Sunday, November 16, 2008

Ty Pennington, eat your heart out

So, I've talked in the past about how lucky we were to get this house, in this school district, and how the previous owners renovated it from a tiny, older home into the house we currently enjoy. And while I feel blessed with every bone in my body to have gotten this house (Hello, Mr. Elementary School Principal, glad you don't hold a grudge!) and thrilled that we didn't have to do the work, and relieved beyond measure that buying this house negated what was pretty much the greatest financial mistake of our marriage ............. still, I have been slightly confused by a few things about our house.

I love being so close to the school, and our church, and the house is without a doubt bigger than any house we could have afforded to build ourselves, and I am so, so, so grateful we're living here and not in the middle of what I'm sure would be Renovation Hell in the first house we bought ..... but it's weird. I mean, the layout and design of this house is weird.

Who builds a 3600 sq ft house with only two bedrooms? Never mind the bedrooms are big enough to hold wedding receptions in, or perhaps land an aircraft carrier in ... who does that? And who builds a pantry bigger than most bathrooms, and puts in a state-of-the-art oven/stove/grill/vented hood thing .... but puts both of those items in a kitchen, the size of which is usually found in a much smaller house? And puts a closet in the upstairs bedroom that is bigger than most bedrooms? And yeah, we've got storage out the wazoo (remember, Kellen actually sleeps in a 20 x 12 ft CLOSET) but has a teeny tiny living room?

The living room is probably my number one pet peeve about this house. I'm sure it was the perfect size for the family before us, who only had one child --- I mean, it's not *really* teeny-tiny. That was me, exaggerating (imagine that.) But once you get all five of us sprawled all over the furniture, plus any friends my kids have over, or heaven forbid any of my family come over to hang out, not to mention the piano we purchased after the kids started lessons, ..... basically, there's just not as much room as we would like in some parts of the house, and way more room than we need in others.

We decided one way to clear space in the living room would be to move the entertainment center into the master bedroom and get a smaller, simple tv stand that wouldn't take up as much space. The entertainment center was something the previous owners left behind when they moved. First, I thought it was simple generosity on their part, leaving it behind for us to enjoy. Then I thought maybe since they were down-sizing they didn't want it. Because it's not just big, it's really big. After last night, we realize the *real* reason they left it behind is because it's so freakin' monstrous they couldn't get it through the door when they left.

There are two ways to get to the master bedroom, and both paths require a u-turn in a hall. Hmmmm. How do you get an eight-foot piece of furniture through a seven-foot doorway and turn a 180 degree corner at the same time? You don't. You measure, and squint, and discuss, and measure again, but ultimately, you don't.

So just what DO you do????

Like Larry the Cable Guy might say, you grab the necessary tools, and saw that sumbitch in half.

(OK, so maybe Larry the Cable Guy wouldn't really say that. But there's just something incredibly red-neck satisfying about the word "sumbitch" and I just don't get to use it often enough!)

First you discuss how hard the wood is, ie, "real" wood vs pressboard, and whether your skillsaw will be enough for the job.

Then you talk about the merits of actually sawing this piece of furniture in half, and how you're irreparably damaging a very nice piece of furniture for all time .... but really, what are your choices?

So the heck with it .... you start cutting.

At first your sister is all squinchy because she cannot believe the two men in the family -- one of whom has an engineering degree and one of whom has a surveying degree, so they both have a firm grasp on the concept of space and structure and form and dimensions, couldn't figure out a way to get that thing into the bedroom without sawing it in two .......

But eventually she comes 'round to your OCD ways, and even volunteers to hold the wet-vac hose while the cutting is going on. (Notice *I* am not doing anything? Besides documenting the entire process with photos for posterity's sake, of course. We all have our special talents, after all .....)

(Did I mention that my brother in law was diagnosed with walking pneumonia earlier this week? I'm sure the flying wood particles were especially helpful to his lungs.)

Holy canisters of Pledge, Batman! Had we dusted under the television since we moved here???? Ummmmmm, apparently not. But look! They got the sumbitch sawed in half!!! And since Cliff only coughed up ONE lung, and he has two, then everything is ok!!

And after moving both halves into the bedroom and reassembling, you can hardly tell any damage was done.

I owe my brother-in-law a very expensive thank you gift. Something perhaps nicer than the brownie sundaes I made for their whole family before they left. Because while the entertainment center was freakin' HUGE, it was the 37 inch console television that weighed 400 pounds and gave him a hernia, moving it. Kelly and I were both trying to help (but not succeeding, since we are basically puny little wimps delicate flowers) and we were ALL trying to keep Blaine from having to lift anything (what with the radiation and all ...... lightweight that he is) and so basically my brother in law wound up doing everything. Walking pneumonia and all.

Now, if you'll excuse me, before I can shop for his gift it appears I have some dusting to do.

PS. As an aside, this is the first time in twenty-one and a half years of marriage that Blaine and I have had a television in our master bedroom. I don't know whether to be sad because it appears as though the honeymoon phase is truly over, or to be thrilled because now I can watch Dancing with the Stars, roll over and go to sleep!


Pam D said...

It would be very interesting to meet the folks who designed the house and get the real explanation as to why they built it the way they did! The guys did a great job in cutting and moving it; I probably would have gotten frustrated and resorted to an axe. Very creative solution to a perplexing problem!

Stefunkc said...

I can't believe it moved! What does the wall behind it look like? By the way, before you subject (is that how you spell that?) Cliff to more stree, call Shawn. He'll do just about anything that involves power tools!

Rhonda said...

Kristie, Bravo! Home improvement well done! I think I'm going to have to go back and read all about the "worst financial decision you ever made" in order to appreciate the love of your new home. WE have one too ... that is the worst finiancial decision we ever made (buying a home in Washington DC area) and now have lost tons of $$$ and still can't get it off our backs. Tell me how you did it!

Anonymous said...

Ah, you'll love the TV in your bedroom. I might not be popular for this, but it works for MY family....and that is that we all pile in our bed and have family movie time. Our boys are 11 and 14. Then after the movie starts I roll over and fall asleep if it's yet another Star Wars or disaster movie while my husband and sons enjoy the movie. They get tired of my chick flicks, so we compromise. We also have "bed dinners", which we actually did last night, and we put big towels on the bed to protect the comforter and bring dinner in and eat it like a picnic while watching a movie or the Discovery Channel.

Your guys did an excellent job of moving that baby! Whoa! I laughed when I saw your sister with the sweeper. I'm always the one chasing the sawdust and dust bunnies when we do stuff like that.

Claire in Indiana

The Running Girl said...

HaHa. We've had to do that before - cut furniture in half to get it where we wanted. When we moved into our current house, I had my brother build a book shelf for Madison's room. Only we didn't think about getting it up the stairs, down the hall, around the corner and into her room. Yep, had to be cut in half. Glad it all worked out for you.

Jacqueline said...

Good Lord! That thing is a behemoth!

Haley said...

Yay for Skil saws! My boyfriend works for the company who also makes Skil products, so I have become a crazed tool promoter overnight. If Blaine ever needs any Rotozip products, let me know.

By the way, I probably would have sold it on Craigslist or given it to Goodwill and then gotten a new one. My mom constantly is telling me that my "disposable" lifestyle is not a healthy one.

Karen said...

Well.... you beat me - we made it 17 years before a TV moved in our bedroom. And it's been the news channels ever since. Oh how I hate the news channels.

Anonymous said...

I just have to say....having a TV in my bedroom makes my life almost perfect....for the very reason you stated!


Anonymous said...

I just have to say....having a TV in my bedroom makes my life almost perfect....for the very reason you stated!