Tuesday, May 05, 2009

SPT Challenge May 5



According to Lelly, May is the month of weddings. I always thought *June* was the month of weddings, but our anniversary is in May, so clearly Lelly is right, and May is the month of weddings. Or, in the case of Blaine and me, May is the month of "Oh my Holy Hell, you're actually graduating from college this year and will be moving away soon with the Air Force and quite frankly, I'm way too lazy to put the effort into maintaining a long distance relationship but I like you too much to break up so what do you say we just get married? Ok? Yeah, me too."

Ahhhhh, young love.

So, in keeping with the theme, the Self-Portrait Challenges from Lelly for the month of May are:

May 5: Something old

May 12: Something new

May 19: Something borrowed

May 26: Something blue

I had what I thought was a great post idea for "something old" and was all set to take a photo today .... when my inherently spazoid nature took over and a brand new sort of "old" became apparent.

I went to the mall today in a desperate, pathetic attempt to buy a new outfit for a fundraiser banquet Blaine and I are attending Thursday night. The desperation and pathetic-ness came from my panic at discovering .... um .... I'm fat. I'm 40 pounds heavier than when I graduated high school, my high school reunion is this summer, but even more pressing than that is the banquet tomorrow night that I am attending with friends from high school, and OMFG what sort of diuretic can I take that will make me lose 40 pounds in the next 24 hours????

Although I don't feel the need to throw numbers or weight or sizes out here, because seriously, it will serve no purpose but to make me feel even SHITTIER about myself, I *can* tell you that I am at that awkward cusp .... almost too big to shop in "regular" stores, but not always big enough to shop in "plus size" stores. I'll find a cute outfit at Ann Taylor or Chico's, and think, "Oh, if only they had it one size larger ...." Then I find a cute outfit at Lane Bryant and think, "Oh, if only they had it one size smaller ..."

But this isn't a post about my weight because I already called my sister this week, ready to slit my freaking wrists in the dressing room of Kohls, and really, do we need to keep re-hashing the thing?

This challenge is supposed to be about something OLD, not something neurotic and annoying, like my obsession with my weight.

I officially proclaimed today "Official Find my Fat Ass an Outfit Day" and arrived at the mall, ready to try on every single outfit in every single store until I found something that made me look NOT like Bea Arthur, thank you very much, God rest her soul.

I walked, and walked, and walked. Although our local mall isn't huge, it is big enough that by the end of the day, I was tired, and ready to go. Bag in hand, I was feeling triumphant. (Score! Pirate-y sort of fluffy blouse camoflauges muffin top! And bought my first pair of Spanx!) I headed to my car, which was of course parked at the other end of the mall.

When I extended my hand to open the door to step into the parking lot, I reached to the top of my head to pull my sunglasses down. The thing you've got to understand is that I wear sunglasses pretty much every day. Every single day. Rain, shine, snow, it doesn't matter. I have light-colored eyes and simply cannot take the glare --- can't even sit facing a window in a restaurant. So I ALWAYS have my sunglasses either on my face, or on top of my head, and I've been that way since high school.

It was at that moment I felt my bare head, and I realized I must have left them in the dressing room.

AAAAGGGGHHHHHH!

I am ROUGH on sunglasses, (on, off, on, off, use as headband, on, off, etc.) and used to go through a pair every month or so. I always bought cheap glasses from the dollar store or Wal-Mart, but it seemed like they were always bent, or sat on my face crooked (what? one ear isn't higher than the other?) and finally, I decided to act like a grown up and pay for a REAL pair of quality sunglasses, hoping if they were expensive enough, I would take better care of them.

It actually worked.

I've had this pair for about a year and a half -- which is like, 172 in dog sunglass years. My sunglasses --- are OLD. And now they were lost.

Grumbling, I turned around and walked back the length of the mall to the store where I bought the pirate shirt. I could have driven, I suppose, but it was raining and I would have gotten wet and then had even more to bitch about, so I just walked it. Then, after retrieving my OLD sunglasses, walked back the length of the mall to my car.

However, this time, exhausted by my ardous trek, I stopped at the food court and bought a Diet Dr. Pepper, and, what was quite possibly the world's yummiest garlic-herb-parmesan pretzel.

No, I have no idea why I am chubby and have so much trouble shopping for clothes, do you?


Happy to be reunited with my OLD sunglasses.

36 comments:

vgsmom said...

I never have sunglasses long either, never tried spending more to keep me more responsible, interesting thought.

kimybeee said...

You mean you actually leave the house and go shopping for something for yourself? What does that mean? You don't wear the same 3 pairs of jeans (worn out and really too small) and a school themed t-shirt when you go somewhere? I really need to look into this shopping thing you speak of!!!

I can't ever find anything to wear - especially with the bottom half of my weeble-people shaped body. I guess manufacturers of clothing think fat people have legs that are abnormally long (for all the amazon tall fat people) or they make the legs so wide(that the amazon tall people could fit in the bottoms sideways). I hate to buy clothes and I usally don't. I am just glad there is not bag ladies where we live, or they would be dressed better than me!!

lizinsumner said...

I love 'em - what brand are they?? I loved Bucci's, and had 2 pairs of them - only now Nordstrom doesn't carry them anymore and I can't find them anywhere, so I'm presently wearing a cheap pair - but I'm like you, light eyes (and contact lenses) and wear my sunglasses constantly - which, when you live in the greater Seattle, Washington (SUNLESS-CAPITOL-OF-THE-WORLD, aka ALWAYS RAINING!!!!!) area, you take a lot of ribbing for, believe me (example of oh-so-clever co-workers oh-so=good-natured ribbing: "hey hollywood!! did you forget which way it is to the studio???!! hyuck hyuck hyuck!!")...anyway, glad you got your shades back - you look great in them. Just wear them to the dinner thing - no one will care about the rest of your wardrobe!!

Alisa said...

mmm yummy sounding topping for the pretzels. I am making them again next week, may have to alter them a bit.
Glad you found the sunglasses- what if they had not been there! GASP! You would have fodder for next weeks sp!

Anonymous said...

I can't keep sunglasses either. In fact, I have been looking for my current "favorite" pair for the last week......

Anonymous said...

I can not wait until you try on the Spanx. This will be the funniest blog you will ever write about or at least I hope so. I know when I tried to try mine on, it was very very ammusing. I never did accomplish to get them on and they are still laying in my undie drawer laughing at me every time I open it. God speed on the Spanz honey.
Lori

Anonymous said...

I love the picture, you're so cute! Do you have CJ Banks down there? It's a plus size version of Christopher Banks and they have some cute stuff there (although some of their stuff is fat old lady)> I am currently in love with their lace trimmed camis and wear one almost every day, always with something over it, usually a college hoodie, so it doesn't look quite as nice. Anyhow, they are online at cjbanks.com. Check it out for future outfits. I have the dilemma of all my spring school clothes being too small and can't wait for summer so I can wear the same shorts and shitty shirts every day. Hang in there girl!
Sheila in MN

Jeanette said...

Too funny. I always wear sunglasses too. They're on the face or on the head at all times. I'm glad you found yours. And that pretzel sounds really yummy. I guess it's a good thing that I don't live by a mall (or anything else for that matter- grrr).

Natalie said...

I am never without my sunglasses (even in a snowstorm) except that I don't put them on my head--they get tangled in my crazy hair--so I hang them on the front of my shirt. Very dangerous in public restrooms. But get this, I have had the same prescription pair since. . .1998. No lie. The style is coming back in again. Not really. I just tell myself that.

M said...

Ha! I always think that my kindergartners will remember me with glasses on my head- but now that I can't see close up I have to juggle reader/cheaters with sunglasses both vying for the top of my head! Glad you found yours...it's a pain to find ones that fit!

jenn said...

you had me cracking up! this post was great....if you go to the mall and walk it like you did, (every day like the mall walkers)...maybe, just maybe....you can lost those pesky pounds (you see and no one else does, you look great!) just like you did your sunglasses! just dont go back in to find them when you notice they are gone!
let us know how the spanx work...ive wondered if they really are as good as they say....

Pam D said...

So glad that you were reunited. I thought I was all laughed out til I read Lori's comment about the Spanx.. and at the end, she typo'd and called them Spanz (or maybe it wasn't a typo?) Cause after what she'd just written about them, I'm imagining Spanx and spaz mixed together, cause that's what it would end up being if I tried to put the darn things on. I'd be Spanz for sure! Waiting for THAT post with great anticipation...

Lene said...

Those are great glasses...I would have made the hike to find them and the pretzel.

TheBMillers said...

What a funny post and I'm glad you found your sunglasses

Barbi

Crystal said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I love this SPT! So great and the final picture is GREAT!!!

Mom2Toribug said...

You crack me up!! Glad you found your sunglasses. Awww, go ahead and eat a pretzel the Spanx will hide it. :)

kimi said...

Fashion Bug. I walked in...20 minutes later walked out with a PERFECT outfit to fit my not quite size 16 anymore body. WOOHOO.

Aren't-sunglasses-a-disposable-item? Mom to:

Daniel-14
Scott-12
Bryan-10
Sarah-9
Dana-9

lelly said...

if you find that diuretic, i'll send you my mailing address ;)

sportzmom said...

I too wear sunglasses ALL the time. Unfortunately, I lose them all the time. I have a $20 limit now. I figure if I buy the grown-up ones I will lose them immediately!

Lori said...

Oops i did typo out on Spanx. And. apparently. I. can't. spell. "amusing". either. Jeez.
Lori
PS. Kristie- only 39 more days till Alaska. Maybe I won't need a rubberband to CLOSE MY FRIGGIN PANTS BY THEN.

Ann On and On... said...

New to your blog.... I am truly entertained and will be back.

There is little good that comes out of shopping, especially when you "need" to purchase something. Have fun with the Spanx, I'll say a prayer tonight for you... :D

Ann On and On... said...

Yippee! I am your 200th follower! :D

Date Girl said...

Yikes! I hate losing sunglasses. I recently got a prescription pair so now I REALLY have to be careful, cause they were a tiny bit expensive. Glad you were able to find them. And now I am craving a pretzel...

Cathy said...

I got married in May too - so maybe May is the month of weddings. I am so glad you found your OLD sunglasses.

jean said...

Love the photo - and beautiful hair that your new BFF Ree raved about. :-) I think Natalie & I need to take one of our 'cousins trips' to OKC so I can meet you - I lost sunglasses all of the time until I got prescription ones, and I have the same shopping issues as you do. We could wear our sunglasses to Sonic for a sundae... :-)

Dianna in Louisiana said...

LOL Kristie--- Great Pictures. I too wear sunglasses ALL the time and would be lost without them.

Krisha Arias said...

Reading your blog today was like reading my life, except I am 80 pounds heavier then I was in high school and even more depressing to say 40 pounds heavier then I was when I was 9 months pregnant! And the sunglasses, I rarely wear mine on my face, always use then as a headband and then when they break, I can't figure out why. My husband always tells me "they are meant for your face, not your hair! What does he know! Have fun at your function!

Bahama Shores Mama said...

I have a function Saturday night that I need a outfit for. Can you PLEASE come shop for me??? I'll buy the soda and 6 pack of pretzels!!!

Seriously!

Thanks for the much needed laugh....as in *chuckle* I'm right there with ya sistah! *giggle*

Anonymous said...

I thought you were going to say that you walked all the way back to the store to ask the sales lady if she had seen your sun glasses and she was going to tell you that you were wearing them.

lynne said...

I was thinking you probably walked off a tonnes of calories walking up and down the mall. So you deserved the pretzel.

Marie said...

Ok, so I only have one question for you....go over and check out your best friend, Ree's, blog and then I ask you, "Did you plant that Dr. Pepper there for the picture?"

Why is it that I'm looking at a really nicely filled out pair of chaps and thinking, "Wow, look, a Dr. Pepper, hey that reminds me of Kristie"? God, I must be getting so very old....

Patti in NJ said...

Is that E.T. over your left shoulder? LOL

I always wear my reading glasses as a headband. Drives my friends nuts, but I always know where they are! :)

Lori said...

Marie I stared at that picture long and hard before I ever saw a Dr. Pepper.

jadine said...

I always put one of the arms of my glasses down the front of my shirt and keep them there when I'm not wearing them. The main problem with that is that they fall in public toilets when I bend over to carefully place toilet paper all over the seat before 'going.' (My legs are too short for the squat/hover-technique).

My anniversary is today :)

Anonymous said...

Wow! You have great hair.

Sandie said...

There is nothing better than Spanx! I believe they are mandantory after birthing children.. fat or not.