I'm Totally Pulling a Justin Timberlake

You remember when Justin Timberlake took the liberty of flashing Janet Jackson’s boob at all of us during the Super Bowl Half Time Show a few years ago? And then, when the television network required him to publicly apologize for his actions, his exact words were, “I’m sorry if that offended you” --- Do you remember that? I made a big stink to Blaine, and anyone else who would listen, about how THAT was not an apology, THAT was a cop out. A *conditional* apology. A **real** apology is when you take responsibility for your actions, admit they were wrong, and say you are sorry. Hugh Grant, going on Jay Leno, after getting caught with that prostitute while he was still dating Elizabeth Hurley, and saying “Yeah, I screwed up” --- THAT is taking responsibility for your mistakes. Not making some lame-ass statement like Justin Timberlake that is the verbal equivalent to “I’m sorry YOU are so uptight that seeing her scary nipple ring made you uncomfortable.” (Although, it *was* scary … did you SEE it???) He didn’t say he was sorry he did it, he didn’t take responsibility for his actions, or even pretend it happened by accident. He basically said, “I’m sorry if YOU didn’t like it.” And he said it with a smirk on his face. What a weenie.

Now, guess what. Regarding my previous journal entry, I have something to say: “I’m sorry if that offended you.”

What, exactly? Well, my comment, that for every healthy white baby placed for adoption, there were {statistically} one hundred couples approved and waiting to adopt. I did actually pause while typing, and hesitated putting it out there, due to those two words … Healthy. And White. And sure enough, I got called on it. Privately, and with tact and kindness, but called on it nonetheless. So I feel compelled to explain myself just a little, in case there are other people I offended with that comment as well.

When Blaine and I applied with the adoption agency, we were asked what kinds of babies and/or children we would consider adopting. White, black, Hispanic, mixed, older, special-needs, medically-challenged, sibling groups, foster kids, etc. And he and I talked about it for a long time, and honestly examined our feelings and expectations, and came to the decision that we wanted to adopt the same kind of child we would have given birth to, if we’d been able to become pregnant. I am white; he is white. Therefore, we wanted to try and adopt a white baby.

The bottom line is that there aren’t as many white newborns placed for adoption as there are people waiting to adopt. That’s why I made the comment about one hundred couples --- just to point out that we were so blessed to be chosen by M, when she could have gone to other agencies and had her pick of dozens and dozens of other couples, all of them equally deserving, and equally hopeful, just like us.

Had we been willing to consider a child of a different race, or an older child, or a special needs child, I’m sure we could have adopted much more quickly. And we considered it. Very seriously considered it. Even then, I felt sure I could love any baby, whether it was black or purple or plaid. Now, of course, with the wisdom and experience of being a parent, I know that to be true.

But adopting a baby, or an older child, or a child of a different race, is something you should do because you WANT to do, and you feel LED to do; because you are one of those amazing people who have a special calling to do such a thing. It should NOT be seen as a shortcut, just so you can adopt more quickly. At least we didn’t think so.

Some people didn’t understand why we made that decision. They didn’t agree, and thought we were being too picky. I had one person say to me, “Beggars can’t be choosers.” And for a brief moment, I wondered if they were right; were my expectations unreasonable, or too high? Was I some kind of closet-racist, and didn’t even realize it, that I wanted a white baby? But I kept coming back to the same argument -- I wanted to adopt the same kind of baby I would have had myself. And that baby would be white, unless my fantasy involving Denzel Washington ever came true, but that discussion is probably not appropriate for right now.

So we waited, and waited, and finally gave up. And as you know, after that, eventually, M picked us.

One thing I find truly ironic: Just a month or two after being approved, the agency contacted us not once, but twice, about a baby that was being placed for adoption that was born with severe birth defects. Years and years of medical challenges and complications lay ahead for this baby, and it was imperative they get it placed in a good home that could handle this sort of medical situation. We talked about it, and considered it, and said no. We felt it wouldn’t be fair, to us or the baby, to take on that sort of responsibility as a military family that bounced around so much. How could we provide continuous medical care, at the level this child would need, when we move every few years? We came to the decision that if any child of ours ever became unhealthy, we would deal with it then. But to knowingly take on that challenge wouldn’t be the responsible thing to do. And as you know, a few years later, our youngest daughter Kendrie was diagnosed with leukemia. And we discovered that the decision we made not to adopt that baby all those years ago was without merit after all, because our family could indeed handle a medical challenge.

Of course, had we adopted that baby, we wouldn’t have Brayden. And God knew she belonged in our family, which is why we were led not to adopt the first baby, or any other baby. Which is why (I know this in hindsight now) I never got pregnant, no matter how long or how hard we tried. Had I been able to get pregnant, we wouldn’t have tried to adopt. We had to get Brayden into our life first. Then God “cleared" me to become pregnant. I believe that with all of my heart.

But back to my comment. I’m sorry if I offended anyone with the words “white” or “healthy”. I’m sorry if it seemed insensitive to anyone’s family or anyone’s children. I’m sorry if I made it sound like any other kind of child wasn’t just as special and wonderful and deserving. All children are beautiful and deserve to be be raised in loving, good homes. Every single child. And if my earlier comment made it sound like I feel any other way, then I’m sorry. And if that comment was insulting or insensitive to you personally, then I’m sorry I offended you.