Friday, May 02, 2008

Did It? Didn’t It?

Ahhh, the two week wait. That nail-biting time during which I promised myself not to scrutinize every twinge in my mid-section as an indicator of whether or not the transfer had worked ..... NOT to dwell on how I felt and did I feel any different and most important did I feel 48 or 72 or 96 hours pregnant .... what does 72 hours pregnant even *feel* like, anyway, and oh, wait, I AM ALMOST POSITIVE THAT CRAMP IN MY STOMACH WAS AN IMPLANTATION CRAMP AND THE EMBRYOS ARE ATTACHING I CAN FEEL IT I SWEAR I CAN ACTUALLY FEEL THE IMPLANTATION CRAMP!!!!!!! ----- oh, wait, that's just gas.

I was undecided about whether or not I wanted to cheat early with a home pregnancy test. If it was positive, I wanted to know as soon as possible. But if it was negative, I wanted to postpone the disappointment as long as possible. Our blood pregnancy test (beta hcg test) was scheduled for June 11, and my IM’s birthday was a few days before that, so I told the counselor I thought I might take a home test in the hopes of giving her good news on her birthday. The counselor, however, strongly suggested that I *NOT* cheat, and was emphatic about me not telling my couple either way. It’s possible to get a negative home test and actually be pregnant, and it’s possible to get a positive home test but not have a viable pregnancy. She didn’t want me to get my hopes up, or squashed, before hand … and she especially didn’t want me to stress my couple out either way. So I decided not to cheat.

Some of the friends in my mother’s club didn’t understand that I didn’t actually know already whether or not I was pregnant; that I had to wait to find out just like a “normal” person. Many assumed that because the transfer had gone well, I should have been able to find out if it worked right away. Like taking a test and having it graded immediately to find out if you passed or failed. Or, sort of like when Phoebe played a surrogate on Friends, and got a positive home test the same day as her transfer, claiming her body did things “faster than other people’s”. It might have made for good television, but was about as far-fetched as you could get. Depending on if the embryos attach, and when they attach, how many attach, when they start producing the hcg . …. all those things can affect home test results, and how early a home test might, or might not, show positive. Quite frankly, this is just one of those times in life when you can’t hurry it up, no matter how much you want to.

Finally, I got tired of people asking and not having an answer, so I decided to take a test early, simply to find out for myself. And, so I could quit mashing my boobs all the time, trying to feel if they were sensitive. They were, but I began to suspect my mashing them all the time had something to do with that. My keen sense of optimism was slowly disappearing, for two reasons. One, I was having absolutely no pregnancy symptoms whatsoever; no morning sickness, no fatigue, no hunger, no sore breasts (well, except for the continual mashing.) Never mind that I never had any of those things with Kellen or Kendrie's pregnancies. In my mind, I should have been having them, and the fact that I wasn’t worried me. Second, it was a bit of a defense mechanism. If I convinced myself it didn’t work, then I wouldn’t be as disappointed, right?

I took a home test, which was negative. And although I held out hope that the blood test scheduled for a few days later would be positive and we’d all get a pleasant surprise .....….

It wasn’t, and we didn’t.

Round number one = failure.

Man, that sucked.

28 comments:

Cathy in MI said...

Heartbreaking. I really thought it was going to work the first time. I am enjoying this journey so much, and thanks again for taking the time to share it.

Denise Tidwell said...

I want to cry... Try it again, it will work next time, right? How many times do couples try typically? Is this normal not to work the first time? How disappointing!

Anonymous said...

Wow that had to be crushing! I am loving this story, thanks for continuing w/it.

Robbin

Mamasita said...

Aww man - I was sitting on the end of my seat expecting a totally different answer. :-(

Anonymous said...

I absolutely expected you to say it worked. That must've been crushing. Thanks for continuing the story.

--Patti in NJ

Deb said...

I can't take it anymore....update like 5 times a day so I can hear the rest!!! Can't you hire someone to do the laundry??? ha ha!

Marie said...

I thought for sure you'd be pregnant! What a crushing disappointment for all of you. I anxiously await the next installment.

Trish in VA said...

since I am disappointed that it didn't work, I can't imagine how crushed you and the IPs must have been! Looking forward to the positive test that I know comes later!

Anonymous said...

Oh man! I just knew it was gonna work! I'm so disappointed. I can't imagune how you must have all felt living through it! At least I know that the end will be good, because I know you've been a surrogate! Ahh...sometimes it's good to read the end of the story! Of course, I guess it might not have worked with this specific couple, but I'm telling you right now - it better have! Or I want a warning right now so I can begin to prepare myself!

Alayna

ClarkFamily said...

Kristie - I just wanted to thank you so very much for your honesty with your journey ... you (as a mom) amaze me and the way you tell your story is beautiful ... thank you again very much!

Have a great weekend!

Rebekah

Becca said...

Boo. Gosh, I feel the sting for them right now, and I know it happened awhile ago!
Also, yeah, the Phoebe thing? When she took that test? I totally rolled my eyes--that's so not how it works! For surrogates, IVF moms, or anybody else, for that matter!

Marisa said...

I too thought you would say it worked the first time...and I also felt the disappointment.

Jeri from Hawaii said...

Heartbreaking! I can only imagine how disappointed you and the IPs must have felt. I'm all with the reader who suggested that you update several times a day so we don't have to wait so long for the next chapter of the story - shoot, I'll donate $$ towards a housekeeper/laundry person so you can have more free time to take care of the important things like updating your blog.

Aloha,
Jeri

Elonda said...

Thank you so much for sharing your amazing story. I enjoy your blog so much!

KD said...

Waaaaahhh!!! I agree...get someone else to do the laundry so you can write. Mine's piling up while I sit here and read!!

Kaitlyn said...

Kristie, you should write a book! You sure know how to keep us in suspense and coming back for more!

Dianna in Louisiana said...

God, you are such a great storyteller Kristie....Uggghhhh.... the dreaded 2ww.... it must have been awful to not have gotten pregnant the firs time-- ugh, ugh and double ugh

Have a great weekend!

Dianna in Louisiana said...

I forgot to mention in my previous post how completely I understand all too clearly the boob squishing phase of the 2ww, and all of the other stuff that comes along with it like going to the bathroom every two minutes to check cervical discharge...... Can't wait to read about when you actually got a ++++++++ !!!!

Georgie B said...

Nooooooo.

Oh that's not what I was expecting (you either I guess).

This is going to have to be published you know that don't you!!

Anonymous said...

Wow, I thought for sure it worked the first time. That must have been heartbreaking for you.

Deb from NY

Anonymous said...

In Real Life I expect bumps in the road. It's easy to forget this is RL and not just a good novel so I was expecting a happy ending. I'll be hanging around for the next chapter and all the ones that follow because I know there's a happy ending in here somewhere.

Dixie (in CA)

Grandma J said...

Oh no! I was getting excited. So sorry.

Anonymous said...

Just thought I would "delurk" to let you know I was still here, but not commenting (not on purpose). I have been checking every day to see if there was a post. You have NEVER posted every single day and I LOVE IT!! Thanks for taking the time out of your busy day to share with us. I have really been enjoying the story.
Wendy in Winder, GA

Eloise said...

Oh, man, how heartbreaking! Looking forward to some good news for you and the IPs. Keep the story coming.

Andrea said...

Shoot! I totally expected you to say "and I was pregnant".

Stacie from MN said...

Oh, I can't believe it! Everything with this couple had seemed so perfect up till now, it seemed like it was destined to work on the first try!

Stacie

Becca said...

Oh my word - your story and profile info leave me speechless.

Peace and Hugs,
Becca

Anonymous said...

You see, this is why I read so aptly and and sometimes don't comment. What does someone say about this other than "that sucks" and is so heartbreaking. I am never sure if this type of reaction is supportive or just my own "drama". Loving every detail of your story, including the sad parts. I am truly amazed at your courage to go back and try this whole process again. Kristie you are not only a wonderful storyteller but in inspiration to me.