Going Blind

Blaine bought me a new computer monitor for Christmas. Not just any monitor, but a 19 inch, flat-panel monitor. 19 inches. That’s bigger than our first TV.

I’m not really sure why he bought it. I didn’t ask for it, and there was nothing wrong with our old monitor. We’re certainly not “techie” people --- we don’t buy products every time a newer version comes out. We don’t own a laptop, or a PDA, our cell phones don’t take pictures, and I happen to be perfectly happy with my 1983 dual-deck Sony boom-box that weighs approximately 52 pounds and could double as a paper weight.

For the Library of Congress.

ALL of the Library of Congress.

But regardless of our lack of appreciation for modern technological marvels, Blaine knows I spend a few quick moments each day online (ahem) and thought I would enjoy a crisper, clearer, sharper, immensely BIGGER, flatter screen. So it was a thoughtful gift, and I appreciate it.

Of course, he also bought me a new bathrobe and slippers, so what does that say about the spark of romance in our marriage? Whatever.

But I think I must be going blind.

My mom got cataract surgery last week while I was in OKC, and afterwards she kept commenting on how she didn’t realize how much she *couldn’t* see, until suddenly she *could*. For days afterwards, she was frenetically cleaning her kitchen, mumbling about how she never realized how dirty it was and how mortified she was to be living in such filth. I’m not sure what that says about Blaine and me, because we thought her kitchen was perfectly clean. But nonetheless, she suddenly could see, and she was horrified. I wonder if that’s what’s happening to me now.

This screen, my God, it’s like sitting in an Imax theater. I’m squinting, and then opening my eyes really wide, and then squinting some more because the images and letters on the screen are HUGE and seem a little 3-d-ish. Like they’re all about to jump right off the screen into my face. I’ve already gone in and reduced the font settings, and lowered both the contrast and the brightness, and changed the display colors to a soothing olive green color because looking at the default blue of Microsoft was like looking into the deep end of a very psychedelic ocean.

Is it the flat panel? Is it the 19 inches? Like my mom’s kitchen, was my old screen dirty and I just didn’t realize it? Does anyone know? (Although seriously, her kitchen was fine. I don’t even know what’s she babbling about.)

I really don’t think it’s my eyes because I had lasik four years ago and damnit, I see perfectly. I can see street signs, I can see menus, I can see the blackboard in class without any problem. Most importantly, I can see the words on a karaoke screen at ten alcohol-hazed feet, which is crucial for my plans this upcoming weekend. I can see well enough to shoot the spots off the fleas off a dog’s back at a hundred yards. Well, if I owned a gun. Or my stinky dog had fleas. Which he doesn’t.

But I really think my eyes are fine.

Why the heck is this screen so hard for me to see? It’s not crisper, or clearer, or sharper. Yes, it’s bigger, but I’m not so sure this isn’t the one time that’s not a good thing.

The good news is the flat panel screen means I now have more space on my computer desk.

The bad news is that means more of the desk is now exposed and I can see the years-old piles of dust in the corners that were hidden before.

The good news is it probably doesn’t matter about the dust, since I’m going blind anyway.

The even more good news is if the dust *does* start to bother me, Blaine also bought me a can of compressed air for Christmas.

Hmmmm. Let's review.

Computer monitor.
Bathrobe.
Slippers.
Compressed air.

The bad news is my husband obviously thinks I am 70 years old. So, when he buys me reading glasses next, things will actually, probably, be better.