Friday, September 08, 2006

To "Gentle Reminder" in my guestbook:

So many thoughts on how to respond; so little time.

Thought #1: If you are correct, and I offended anyone with the contents of my “Birthday Bitching” post, I’m truly sorry. I have to assume you don’t read this site regularly, or you would know that my self-deprecating sense of what (I hope) passes for humor is the norm here …. but it is never intentionally hurtful or insensitive or disrespectful. I would be crushed to think I had insulted the families of Haley, Jay, Cameron, Marcus, Clare, or anyone else I “know” through Caringbridge and consider a friend. If I did, I’m genuinely, truly sorry.

Thought #2: You bring up a valid point …. Caringbridge is a service provided for families in need. Another reason I assume you don’t read my journal regularly is that if you did, you would know that I’ve mentioned several times in the past month or so leaving Caringbridge and moving my journal to a more traditional “blogger” platform. However, although I don’t mention it much, my family is still in “need” thanks to Blaine and his stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid times infinity head and neck cancer (see Thought #3) and so I’ve decided to stay here a while longer. And, while I don’t want to give anything away prematurely, I’m collaborating on a writing project with someone that I hope will be beneficial to the CB community and eventually allow me to give back some of the kindness that has been shown to me and my family.

Thought #3: Cancer sucks. I could tell you about the half hour I spent with Kendrie and her ONCOLOGIST yesterday, talking about LATE TERM EFFECTS of her CHEMOTHERAPY regimen, and RELAPSE SIGNS of LEUKEMIA but that’s not too cheerful. I had an entire journal entry ready to go about Blaine, and how he’s feeling, and what is happening for him next week, because people have been kind enough to ask in the guestbook. I could write about how he hasn’t slept through a single night in the past four months due to the extreme burning and pain from the radiation. How he wakes up at midnight, or 2am, or 4am, and has to sit on the side of the bed for ten minutes before he can even get up and walk, and then he spends hours sitting on the sofa all night waiting for his pain meds to work so he can go back to sleep. Or about the frustration he feels about not being able to go outside and play with his kids because the heat and humidity wreck his sinuses and he’s so fatigued and exhausted and depressed all the time. But then I wonder if griping about the crappy parts of our life would be better or worse than poking fun at the good parts of our life, which thankfully, the latter outnumbers the former. Crappy = bad. Funny = good. At least to an insensitive person like me. And then I think about how you can’t please all the people all the time. And then I think about why do I care what you think, anyway?

Thought #5: {{{{{ internet raspberry to you }}}}}

Thought #6: You’re not the boss of me.

Thought #7: The beauty of Caringbridge is that it’s a VOLUNTARY community, meaning I VOLUNTEER to write about my life and you can VOLUNTEER not to read it.

Thought #8: Wow, that was really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really immature of me to say. But it made me feel better. And that’s all that matters here in Kristie-ville. Me, feeling better, about myself. Well, I’ve got to go. I’m a very busy person, you know, with lots of things to do. Like knock some blind, crippled people over, or flatten the tires on some wheelchairs. (Oh, shoot. Now I’m being all disrespectful again.)

Although, in all seriousness, see Thought #1.

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