Wednesday, March 04, 2009

I changed my mind

Well, apparently the doctor who said an MRI would be fine for Blaine was correct, as he had one yesterday morning, and no metal came out of his nose and his head didn't shoot up and stick to the magnet like I worried it would. So I guess all is well.

The doctor did say it was very important Blaine lay still so they could get a clear scan with no "movement flares" (I'm sure there is a more technical term for that, but right now I'm too lazy to look it up, plus the last time I tried to google a pretend medical condition {last night} I wound up getting three-shades of porn links on my computer and geesh, I'd really prefer to avoid doing that again, if at all possible .... anyway, I'm rambling.....)

So he prescribed Blaine a mild anti-anxiety drug (Ativan) to take before the procedure .... one pill an hour before, one pill a half hour before, and one pill right before if he still wasn't feeling completely calm. Call me silly, but hearing the words, "Hey, it appears you have a cancerous tumor in your brain" is not so much with the calm-inducing, so Blaine went ahead and took the third pill as well.

That was probably a wee bit of overkill.

The MRI was scheduled for 7:30 am yesterday morning, which means we had to leave our house around 6:45 (God bless Grandma Betty, who gamely came over waaaaaaaayyyy early to get the kids to school for us) which meant clearly, WAY more important than the MRI itself, was the fact we didn't have time for breakfast. So after the MRI was finished, we decided to stop and eat on the way home. A breakfast date, of sorts. With Blaine, the man I married, the man I love beyond measure ............ the man who was getting more and more stoned from that third Ativan by the minute.

By the time we arrived at the restaurant, he said to me, "I'm feeling a little wobbly. Will you hold my hand in the parking lot?" Uhhhhh, ok. I offered to take him home and cook breakfast but no, he said eating out would be fine.

We went inside, sat down, and ordered. And as the minutes passed, his eyes got droopier and droopier, and his movements became slower and slower. And naturally, such as the order of things in life, I started making fun of him because dude, you're totally stoned!! And you're having trouble making the fork work for you, and it's hysterical!!

Meanwhile, although he kept insisting he was FINE, there was proof that his brain was sluggish:

I mentioned to him that it had snowed in Byron (our old hometown in Georgia) yesterday, and he asked incredulously, "While I was gone??" And I laughed ... ha-ha-ha-ha .... isn't he funny when he's not thinking clearly?

Then he started grilling me (well, as much as you can grill someone when you are slurring your words) about some base contract construction and when was it going to be finished? And when I told him I had no idea what he was even talking about, he insisted I did, because (and I quote) "You are up at the base all the time, hanging out with those other military wives, and you do too know!" And I laughed ... ha-ha-ha-ha .... isn't he funny when he's so confused?

I said something about Kendrie hopefully feeling better because she stayed home sick from school on Monday, and he was startled, as if we had just found out that moment she was ill and we needed to go get her. He kept asking me, "But is she ok?" And I laughed ... ha-ha-ha-ha ... isn't he funny when he's lost complete track of time?

Then he leaned across the table and put his hands over mine. "You haven't changed a bit" he said, earnestly, his droopy, glazed-over eyes looking into mine.

"What do you mean?" I asked, thinking to myself, "Oh, this should be good, Mr. Fast Times at Ridgemont High."

"Well," he said, "sure, through the years your body has gotten bigger and then smaller, bigger and smaller, but your face has stayed the same." And he smiled at me (more of a drunken smirk, actually) with what he obviously thought was a compliment.

"Really?" I asked, still laughing at how drug-induced his thinking was. "Because I'm forty pounds heavier now than when we got married, so I'd be amazed if it hadn't changed."

Blaine sat back in the booth, appearing confused. "Forty pounds?" he asked. "Really? Then I guess its good I married you back then because I probably couldn't carry you across the threshold now."

And I laughed ... ha-ha- ah ........... ahhhhhhhhh, what???? Did he just call me ..... FAT??????????

Is it too late to take back my 100 Things I Love About You???? Because I just changed my mind.

38 comments:

Alisa said...

This was the funniest thing to read before I even start my day- wow! I can't wait to hear what he had to say after everything wore off ... please share that part too.
I had to have Jay read this as well-

Amy said...

You gotta find something to laugh at, right? Too bad you didn't record him on your cell phone or something.

I remember one time when Mike was in the hospital and they gave him the Ativan-type stuff. He suddenly became very complimentary of all the nurses, holding their hands, telling them what a wonderful job they were doing, talking about how doctors just don't get it that the nurses are the ones who do all the work. It was quite funny.

Thanks for the laugh!

Jeanette in GA said...

This is EXPONENTIALLY funny to those of us who know Blaine and his usual quiet, polite, and professional demeanor.

All I can say is I want what he's having.

Anonymous said...

That is a great way to start my day off! Thanks! But poor Blaine. Does he know the world humiliation you just embarked him on? Hahahaha!
Tammy in Ohio

Denise said...

Did the whole Ativan thing 2 weeks ago for some minor surgery! I didn't take three though! One was bad enough! Thanks for always sharing you "situations" with us! We love you and continue to pray for all of you, and especially Blaine. I complete healing would be real appropriate right now!

Mamasita said...

Oh, poor, poor Blaine. He will never be allowed to live this down, will he?

Blaine, I sympathize/empathize with you on this one.

A few years ago, I had a hysterectomy. They gave me Valium before the anesthesia. No idea why. Anyway, all of a sudden, every one started sounding like they were talking in slow speed. Like when you would put a record on the slow speed as a child. I mentioned it to my husband who then proceeded to start talking like Dory from Finding Nemo when she was speaking whale. That REALLY freaked me out. I then proceeded to talk to the guy wheeling my gurney to the OR about going bike riding together, as I was laying there in my birthday suit. My husband teased me about that forever.

But hey, Kristie, look at it this way, it appears he has not even noticed the 40 pounds until you mentioned it, so give him a few kudos for that. :-)

Very glad to hear that the MRI was able to be done.

Keep us posted!

Love to you all.

Trish in Leesburg, VA said...

glad the MRI went ok (even with the metal)- when will you get the results? Gotta love ativan loL!

vgsmom said...

This was so fun. I hope Blaine knows this is your revenge for those comments. I think Pastor's sermon probably applies here. "Forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing."

cerealdieter said...

I am sitting here crying from laughing sooooo freaking hard!

Anonymous said...

Reminds me when my husband had an MRI and they asked if they could get him anything else and he replied, "A six pack of Coors Light." He also asked why they didn't sell Demerol over the counter.

Karen - Mommy to four sweeties said...

That was too funny!!
Thanks for the laugh.

Anonymous said...

I'm crying from the tenderness through the haze of drug induced brain and mouth. I am looking forward to the day my husband and I go out on a date and he leans over to tell me I have not changed one bit since the day we fell in love, even through the years of playing 'the game of life'.

Dianna in Louisiana said...

Awwwww Kristie---- Blaine is SUCH a Sweetie, caring so for Kendrie and seeing how beautiful you are. You are beyond blessed to have him as yours and he is beyond blessed to have you!!!! You may certainly not take back the 100 Things I Love of About You!!!! In fact, I think that you should start on the next 100 things and include in it the fact that even when he's looped up on drugs, he is still a doll!!!!

jean said...

HILARIOUS! It's always funny when you're not the one on the drugs... :-) Too bad you didn't get it on video. At least you had something to laugh about in the midst of all of the stress.

karen said...

Oh Kristie, hope he felt ok after it wore off. Let us know when ya have the results ok, we are praying for ya.
Good job only gaining 40 mine is more like ummm.70, gulp....

lizinsumner said...

Oh, I enjoyed this.....besides, you gotta love the Blainster - even when he's stoned!!! During the last few years of my mother's life, while she was on hemo-dialysis, her doctors prescribed ativan and she would use it from time to time for anxiety - BUT she was never as entertaining as Blaine is on ativan. Way to go Blaine! On a more serious note, praying for the MOST POSITIVE OUTCOME POSSIBLE from the MRI.....

Pam D said...

Bless his heart, you put it out there for all the world to see! Those drugs do a number.. I still remember my dad coming out of surgery on his back and asking the nurse if his hysterectomy went OK. Whaaa???? But hey, he still loves you.. I can think of MUCH worse things that could have come out during "confession time" than that!
Praying...

Pam K said...

That was hilarious!

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Love it, love it, love it.

But honestly, anything said while stoned doesn't count!

It's a rule. :)

Hallie

krueth said...

Oh my goodness...I just sat and laughed as I read this post...You gotta love him, LOL. Poor guy all doped up and you laughing at him and now telling us all about it...Thank you so much for sharing...I am praying for him.

Cate said...

Dude, when he gets unstoned, you are in so much trouble. Or is he in so much trouble? You made me shoot sweet tea out of my nose. Happy Wednesday!

Elaine at Lipstickdaily said...

That's great . . . where does one get somma that stuff?

Anonymous said...

I love your husband.....stoned and sober. ;)
Erin

Marge said...

It's such a wonderful blessing that you are able to find the funny in any situation. I suppose it's a way to cope with it all.

Blessings to you and your Blaine. And do let us know the results when you get them. So many people are praying for your family.

Heather said...

Kristie- Way to find a way to have fun with an MRI! Only you. I would love to get my hubby stoned and find out what he's really thinking ;)

Blaine is constantly in my prayers.

gorillabuns said...

i'm glad he's okay.

though, i'm not so sure my husband would survive the threshold comment - stoned or not.

Anonymous said...

I can't stop laughing...oh my goodness was that FUNNY! I actually think I like the part about you hanging out at the base the most...that's hysterical!

Thanks for sharing!

Abbie
DSM, IA

Marisa said...

So Funny ...

kimybeee said...

Now Kristie, you have to admit you walked right into that one head first. My husband and both my kids are sleep talkers, that is kinda the same thing, and I love to mess with them too. My husband once sang the whole "CatDog" cartoon theme song while he was asleep once. I could go on forever about the stupid stuff he says and does, and I usually do.

Enjoy the little things, because someday you will realize they are the big things!!!!

kimybeeee

Anonymous said...

FUNNY..AS..HELL!! I LOVE Blaine and I don't even know him personally. Did you have to carry him out from the restaurant?


~Debbie~

M said...

Oh what I would have given for one of those Ativans when I had my MRI...the first thing they said to me in the tube was, "don't swallow and lay S.T.I.L.L!" That moment I felt salivation...suffocating me. They had to do the damn thing 2x to get a decent picture!

Glad he was okay...I kept waiting for hte part where you had to carry him!

Anonymous said...

LOL That was just plain fun to read, even if it is at Blaine's expense.

My poor little baby had an MRI today and they must have given her Ativan, too, because she was loopy and not her usual sunny self.

Dixie

Rosemary said...

How you do this amazes me... such a stressful, horrible time, and you can make me sit at my computer laughing out loud. I should truly, truly learn to be more like you.

He was so SWEET.. hope my husband hasn't noticed the fifty pounds I've gained since we got married (and he's within ten pounds of his weight, and it has been TWENTY YEARS!).

Thank you for keeping us updated.. please know how many of your cyber-stalkers-lurkers-never met friends are praying for the best possible outcome from this continuing suckfest.

Renee said...

Every time I think about this, it makes me laugh....

Natalie said...

So last night I was sitting on the couch reading this and snorting and guffawing so loudly that Eamonn asked if I was getting choking. The fact that I sound like a choking when I laugh aside, I ultimately composed myself and sent this to him to read. Imagining Blaine doing this IN PUBLIC sent me into near hysterics. You slay me, girlfriend.

URBAN BLONDE said...

Awwww that was so cute! The only thing cuter would to have it all on video and playing on youtube! LOL ;)

Hmmmm I wonder who really is hanging out with all those other military wives instead of working?

Alice said...

I'm sorry, but it made me laugh. A lot.

Anonymous said...

Hello Kristie,
I'm so sorry to read that Blaine is once more undergoing tests, I hope and pray that the outcome will not be bad. I pray for his complete healing. I laughed at your description of how the drugs made him high, poor Blaine, he sounds such a wonderful character! I agree with Dianne in Louisianne that you ought to begin the next hundred reasons why you love him and certainly not be deleting any of the first hundred!
I haven't checked in lately so was glad to hear that Kendrie and all of you are ok. I've had some pretty sad things going on in my family so have been back home, also not felt like doing much lately.
Take care
Angela xx