Monday, June 12, 2006


So, after listening to myself kvetch and gripe about how everyone still thinks I am pregnant because apparently I am a big huge fat ass, I decided it was time to take some action. Time to make some changes in my wardrobe that would allow me to walk about in public without constantly being asked when my baby is due, and overall, feeling slovenly and unkempt. You know, put up or shut up about the way I look.

“Wardrobe” is in fact a very generous term for the clothes I have hanging in my closet. Styles have changed the past few years and needless to say, I haven’t kept up. I’m a Stay-At-Home-Mom … a What-Not-To-Wear, just waiting to happen ... it’s not like I need high-end clothing to drop my kids off at school each morning. The majority of my summer clothes were purchased for my last class reunion in a desperate, “Oh-my-gosh-my-class-reunion-is-this-weekend-and-I-have-nothing-to-wear!” trip to the mall several years ago. Apparently, it was the geriatric section of the mall, since all the blouses make me look like a 72 yr old woman preparing to take a bus tour with her church friends. All that’s missing is the fanny pack and big straw hat. Trust me; it was time for a change.

So today, armed with my Visa card and the resolve that in some cultures, hundreds of years ago, my body shape would be revered, off I went. I was fully embarked on a mission to find clothes that would show off the hip, stylish, groovy mom that I am. Or that I think I am. Or that I would like to be, or like to at least fake others into thinking that I am. Maybe. If I'm lucky.

As everyone knows, the most sure-fire way to ensure a shopping trip will fail is to leave the house with money to spend and ample time to spend it. But believe it or not, I actually found some shirts that I liked! That fit! That made me look NOT eligible for an AARP discount!

And thanks to Kathy, from Gainesville, GA, and her tip in the guestbook about Lee Relaxed Fit Jeans, I found two pair of jeans that I liked, too.

So then I was like a crazy person and decided well hey, if I’m going to do it, I’m going to do it right, so I went ahead and splurged on three pair of sandals because everyone knows you can never have too many pair of brown sandals (and to any man who might be reading this who doesn’t understand that, trust me when I tell you I bought one pair of auburn, one pair of chestnut, and one pair of mahogany, and YES, there is a difference.) Seriously, I was like a shopper on speed and the only reason I stopped then was because I couldn’t carry another bag without throwing my back out.

I came home and gleefully unpacked all the packages, congratulating myself on my fashion-savvy and thinking about how chic I would look wearing my new clothes. And I decided, you know what? Kellen has a baseball game tonight. Granted, it’s nothing more than hot dogs and sunflower seeds at a dirt field, but by golly, I’m wearing my new clothes and showing off my trendy self, so everyone can admire the new, modish me!

And so the dressing began. New shirt (one of those little strappy numbers that all the “in” crowd is wearing these days) new jeans, new sandals; I even put on jewelry, brushed my hair, touched up my makeup, and spritzed a little perfume in the air -- woohoo! Truly, I was a fashion diva. I practically left lipstick-kiss marks on the mirror from where I was admiring myself so much.

Blaine and Kendrie stayed home tonight, and as I drove Brayden and Kellen to the game, she asked, “Does that big cloud in the sky mean the game is going to be rained out?” I was so busy winking at myself in my rear-view mirror that I hadn’t even noticed a cloud. But I responded, “No, it’s not a rain cloud, just a cloud-cloud”, all the while thinking that the cloud was great news, because then I wouldn’t need my sunglasses and more people could admire my smoky-kohl eyeliner. I’m telling you, I was WORKING IT, girl!

When we parked the van, Brayden asked one last time, “Are you sure we don’t need an umbrella?” That was when I remembered I had taken the umbrellas out of the car last month when I had it detailed and never put them back in …. Oh well, I was still positive it wasn’t going to rain. So we got to the game about half an hour early, set up our chairs, and waited. The two teams in front of us were finishing up their game, while I chatted with some other parents and skillfully flipped my hair around, sucking my stomach in all the time, thinking truly, I am hot stuff.

Then our boys took the field. And I felt a “plop, plop” on my arm. Then another. Oh dear, looks like it might rain.

Before five minutes had gone by, it was raining hard enough that most of the parents had taken sanctuary under the snack bar roof. *I* didn’t, because by golly, my boy was on first base and I wasn’t going to miss a minute of it. I wasn't going to let a few little sprinkles run me off ---- Kellen was playing ball, and I would stay there and cheer for him until the bitter end, that's how much I love him!! Until it started raining hard enough that it was running down the back of my new, stylish pants and the crack of my heiny. That pretty much did it for me and I joined everyone else under the snack bar.

Before ten minutes had gone by, it was raining so hard they stopped the game to see what the weather was going to do. For another ten minutes, I stood under the snack bar roof, with a hundred other wet, sweaty parents, amazed at how closely-packed bodies in 100 percent Georgia humidity can feel sticky, even when you’re not actually touching one another. And also spent those ten minutes watching the sky for lightning, because the team was huddled in the dug-out, under a metal roof.

By the time twenty minutes had gone by, they had called the game. So what were we to do? The rain obviously wasn’t letting up, the game had been postponed until tomorrow, we didn’t have umbrellas, and the van was parked a hundred yards away at the other end of the parking lot. Naturally.

So what *did* we do? Well, we gathered up as much dignity as we could, stepped out into the pouring rain, packed up our chairs, and walked to the van, jumping in puddles and trying to catch as many raindrops as we could on our tongues.

Tonight was *supposed* to be trophy presentation night, so lucky for you, I had a camera there to capture the moment.

You tell me --- baseball mom, or Alice Cooper look-alike?

And you know what was really funny? By the time we got to the parking lot, I was so very soaking wet, and my new strappy blouse was completely plastered to my mid-section, causing not one, but TWO parents on the way out to say to me (that’s right …. Everyone together …. Say it with me now…..) “Haven’t you had that baby yet????”

Oh well. “E” for effort, right?

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