Wednesday, May 06, 2009

You're on notice, Facebook

Because I've been blogging since November of 2003 (I know! You'd think I'd be all talked out by now but nope, I just keep babbling on and on and on and never shut up ...) and already spewing forth my opinions and feelings all over the internet, ready or not, here I come, I never felt the need to jump on the Myspace bandwagon. I technically *have* a Myspace page, but I never visit it or update it or do anything with it. In fact, it might even be deleted now, for all I know. And to be honest, whenever I would visit anyone else's Myspace page, it often looked like a graphics program had thrown up on my computer screen .... so yeah, I pretty much avoided Myspace all together.

I wasn't too enthusiastic about Facebook initially, either, because I assumed it was another version of Myspace. In fact, I can't even remember the impetus that made me sign up for Facebook, but at some point I caved because everyone else I knew was doing it, and so I did it .... and what do you know? I really liked it. I enjoyed connecting with old friends, and having old friends connect with me. Most of all, I appreciated the quick, convenient method of staying connected via status updates.

Unfortunately, just like shoulder pads, the Dorothy Hamill haircut, and the premature cancellation of "Freaks and Geeks", all good things must come to an end. And the Facebook status update page, which I LOVED for staying connected, was ... well... updated.

And it sucks.

First, I lost the page that had the quick, one-line updates for my "friends". It took me an hour to figure out that I had to open my own page, then hit the "home" tab to find the status updates. And it took another hour of me googling all over the internet to figure out that I could set up some kind of core group, and see only their status updates now. So I did that. And it works .... meh.

Because I don't just see their status updates, I also see every comment that every one of *their* friends (most of whom are people I do not know) makes on those updates. And if one of those people updates two or three times in one day, I see ALL of those. And I seriously wonder, who the hell has time to sit around and continually update their Facebook status all day? Then I learned that basically, that's the same thing as Twittering, and so apparently TONS of people have time because isn't Twitter the newest, hottest, most-happening rage of this century? And I put my foot down there and refuse to Twitter because for pete's sake, I can barely keep up with my laundry as it is and do I really need another thing to do on the computer??? Yet everyone else was basically Twittering on Facebook.

But you know what? It was ok.

Then I quickly discovered that not only do I get every status update that every person cares to send, but I also get a notification of every web link or you tube link or personal video or photo or sets of photos that a person puts on their page.

And you know what? It was still ok.

Because these people are my FRIENDS. And shouldn't I be remotely interested in seeing pictures of their families? And their friends? And their pets? Or any other thing they care to share via Facebook? Of course I should. They are my FRIENDS, and I CARE.

But do you want to know what I do NOT care about? What I, in fact, couldn't care LESS about???

Every single stupid fucking quiz and application, and the results of those stupid fucking quizzes and applications, that every single person on the planet has time to take. And then their friends comments about those stupid fucking quizzes and applications.

Saturday, I started keeping track. It's been four days, and I've had to "hide" the following quizzes so they quit showing up:

1. So-and-so sent someone a drink!
2. So-and-so sent someone flowers!
3. So-and-so sent someone a muppet gift! (wtf?)
4. What was so-and-so's profession in a past life? (here's a hint: I don't care)
5. Which Little House character is so-and-so? (still not caring)
6. So-and-so got their fortune told! (are you sensing the not-really-caring pattern here?)
7. Which Hollywood actress is so-and-so?
8. So-and-so took the Sunday School song trivia quiz!
9. So-and-so took the 80's movie quiz!
10. Which kind of mom is so-and-so?
11. What Bible verse fits you best?
12. Are you a true Cincinnatian?
13. So-and-so took the Prayer-in-School poll!
14. What classic photographic emulsion are you?
15. Where in the US should you live?
16. What fruit of the spirit are you?
17. So-and-so took a personality test!
18. How many kids will you have?!
19. What is your old lady name?

and best of all ....

20. So-and-so sent someone Snoopy's Friendly Flowers!!!!!

Are you kidding me?!?!?!?

I DO NOT CARE, AND IT IS NOT OK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's the thing --- taking those tests and quizzes can be fun. I've taken a few, and every now and then, a few minutes of mindless entertainment ... sure, knock yourself out. (Although the "friends" I have who are taking them all day long confuse me, because honestly, you would think people would have something better to do with their time than sit around taking Facebook quizzes all day I don't know maybe work in a soup kitchen or read to the blind or walk dogs at the local animal shelter or ANYTHING for God's sake that is more productive than these stupid fucking tests ......)

But I digress.

My point, Facebook, is that I have no problems with your tests, and other people's choice to take them. I *DO* have a problem with the fact I have to "hide" every single test to keep it from showing up on my status update page again. And that for every test I "hide", five different tests show up.

So to the dear people in charge at Facebook --- If people want to time-suck their life away finding out what their porn star name is, or which My Little Pony gift would make them the happiest, or which Facts of Life character they are, or which fucking SMURF they most resemble ........ fine. More power to them. But for the love of all that is holy, bring back the old status update page so I don't have to look at it, ok?

Until then, Facebook, you're on notice.


Ann said...

Kristie - you are so freaking funny and I couldn't agree with you more. I've been sucked into FB too, but it has gotten completely out of control.

Thanks for the laugh.


Katie said...

I'm so with you... except that I don't even know what that other summary page you found was? I jumped into this Facebook thing in between makeovers and don't even know what to think.

I will admit to filling out I think 3 of my Top Five things. But I feel like that's sharing information about ME to my friends. Which is what Facebook is all about, right? Shameless self-promotion?

I have a serious hair up my ass with all the freaking quizzes though. I swear if I see one more friend take some jackass quiz and then post "this is so not true!" I will eat my laptop. Or some more pasta salad. But you get my frustration.

Natalie said...

There's a test about which Little House character you are???? I'm totally doing it.

And yep, people need to click the settings so not everyone is notified of every blessed thing they do on FB. I hope I blocked mine. I tried. Or were you notified that I am a Ground Sloth when I took the What Kind of Sloth are You test? I'm extinct, by the way.

Mandy McMahan said...

AMEN, sister! I really think that once I started "hiding" those applications/tests/whatevers, it DOUBLED the amount that showed up on my status updates page. Really. How can that be? I don't think my friends just all of a sudden started taking more tests. I can't stand those things and have actually toyed with the idea of updating my status to say something along the lines of, "PLEASE STOP TAKING TESTS/QUIZZES because I'm so sick of seeing your results!" but I can't find a polite way to do that. Or maybe I'm totally backwards and I also have problems considering my first idea in trying to solve the problem was to create a status update about it. The only one thing that's interesting about these tests is when I see results for someone whom I'd NEVER think would take one (like an old college professor). Facebook is way too strong of a power in some lives.

Thanks for making me laugh, though. I like that you kept that running tally. :)

Musings from Me said...

Don't feel bad -- I have close to 200 flowers, quizzes, flair, and assorted junk in my inbox ready for my perusal. Not.

The only two things I consistently use Facebook for:

- updating my status because I think I'm funny -- it remains to be seen if I am funny or not!

- friending people from the past or present

Like you I can't keep up with all the quizzes. I wonder how many people are doing this stuff at work.

Now twitter you need to try. I twitter as @musingsfromme Also, Ree's twitter is @pioneerwoman

Anonymous said...

I see I'm not the only one who hates those damn quizzes showing up. At least you found a way to get the status to show up, I'm not even there yet!
Joann in AL

Melissa said...

I SO agree! I hate not seeing the one line friend status updates any more, and those stupid quizzes and shit knock all the updates off the home page. I almost went crazy at Easter with all those damn egg hunts. I have a feeling that Christmas is going to be hell.

Pam D said...

Yep. I visit Facebook about once a week now, to take out the "trash". And that's about it. Why did they have to mess with perfection?

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

I COULDN't agree with you MORE!
My friends keep asking me why I am not "facebooking" more...quite honestly, it is TOO time consuming! My family frowns when they don't have a clean baseball uniform and dinner!
I often wonder why everyone else seems to have more time than me...where can I sign up for extra hours..Lord knows I can use them...and not for just facebook time!
Milford, Ct

Trish in Leesburg, VA said...

I hate the new "home" page! You are right about there being so much junk. I also delete tons of flowers, drinks, smiley faces, hugs, you-fill-in-the-annoying-app...
I will admit I have filled out a bunch of the top 5 and I used to do many more quizzes. When I had access at work I would pass time with the quizzes. I was actually working while doing the quizzes, though. In my job I sometimes have a patient on my camera for 2 hours and while they are on there I need to sit here in the room, so the quizzes made the time pass a little more quickly. :)

Anonymous said...

Hi, I too got confused that I could not longer see the one line updates of my friends. I did make a friends list, but it doesn't show any updates. I liked it better before.


ReRe said...

if one more person sends me a "which sex and the city girl are you?" or "which twilight character are you?" quiz i'm going to go homicidal

Anonymous said...

When I first signed up for facebook, I got several friends requests from people I didn't know, but were on another friend's list. (It turned out they thought I was someone else with the same name.) Anyway, these people change their status to let me know what they are doing 10 times a day.

One has an 18-month-old and everytime they go to tumbling, take a walk, have a bath, eat peas, take a dump, etc., etc., etc., I was getting a notice about it.

With the new changes, if you hit the little hidden "X" at the top right of their comment, it hides their status updates unless you "un-hide" them. No chance of that!

Deb in Largo

Renee said...

Amen, sister!

The Running Girl said...

I like the old status update page as well. The new one just doesn't do it for me. I have taken a couple of quizzes, but for the most part I just delete those requests.

Mamasita said...

I was just complaining about not having the ability to see the status page to my teenager. I thought I had done something wrong since the majority of the time I only get a chance to glance at my FB on my itouch.

You can hide the quizzes???? I am SO going to have to do that!

I especially love the notifications that are just like a smiley face or "New Version." Those are so exciting. NOT.

JoAnn said...

I have not bitten the Facebook bullet and do not plan to. I have enough with keeping up with my blog. Any more computer "suck time" and I won't have time to knit - which is my most favorite hobby and why I started my blog in the first place. I don't need more info out in "cyber space" than is necessary.

I joined Plurk (like Twitter) last summer, and even the fun of that has dwindled considerably as it does take a lot of time, and after awhile, does seem meaningless. Does someone else REALLY want to know what I'm having for supper, because I don't care if they're going out the door for a walk...

So, yes, you do speak for a lot of us and you laid it right on the line - good for you!

Ann from St. Peter MN said...

Thank you - you've pretty much summed it all up!

Lori said...

And while we are ranting... . I don't get the birthday or relative thing. Facebook already shows you birthday - why bother with that separate app that constantly asks me whether I will allow so-and-so to add me to their birthday calender.

I have clicked on the relative thing. But.... it doesn't seem I can just say "yes she is my sister". The app wants me to nominate other relatives and birthdays.

I don't see any way to just confirm and move on. If you aren't careful you are off in some pinball like screen asking you to send flowers to your neighbor. So I cancel and they send me the request AGAIN.

One day I logged in and the ENTIRE screen was taken up with ONE friends quiz answers.

Rachael said...

You summed up my feelings about facebook perfectly. I could not have said it better.

Anonymous said...

You are dead on with this. I agree completely with every word. You must me my long lost sister :)

vgsmom said...

Come to twitter--It's only status updates. Com'on, we will love you and keep you close. Com'on, you know you want to... com'on....

Anonymous said...

Can I hear an "AMEN"?!!!!! I absolutely can't stand all of those dumb quiz results! Like you said, who has the time and/or interest to take all of them?

By the way, I tried to "hide" them, like you had suggested a few posts back, but when I hover the mouse over the name of the quiz, only the quiz-taker's name pops up to hide. Am I doing something wrong? Because I really don't want to block the quiz-taker, I really want to block the quiz results from anyone taking that quiz, right?? Clear as mud??! Help!

Julie H.
Bucks County, PA

Lane said...

Although I am your FB friend and I don't 'technically' know you, although in my mind, I think I me, you're what Pioneer Woman is to you... so you understand that it makes us BFF's right? Riiiiggghhht? ... But I am one of those people you probably see posting ridiculous comments on my status and the other day I did upload three albums of pictures, (for the first time in a year or so I'm guessing) ... However, I too hate the quizzes and applications and drinks!

But, you're in luck. Yesterday I found a new trick. If you hover over the quiz, app, etc. - in the top right corner of it, you will see a 'Hide' drop down menu. You can choose to hide every update from that user, or hide that particular So if you hide the What Muppet Am I? quiz, you will never see it from any of your friends again. EVER!!!!

Cathy said...

I agree 100% with you.

The other thing is all of those quizzes and games (mafia wars, warloards, celebrity kidnapping?) are applications that are outside of facebook. When you go to those apps you are opening yourself up to potential viruses. I have so many friends who have had many viruses and blame it on facebook, but I truly think they are being infected from the apps.

I enjoy the status updates and notes and pictures that my friends post but all that other crap needs to be hidden.

Kelly said...

Thank you for posting this. I love facebook but I too am SOOO sick and tired of the mindless "stuff" that is posted on there. SO annoying! I didn't know I could hide it...I'm going to look into that!

karen said...

I liked FB before the "new" update and now hate it....i do take some of the tests but dont send them on....

Cate said...

Left side of the page. Click status updates. Problem solved.

Drives me crazy and I'm so tired of hiding stuff. I use it for my radio show so I update my status more than most.

lizinsumner said...

{{{chuckle}}} yet another reason (or rather BUNCH of reasons) for me to NOT join sounds like grey hair - you know, pluck one and 15 more magically appear......

Random said...

Kristie, please send this to the Facebook administration as an e-mail! I'd love to see them get their butts going on something that would allow us "normal" people to use Facebook for the status and photographs of distant friends... not for the type of ringed lemur they would be if the world were run by goldfish.

Dave R (from facebook... you know... shannon's friend) said...

You are my leader.

Anonymous said...

I'm taking my cue from you. I am currently Facebook free and think I'll stay that way!

Anne in GA

Anonymous said...

I've been with Facebook since practically the beginning (2004), and I think my group has just given up trying to protest new changes (most of which are asinine). Did you know that there never used to be a home page with updates, etc.? There used to be groups saying "I hate the new Facebook", and now we just seem to accept it because those Facebook goonies are going to do whatever. There is a way to change your email settings so you don't get email reminders about every single thing, though. I, too, hate all the quizzes because I have better things to do than tell people which Disney character I'm most like.

Rob said...

(*Standing ovation*)

If you ever start a Facebook group about this idiotic test crap, count me in... ;^)

Great rant....had me LOLing in my office!

Lori said...

I hear ya on the quizzes (yes, I have taken a few myself) but how about that Farmtown game. I have been sucked into that like a Rainbow vacumn cleaner. I come home from work, do a "few" things and onto Farmtown I go. I am addicted to a god damn game. I can not beleive it myself. Well, I am off to harvest.

Anonymous said...

i agree!

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with you on the Myspace thing. I can't handle it. and I am trying to get used to FB now. Love seeing old/new friends but some of those quizzes are annoying!

Claire in TX

Alisa said...

I am laughing! (after reading your comment to me about getting through my post without swearing)-
You really should just email this off to the powers that be of Face Book and see what happens. Something about the squeaky wheel ...

Laura in Michigan said...

Holy Cow, do I totally agree with you. What a waste!

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with you. I love connecting with old friends and keeping track of what everyone is up to, but I hate the quizzes. And what is the deal with sending someone a beer? If someone is going to send me a drink, I want to be able to drink it!! What is the point of looking at a picture of a beer?!?!


Elaine at Lipstickdaily said...

I'm pretty sure there's a fb test for what kind of blogger are you . . .

But now that you mention it, I drifted away from FB for the last week or so and it's kinda nice!

Jenny Braden said...

I'm relatively new to fb, so have never had it any way but the "new" way. I have to agree that the quizzes do get a little old. But, you can go to the tool bar on the left hand side of your home page and click on "status updates" and it will take it off the "newsfeed" and will only give you updates, no quizzes, or any of the other stuff. You do have to do it every time you go to your home page, because it reverts to the "newsfeed" each time you go there.

Krisha said...


Anonymous said...

I wholeheartedly agree with you. Those stupid quizzes are written by childrern who cannot spell and never passed a grammar test, let alone the fact that the questions to get to the answer make not a bit of sense.

I miss my friends status updates and I despise the current FB format. However, I still spend way too much time there.


Saint Lover said...

AMEN sister! It drives me almost off a cliff myself! I just want to scream.. stop taking quizzes you freaking morons!

Sharon H., Orlando FL said...

Kristie: Before you leave FB, here are a few links that show you how to slow down all the apps and stuff:

I have MySpace too and I have to warn you ahead of time - they've definitely taken on more of a "music" flavor, as well as have started copying a lot of what FB already has. So you may not be as happy with that as you may hope.

So if I find you on FB and ask you to friend me, can we be FB BFF to, like you and Pioneer Woman? (who I also heart and read daily)

The other me said...

One of my 'friends' took 24 quizzes in one afternoon and every single one of them showed up on my home page! TWENTY FOUR?!
I am still mad that they changed that 'friends' link, it was so easy to click and see all my friends updates without all that other crap.
I am hopelessly sucked in though ( I wish I hadn't been so free with the accepting friends thing, I see some names and have no clue who these people are!)

Jacqueline said...

Wow Kristie...this facebook rant really gave the comments section a work out, didn't it? I'm not reading the comments first, so please excuse me if I say something that has already been said.

Like you, I loved the old style of facebook and wish they would bring it back. I've adjusted somewhat well to the new style, but it still just gives me a bad feeling. Weird, right? Anyway, I don't mind so much the quiz results being displayed as much as I mind the people that send me the quizzes...umm...I feel like no one notices that on the page where it says to pick 4 friends (or 6 or 8 or however many) that in very small letters at the top it says skip to results or something like that. I mean, I take my fair share of the quizzes, but I skip the whole sending a request to anyone because I know how annoying it is to have those dumb little icons in the corner that say 5 quiz requests just keep bugging you until you do something about it. Also, am I the only one that feels guilty if I am sent a request or application and ignore it? It's almost like I am insulting the person that sent it, but you know what? I have enough beers and cosmos and white russians, and I can't even really drink them. I used to accept everything out of fear that if I didn't, facebook would send a notice to my "friends" saying "your friend has IGNORED you" and then they would secretly hate me for ignoring an app on facebook...LOL...I think I need professional help. But yeah, I totally get where you're coming from.

Anonymous said...

For those not wanting to join facebook:

Granted, some of the people get annoying and the quizzes can be a pain in the butt, but there is good to be found in facebook.

I grew up in a neighborhood full of children. The year my sister was born, there were 8 girls born on our block alone. By the time she was in middle school, they had all moved to other parts of the state.

With facebook, I've connected with kids I haven't talked to in 30 years. It's been great seeing them and their families. Their children and parents and siblings.

Through facebook, I'm in touch with 6 of the 8 girls, plus their brothers and sisters. For me, that trumps the hassle of the quizzes.

One more thing: I have a son in college and facebook lets me get a glimpse into what he's up to and what kind of friends he's making. That's priceless!

Deb in Largo

Melissa in CA & Proud! said...

AMEN! TOTALLY agree!!! I am guilty though...I gave in...according to Facebook, I "should" live in New England. LOL...yeah, sorry...I'm a California girl for life.

Kelly from MN said...

and you captured it once again!! thank you! i cant stand it. i live out of state from my family so that was the point of joining FB to see their pictures and have quick 1 liner conversations... but now their friends are my friends and they all take the quizes and enough is enough! i dont care. i've gone back to emails and phone calls...too annoying for me to just see updates from the people i want to.
thanks for the great laugh and constant head nodding!! you're the best.

kmcfarland said...

I am one of your facebook friends, but you will never see a quiz from me! You know what...people can take a couple of seconds and choose to hide their resuts,but they don't! Selfish!!! Don't waste my time...I don't care where you should live, what your name should have been, or where you have been! Don't send me anything I can't touch, don't ask me to hunt eggs...the only eggs I hunt are the ones with $$ in them at my grandmothers house, and don't ask me to join your group that likes peanut butter and fish sandwiches! And one more thing...if I wanted to be in a mafia, I would pack my stuff and take my gangsta ass to NY!

Robin said...

Definitely agree with this post!

Sandie said...

First of all, thanks for telling me how to see status' on Facebook. I never did figure that out. To be honest, I switched to TweetDeck, which, yes, is Twitter.. but, it also shows me only the updates of my friends on Facebook as well as the twitter updates. There is no extra shit thrown in. Love it!

The downside (or upside!) of it is that you cannot make a comment on the Facebook status or see what others have written. That's alright by me. So, anyway, you may want to look into it-- come to the other side.

Also, I HATE HATE HATE those damn top fives. It was fun at first, now I have realized I don't freakin CARE what cars my facebook friends had in college. Really.

EBeth said...

I was just informed (as in this morning) that there is a "Status Update" option in the left gutter where news feed and your friends groups are located. I think it a new option and i totally attribute it to your rant. Thanks.