Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Forget Jenny Craig, stricter measures are in order. Like wiring my damn jaw shut.

I mentioned yesterday that like 95% of the people on the planet, I started my New Year with the same-old-boring-resolution to live healthier and eat better and exercise more. Blah blah double triple blah. I say boring because it’s the same resolution I make every year, and every year I do great until approximately Jan 8th, when the pressure and stress and abject longing for chocolate push me over the edge to the point of mainlining Hershey Bars. And since I don’t think playing the drums on the Wii Rock Band my kids got for Christmas actually counts as aerobic exercise, I feel safe in the declaration that so far, this year’s resolution is already a big fat failure. Goodbye fat jeans, hello yoga pants from the plus-size section!

Fast forward to this past weekend:

So, it’s great to be living back at home, and finally be “in the know” as far as social events. Social events like the current planning of my high school reunion which will be taking place this summer. Did I mention it’s my TWENTY-FIFTH high school reunion? Holy crap, I’m old and that’s depressing. So I signed up on Facebook and started reconnecting with people and playing the “what have you been doing?” game with everyone, which I am just nostalgic and sappy enough to totally love.

Of course, it plays right into the fantasy we all have, right? Showing up at a reunion looking all hot and foxy (do people actually say “foxy” these days?) --- stunning everyone you haven’t seen in years with your youthful beauty. (Don’t try and deny the fantasy … you KNOW you have it, too.) I’m sure I can accomplish that …. I just need to do something about these wrinkles. And age spots. And gray hair. And twenty thirty forty extra pounds I’m carrying. (Again, what with the resolution that is not working out so well.)

Then I heard from a classmate that I used to date. That I used to date a LOT. That I really, really, really liked …. And, ok, fine. I’ll just say it. At the time, I thought he was the one … the, THE one. And yes, as an adult I can look back and realize what a dope I was at eighteen, but at the time? Broke my heart.

His wife?

Who I actually met fifteen years ago at a reunion and liked very much, but never saw again because we never lived anywhere near one another?

That wife???

I just found out ----- is a freaking aerobics instructor.

Hole. E. Shit.

Perhaps since diets always fail me (or I fail myself, if you want to be persnickety about it) THAT is the incentive I need to stick with the resolution and lose twenty thirty forty pounds in the next five months. Like I want to stand next to her, looking like THIS??? With rubber bands popping willy nilly all over my fat jeans?

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some celery to nibble on and some water to guzzle. Then I’ll be scheduling some Botox and Rejuvaderm and highlights and tanning sessions and a face lift and a tummy tuck and …………… oh, hell. Maybe I can just be away that weekend. Doing something vastly more fun. Like cleaning the muck out of sewers or something.

16 comments:

Coachdad said...

Wow... I could read your stuff over and over again. Best of luck with it this year and don't give up. In 2002, I lost 80 pounds and have yet to put it back on. So, good luck!

Pam D said...

You know, I have a vague suspicion that she hasn't had to be quite the woman that you have. And, I have another vague suspicion that, given the choice, I would choose you over her as a friend. Even so, I understand your desire to look great, because we all have that same desire. But Kristie, really, no matter what you weigh or how you look, you will ALWAYS be beautiful in my eyes. And more importantly, in God's... and don't you EVER forget it!

Anonymous said...

Kristi...I am dying here... YOU are so funny!!! And, you know you what?...you speaketh the truth...I am so there with you...my 20th is this year. Ahhhgghhh...going back and reading it again!!!

Rachael J.

Anonymous said...

Ah, a nothing like an upcoming class reunion to motivate a weight loss program! I had made a commitment to myself to lose weight this past year as I had a reunion on my calendar. I failed miserably at my goal but went and had fun anyway. Trust me I was not the only one who was sporting a little extra weight.

Amy said...

Hey Kristi -- If going head to head against the aerobics instructor isn't enough motivation for you, join the Biggest Loser contest I've got going on over at my blog. You can win a CD and socks. Seriously, who wouldn't overdose on aerobics for some Biggest Loser socks.

Renee said...

What is it about those damn class reunions?? Great diet incentive. We can do it....

Laura in Michigan said...

Although I DIDN'T go to my 25th reunion, I DID see pictures. I totally didn't recognize anyone because they were so OLD! Why would I want to go hang out with old people....???? But you sound you liked the people in your class, so it would be fun. And truthfully, most of your classmates are trying to lose twenty, or thirty, um, I mean forty pounds too.

Anonymous said...

Kristie, try the South Beach diet or no carbs. I have been doing it for the past month and lost 10 pounds so far. It's very easy and you see results quickly. Good luck. I had my 20 year a couple years ago and you will be surprised at how much the men age and put on weight. You're awesome!

Lori said...

Well now, she could be a fat aerobics instructor. They do exist. She could also have a pinched, drawn face due to malnourishment. She might be mean as a snake due to aforementioned lack of chocolate.

That said, fear of loss is a huge motivator and if that's what it takes to get you moving, so be it.

I am 15 pounds heavier than I was last year. Last year I was also fresh off my second Ironman finish and this year - sloth rules. It's discouraging and I am not sure what I need to shock myself back into action. Maybe you found something.

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Just had our 20th in Nov. so I totally get how you are feeling. It was fun and I was NOT the most out of shape person there!!

Hallie

karen said...

I'm with ya Kristie, only no class reunion to go to. But dang it I lost 50# 3 years ago and gained it all back 2 years ago. Damn chocolate and any thing sweet, hell just anything...I look preg. all the time, but hey I'm not upset about this...yeah nope not at all. Just tell why it is so damn hard to lose weight but you can gain it back so easy.
So as I sit here contemplating going and making cookies, guess that would not be good for losing wt. but hey it is freaking cold outside.

Hey maybe we could meet up in our fat jeans in Florida together.

lizinsumner said...

Oh, I can make this VERY easy for you - here's the rule: BLOW OFF EVERY HIGH SCHOOL REUNION AFTER THE 15 YEAR ONE. Simple. Easy. They're always the same anyway - bad food, crappy venues, bad bands, watered down drinks....the only difference is that as the number goes up (15, 20, 25, 30!!), the people get more difficult to recognize - which is depressing. Take my advice - save yourself! Just say no!

Anonymous said...

I had my 20 year high school reunion in November, and had the same noble resolution.....to lose weight and look incredible. I settled for a nice, new outfit that hid the fat! Jillian Michaels (one of the trainers from the Biggest Loser....she's a stud)has a DVD called the "30 Day Shred"....you can buy it for $15 on exercisetv.com. Best $15 I've ever spent! Get yourself some hand weights (5 lbs?), put on your yoga pants and sports bra...and clear the family room! It's only 20 minutes of exercise (and seriously, who can't find 20 minutes in their day?!), but it will kick your butt. Then I usually ran about 1 1/2 after each work out too, but you don't have to...I just like to break a big sweat. I did it about 5 times a week, for two weeks and lost 10 pounds! Gotta watch those calories, too....I was trying to stay between 1000 and 1500 (Lean Cuisine, baby!)....and only water. Good luck :) Let us know how you're doing!!!!

Julie H

MMK and YMR said...

Kristie, I have been a lurker on your site for a while now and I have written a couple of times, but I have to tell you that last month at my 25th High School Reunion, you and your blog were the topic of conversation. I graduated in the same class as Frances (Lucas' mom) and rather than compare large bums (well hers isn't, mine is) we talked about you and your blog. Our classmates thought we were crazy, but we had a good time. . .

Marisa said...

Hole E. Shit
Pick me up off the floor from laughing so hard.

melinda marie said...

So guess who started Jenny Craig today? YEP... after a weigh in (gasp!) and $490 later I'm back on the wagon. I too have, 20... no 30... no... 52 pounds to shed until "goal." And if I can do it... you can too!
YOU GO GIRL!
Melinda