that the only two times she’s EVER spent the night in a hospital was when she delivered my sister and me. She picked MY house, and OUR mini-vacation, for this exciting adventure.
Surgery was this morning. Lithotripsy, and more details, to follow.
PS. Thank you God, for letting Blaine get the flu and having his surgery be postponed. Otherwise he and I would have been in Augusta when this happened, and my mother would have had to call 9-1-1 and my children would have been traumatized and most likely taken away by DHS and probably be wards of the state by now, or worse, found a foster home that didn't require them to do all these pesky chores that we do and they'd like it better and want to stay there ..... amen.