How to get kicked out of your new Sunday School Class in 34 easy lessons

1. Join the biggest adult Sunday School class at your new {old} church, one with well over a hundred members, and feel slightly intimidated because dude, that’s more people than you had in the entire congregation at your last church, but the best thing to do to make friends is just dive right in and get involved, right?

2. To that end, sign up to bring donuts your fifth week there in a desperate, “Pick me, pick me; we want to make friends!” kind of way.

3. Vow to take four dozen of the sparkliest, sprinkliest, icingest donuts ever made, to impress upon everyone how much fun you are and what an asset you will be to the class.

4. Find a “Buy one dozen, get one dozen free” coupon from Krispy Kreme -- score!

5. Decide not to buy the donuts the night before the Sunday School class because you don’t want them to be all stale and nasty for all your newfound {Oh, geez, I hope they like us} friends.

6. Wake up this morning a few minutes early, allowing time to drive to Krispy Kreme and purchase donuts before Sunday School.

7. Get online; google nearest Krispy Kreme.

8. Discover nearest Krispy Kreme is almost half an hour away from your house. Revise plans.

9. Two of the human pets in your house have overslept --- tell husband you can handle things and he and oldest child should go on to church. You will get two younger children ready, go to local donut shop (sadly, no coupons) and then meet at Sunday School.

10. Get agitated at children when they are not ready on time because they are too busy lying around on the sofa moaning about how they don’t want to get up and go to church because “I’m too tired -- I’m still sleepy -- I’m cold" -- ad nauseam.

11. Leave house five minutes later than intended, but still feel confident in your plan because local donut shop is only five minutes from your house.

12. Discover local donut shop is not open on Sunday mornings.

13. Shit --- holy shit!

14. Ooops, can’t say shit, you’re on your way to Sunday School.

15. Drive to second nearest local donut shop, which is apparently also closed on Sundays. Realize Sunday School starts in twenty minutes. Start to sweat. Officially freak out.

16. Nine-year old child in back seat pipes up with suggestion to go to gas station and purchase, “those little round white donuts with the powder all over them.”

17. Thank the good Lord your nine-year old is a genius because you wouldn’t have thought of that yourself.

18. Drive to nearest 7-11 and discover they don’t sell those little round white donuts with the powder all over them. Have another moment of freaked-out panic sweating because good grief, they are expecting us in class with donuts for everyone!

19. But Ah-ha! They DO have a donut case at 7-11 with actual real live donuts in them!!!

20. For a dollar apiece.

21. Revise four-dozen donut plan down to a dozen and a half.

22. Ask 7-11 worker for donut box big enough for eighteen donuts.

23. Stuff eighteen donuts into a tacky plastic bag because that is only thing they have available.

24. While stuffing, several donuts stick to tray and tear in half which leads to suspicion that these are day-old donuts.

25. While paying for day-old, crappy, stale donuts, which will certainly not endear you to your new Sunday School classmates, realize you only have ten minutes to get to the church. Notice soda fountain, which contains dispenser for DDP. Do the quick math. Decide the risk of being late to class, with crappy day-old donuts, is worth the DDP fix that you so desperately need at this point.

26. Drive like a maniac back to the church (little old blue-haired lady in the crosswalk? WHAT little old blue-haired lady?) and discover one, single, solitary, FRONT-ROW parking space --- score again!

27. Breathe sigh of relief because you’ve made it to church on time.

28. Deliver crappy day-old donuts in ugly plastic bag to Sunday School class, apologizing to anyone who will listen for being such a loser.

29. Realize you should just shut the fuck up because nobody cares.

30. Don’t say fuck, you’re in Sunday School.

31. Panic that donuts might really be a day old, so take one to sample, despite the fact you don’t even like donuts.

32. Eat donut, drink DDP, and be completely unable to concentrate on lesson due to sugar rush.

33. Acknowledge that all new classmates assume you are a tightwad, low-class, unorganized, caffeine junkie who has no business trying to make new friends, especially in a Godly arena.

34. Wonder if the Sunday School class next door has any openings.