Saturday, June 10, 2006


Do you know what the six most vile and unforgivable words are in the English language? Well, technically, I would imagine that there is a wide variety of choices, depending on your personal situation. But for a woman (oh, I don’t know, say, for example, a woman like ME) who is three weeks post-partum, the six most vile and unforgivable words in the English language are “Haven’t you had that baby yet?”

Not to be confused with the four most vile words: “When are you due?” This question implies the person doesn’t know you (ME) and might make the mistake, from looking at your (MY) still-poochy tummy, that you are (I AM) indeed pregnant. So while annoying, and a little frustrating, three weeks after you (I) have given birth, this is an honest mistake and forgivable.

But the six words: “Haven’t you had that baby yet?” implies a sort of casual relationship between the asker and the askee …..say, like the relationship between me and my local Kroger cashier --- again, just for example. Obviously, the person asking the question *knew* I was pregnant recently, and what they are saying to me, in essence, is that it doesn’t matter that I am actually fitting into non-maternity clothes and thinking that I’m all fabulous and hot stuff and that in my own warped mind I am looking surprisingly decent, but that in reality I am still a big fat-ass with a stomach that is so incredibly poochy they can’t even tell that I have already given birth, to a 10-lb baby no less. Having a toddler vacate my midsection ... that ALONE should make my stomach look smaller!

You know what? This entire thing is too depressing. I blame it all on the makers of these damn low-waist pants. Sure, if I were a teenager and had the stomach muscles of a Russian gymnast, I could wear pants that hang around my hipbones and offer absolutely no support whatsoever in my midsection. But I’m not. I’m a 39 yr old woman who has been pregnant five times, had a c-section, is slightly overweight, and by golly, I need a pair of pants with a waistband that comes up higher than my belly button! If I no longer have the stomach muscles necessary to suck in my own gut, then I would like to be able to purchase a pair of denim Capri’s that can camouflage it, or suck it in for me.

Is that really too much to ask?

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