One of the many, many, many cool things about middle school, of course, is getting a locker. It's almost as cool as the fact they have vending machines in the school, except for the fact students aren't allowed to use them without teachers permission. The vending machines ... not the lockers. Getting a locker is even cooler this year, because last year at the middle school, sixth graders didn't get lockers. The fact that they get them this year is surprising, and awesome, unless you are my seventh grade nephew, who swears it's the most unfair thing on the planet and *he* had to lug all his crap around last year and why shouldn't this years' sixth graders have to as well???? See, the "I had to walk six miles uphill in both directions to school in the snow with no shoes on" type mentality starts early around here.
Anyway, enough of that.
Brayden was very excited about getting a locker, until she found out they were only half-lockers. And she would have to share with another student. And her locker is located on the bottom, so she practically has to sit on the floor to open it. And when she actually *did* sit on the floor to open it, a dust bunny the size of Kansas flew out at her head, along with some scrap paper and last year's locker recipient's school photo. Did nobody clean these lockers the entire summer? Or since the school was originally built???
Anyway, enough of that.
The promise of wet wipes and some locker accessories made up for the crummy location and dusty condition, and so far, she hasn't been assigned anyone to share it with ... so it's actually big enough to hold her solitary binder. So I thought she would still be happy, until the first day she stormed up to me after school and informed me that "Her locker is JANKED!"
And I said, "You mean dirty?"
And she said, "No, I mean it's JANKED! The lock doesn't work!"
So the first thing I did was walk her back to her locker and show her the correct way to open a lock. Spinnnnnnnn to the right, then back around once to the left, then just a liiiiiiitle back around to the right. Ta-da!!! Lock opens!! (Seriously, hello, bosses of the school? Maybe next year on the first day of school you should consider a remedial class in "locker opening" because I was one of three parents standing there having to teach our kids how to open their "Janked" lockers after school today. Obviously this is not a skill these kids are just born with.)
The next thing I did was inform Brayden that there is no such word as "Janked". To which she promptly replied, "Oh yes there is" and I came back with the snappy retort, "Oh no there's not!"
When I got home I googled the word. Although Brayden is in fact correct, and "Jank" is a word with many meanings, one of which is "messed up" or "not right", do you know what the very first definition listed on Urban Dictionary is?
"To be brutally raped by a 400 lb wild gorilla"
What the heck does that even MEAN??????
Clearly, Brayden is getting a first-rate education in middle school --- specifically, language arts, don't you think?
Remind me to tell you the story sometime about how my senior year of high school I was completely obsessed with the Soloflex guy, and had dozens of bumper stickers and ads and photos of him and his amazing upper body slapped all over the inside of my locker, so that every day when I opened my locker between classes I pretty much just stood there and drooled over the pecs on that guy. And how on the last day of school, as all the seniors were getting excited for graduation that night, I got called to the office and told I wouldn't receive a diploma until all those stickers were removed. And so on the afternoon of the last day of school, while everyone else was doing whatever it is semi-nostalgic seniors DO, I spent my quality time with a straight-edge razor, cleaning out my locker. Man, that sucked.
In fact, had I had the stellar vocabulary at that time that Brayden has now, I'm pretty sure I would have said the whole thing was "Janked."