Monday, January 01, 2007

No. Seriously. I'm not even kidding.

I went to the local hospital today to visit a friend who had a baby yesterday. She’s a surrogate friend, and it’s kind of a fluke that I happen to be in town during the time of her delivery, so I was excited for the opportunity to go and visit. I stopped at Target first and picked up a small gift for her, and a gift for the baby’s parents.

I don’t know if all hospitals are getting tighter with their security, especially in the wake of the baby-snatching episodes that have happened the past few years, but this one is. I had to pick up the phone in the hallway and request to be buzzed back into the Women’s Center. Here’s how the conversation went (names have been changed to protect the innocent)

Nurse on other end of phone: “Can I help you?”

Me: “I’m here to visit a patient, please.”

Nurse: “Patient’s name?”

Me: “Karen …. Um, Karen.”

Nurse: “Last name please?”

And that’s when I realized that I don’t know this girl’s last name. We’re online friends who have only met in person twice before, and although she and I chat as part of an online group every day, I couldn’t think of her last name to save my life.

Me: “Well, I can’t think of her last name; I’m sorry.”

Nurse: “Well, I’m sorry too, but you can’t come in if you don’t know her last name.”

Me: “Can’t you look up her name? She’s expecting me. I know she’d say it’s ok if I come back. She’s the girl who delivered as a surrogate yesterday. I can’t imagine you have more than one surrogate on this floor” --- and I gave a little nervous laugh, because I just know the nurse was sitting back thinking, “Oh, yeah, some friend you are, you don’t even know her last name, you baby-snatcher you.”

Nurse: “No, I’m sorry. You cannot come in if you can’t give me her name.”

OK, how embarrassing was that???

So I had to call my mom at her house, and have her look up a phone number for me, so I could call a mutual friend to get her last name. Now, I’m all for security and everything, but I felt a little silly and stupid, I must admit.

Once I got her last name, I rang the phone again and requested admission …. This time, since I knew her name, the nurse buzzed me into the center. But once I walked through the doors, I realized I didn’t know her room number, either. I’m apparently a pretty worthless lump of a friend. So I walked to the nurses’ desk and stood in line to find out the room number. Good heavens, this was getting way more complicated than it needed to be. All I wanted to do was drop off a gift and say hello!

Finally the person in front of me finished whatever they were doing, and the nurse, the same nurse I assumed had given me a hard time about gaining access, and then buzzed me in, looked up at me, holding my gift bags, and said, “Hello, do you need to sign in?"

And I thought “Wow, they really are taking security seriously around here.”

So I said yes, and started looking around for a sign in sheet.

She asked my name, and then typed it into the computer.

Not only security, but high-tech security!

Then she said, “I’m sorry, I’m not finding you in the computer. Have you been here before?”

And I sort of paused, and said, “Nooooooooooo, I mean, I’m not really sure. It’s probably been a long time, if I’m in there at all.”

To which she responded, “But have you ever delivered a baby here before?”

And I paused again, thinking what on earth does that have to do with anything, and it’s a little Big Brother-ish, and said, “No, I’m just here to visit a friend, is that really relevant?”

And she replied, just as matter-of-fact as is humanly possible, “Oh. You’re not having a baby here today?”

Are you KIDDING ME??????

Um, yeah! I’m standing here by myself, with no friends or family, holding all my clothing and toiletries and supplies for my soon-to-be-born baby in these two small GIFT BAGS! And she thought I was in labor!

You know, I get asked all the time if I’m pregnant, which I can sort of understand, even though it’s rough on the ego. I’m a little chubby, the majority of my extra weight is in my saggy, stretched-out tummy, and I prefer baggy clothes. So while I despise it, I do at least “get it” when people ask if I’m having a baby.

But to imply that I’m so fat I look nine months along???!!

It’s not like I was panting, or bent over in a contraction, or moaning in pain, or there was a baby’s HEAD coming out from between my legs or anything!

But there you have it. I am obviously so ginormous that a labor and delivery nurse thought I was nine months pregnant and about to deliver a baby. I totally should have dropped my drink on the floor and pretended like my water had just broken.

I was so stinkin’ depressed that I went to my sister’s New Years Party tonight and ate an entire shrimp ring by myself, then followed it with half a platter of fudge. Of course, those calories were directly off-set by the four diet Dr. Peppers I drank, so everyone knows they don’t count. Right?

So. Does anyone have any suggestions for the New Year for me? Gastric bypass? Having my jaw wired shut? A six-month fast at an ashram in Oregon???? BULEMIA?!?!?!?!

Good heavens. I don’t even know what to think. Besides the fact I’m apparently about to have a baby, and nobody bothered to tell ME!

Happy stinkin' New Year.


harrypottersbiggestfan said...

Oh Kristie - have a hug...and another one...if you have a little extra girth around the midrif its only because as well as raising your own beautiful family you've given other families the chance to experience their own happiness too -you can't do that and stay a size 6!!! On a practical note I shifted 3 stones - 42lbs on the weight watchers plan but since Ronnie died I know I've put nearly half of that back so I too am looking for the miracle weight loss regime...but WW did work - have you tried counting points? Happy New Year to you all - how's Blaine doing? Love Lisa

Ellen Harpin said...

Well, Kristie, did you at least get to see your friend???

Amy Finkler said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who forgets last names! I hope you guys have a safe trip back. With all the rain we have had here, we returned from our Chrstmas in NC to a soupy yard and backed up septic tank. Today our garage door broke and the roof started leaking. I hope you guys have a better coming home experience than we did!

Amy from St.Pete said...

It's nice to know I'm not the only one that always looks like I'm with child. I do think I have you beat though!! I look like I'm about ready to have a half dozen.
I'm starting a new weight management plan today. I'm reading the book, You On A Diet by Dr. Roizen & Dr. OZ. It teaches you what kind of foods to eat to have you body working right. You can even have 1-2 diet soda a day!! Did you hear that, DDP everyday!!!
I hope and pray that 2007 is an awesome year for your family. You have been such a blessing to me. I love reading about your daily life, it makes mine a little better!!
Love, Amy

Renee said...

HAPPY 2007! Screw that nurse. She's blind. Come home soon.

Anonymous said...

Kristie, once again your sense of humor has made me laugh out loud! I hope you guys have a safe trip back and a wonderful 2007!

Warner Robins, GA

Anonymous said...

oh lord kristie.. how rude of that nurse! I hope you finally got to see your friend! Now I'm off to go stuff my face haha!

Love Erin in Long Island

Amanda J (Glendale, Ariz) said...

I'm 27 years old and I kid you not, someone once asked my husband if I was his daughter. And my husband is only 3 years older than me.

We went to Atlanta Bread Company to get cookies and then the next day, my husband went back by himself to get lunch. Same guy was behind the counter, they got to talking and the guy said, "So who was that with you yesterday? Your daughter?" After being told it was actually his wife, the guy said, "Oh, yeah, she looks REALLY young."

Thankfully my husband told the guy my age so he wouldn't think I was some child bride. Geez....

Now, people delight in telling me I look young - 16, 14, 12 (rolls eyes). And, I DO look young. But daughter to my husband? So humiliating.

So instead of believing that I ACTUALLY look that young, I'm just going to go with the fact that the world is filled with idiots. Idiots who think I'm my husband's daughter and idiots who think you're about to deliver a child.

jadine said...

I'm with Renee.

First, that check-in nurse's particular job was to admit people, so that's where her brain was.

Second, you were focused on the squat-and-cough security they had there, and assumed you had to 'sign-in'.

Third, you were standing at a counter that obstructed the nurse's view of both your non-pregnant tummy AND the gift-bags.

"Comedy" of errors, and you do NOT look pregnant. I'm a true friend; I'd tell ya if you did :)

Now, to share a story on the same topic...I was very recently at a get-together. I wore jeans and a turtleneck (an oversized turtleneck so as to camoflage my rolls). As I was leaving the house, my 6 year old son looked at me and said, "Mom, I've never seen you in jeans! Your butt looks bigger! (now in sing-song voice) Mom's got a big butt! Mom's got a big butt!"

I bet my son wishes he had been behind a counter like your nurse was.

Now, I'm off to bake this now-7 year-old child's kitty-litter-and-dryer-lint birthday cake.



Kathy (in Alaska) said...

Hi Kristie,

Yea...screw that nurse !

Around here we call any extra poundage "Happy Fat" ... that being said, I must be so freakin happy that I am extatic!

Somebody broke into the house last week and replaced my bathroom mirrors with the ones from the fun house at the carnival. They also screwed with the scale I see.
I was so bummed out... how dare they !!! Then as if things couldn't get worse, my husband decided to help me by doing laundry and evidently washed all my clothes in hot water and then tossed into the dryer. He shrunk everything at least a size smaller than what fit me just a month ago!

And WTF's up with this back fat? When did that crop up ?

Today, I am making that big pot of cabbage soup. Organic of course !

Kathy (in Alaska)

Cathy Morrisey said...

Oh Kristie....what do ya say to that but "time to eat a box of candy"...remember, chocolate makes everyone feel better! Now, on to my story....
The week before Christmas I was shopping at Kohl's (wed pm) and after standing in line for 15 minutes while the slowest cashier on the planet rang up the lady in front of me. I was feeling pretty good about what I had just accomplished that day! After seeing 92 kids in the clinic at school, here I was out shopping for last minute gifts (when clearly I should have been home with a bottle of wine!!) anyway....I am rambling....the cashier looks at me and then sheepishly asks me if know....well, it IS wed...and well you know what that means....Oh my GOD she is getting ready to ask me if I need the senior discount??!!! which she does....because "if she doesn't and I am than she doesn't want to void the whole sale" Let me tell you, I made my eyes as snake like as possible and hissed I am 42 years old, and yes I do have a frumpy old lady christmas sweatshirt on and no visable sign of makeup.....but does that mean I LOOK OVER 55?? When I got home Kent laughed, slapped me on my apparantly frumpy butt and said "jeeze babe, you should of taken the discount!
So I am right there with ya on how "not so nice, warm and fuzzy", that kind of situation can make you feel. I hope you all had a wonderful New Year and that Blaine is feeling better! How is Kendrie and the rest of the gang?
Here's to safe travel. Let's really try and work out something soon! I will even take a day off work to drive down to meet you!
Take care, and Happy New Year from your Not a Psycho/stalker Suwanee friend

Anonymous said...

Poof... that nurse was either a) blind, b) drunk, or c) overworked and with an obtructed view, like Jadine said. I'll go with b).. shoot, can you even imagine having that job? I think I'd have to bring a thermos of SOMETHING with me in order to make it through the shift! You look mahvelous in all your pics, Kristie... it's hard to believe that you're past your 20's! Wish I had your smile, your hair, your sense of humor... you're gorgeous!

Jeri from Hawaii said...

Poor Kristie, how awful was that experience! I'm with the rest of the gang and think that there was something seriously wrong with that nurse. Maybe she was just evil and nasty because she was working during the holiday season and wanted to be somewhere - anywhere - else...or she was blind, drunk, overworked or just plain STUPID! Take your pick. You can always decide to lose weight if you want, but she will be stupid forever!

Like some of your other friends that have shared stories I too have been asked if I was pregnant (I wasn't) and if I had grandchildren (I didn't and I was only in my early 30's at the time). Just no accounting for some folks - guess they just weren't raised right!!!

You, my friend, are beautiful just as you are. As my wonderful husband said "nobody likes a bag of bones except a dog and even he wishes there was some meat on them!" True, maybe he just said that because my bones are well padded, but what the heck, I know the truth when I hear it.


Anonymous said...

Big hugs to ya sister. I'm with Jadine on this one.

Let me tell you my story. Picture it, I am 5ft 3 and was VERY pregant with twins when we bought our ultra cool mini van. Before pregnancy I was a whopping 120 pounds, but gained oh about 75 (I had pre eclampsia at the end) when I was pregnant. Imagine the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka (the original) Yep, all I needed was a couple of Oompa Loompas to wheel my ass around. I needed a big heave ho from my husband as he "shot put" me just to get into our truck. Oh Lord, I hope you have the visual I WAS HUGE! Anyway, about a week and a half after delivery, I was looking trim. Feeling pretty darn good about myself as I had Already lost 60 pounds...Gosh those were big babies...Anyway, I left the girls home with my dear husband while I ran some errands including going by the dealership we bought the van from...the stupid sales man told me I looked like I was going to "Pop anyday" I did this Rosemary's baby head roll, and informed him in a not so polite way that I had already delivered and he was smokin' crack because damn it I LOOKED GOOD. "That is how I remember it happening, anyway."
Hope it makes you feel better. Some people are just idiots.

Marci Connell said...

Kristie, I am about to order TURBO JAM...check out the website I think this will be loeads of fun!!! Love, Marci

Anonymous said...

so after my first comment I suddenly thought of how wonderful this hospital 's security really was (despite that wacko nurse's comment). My sister (Aml survivor) just had a daughter at 27 weeks and she is in the nicu and the hospital staff brought my sister an african american child to her bed at 3am to BREASTFEED none the less- meanwhile we are as white as can be- this happened just because they had the same last name...its almost as crazy as your story,

much long island love to all,

Anonymous said...

An ashram in Oregon? Oh honey, being a true Oregonian, if it were only that easy!

After all, we just got our first Sonic and Popeyes Chicken and besides DDP there ain't nothin' skinny at either place girl!

Happy New Year!

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately, living in Oregon won't guarantee weight loss...though being away from Fil-A-o' Chick and Sonic does seem to be having some small effect.

Bend, OR