Saturday, March 07, 2009

I can't even remember everything I've forgotten

You'd think, what with this being the fourth time and all, that getting a new cancer diagnosis for Blaine wouldn't be a big deal. Wouldn't throw me for a loop, rock my world, take the wind out of my sails, or any other corny phrase you prefer to put with it.

And really, for the most part, we're plodding along ok. No sense getting melodramatic or stressed out until we at least know what the plan is .... and hey, considering all he's been through prior to this point, it just seems indulgent to freak out this late in the game.

But for some bizarre reason, I haven't been able to get my head on straight since we got the news last week. You know those commercials for cold medicine, where you don't even realize how blurry the screen is until the actress peels off a "layer" of gauze from the picture and then suddenly WOW! Look how clear it all is, and who knew things were so fuzzy??? I feel .......... fuzzy. Like I can't quite get my shit together.

Need proof?

Here is a list of things I have forgotten to do in the ten days since we found out.

NOT "remembered but didn't have time for" .... but flat-dab FORGOTTEN.

1. Take Kendrie to her first soccer practice of the season.

2. Buy Kendrie new soccer cleats before her first practice of the season.

3. Buy Kendrie new soccer cleats before the SECOND practice of the season but thank goodness we went shopping last night and remedied that, although to hear her tell the story, she's probably crippled for life from having to go to a single practice in too-small cleats. Too bad I couldn't re-vamp the orthodontic headgear as shoewear and we would have both been happy.

4. Pay for my kids to take part in Hat Day at school today.

5. Pay for Kellen's end-of-the-year chorus t-shirt at school this week.

6. Give our PTO president a check I owe her that I've been carrying around in my wallet for a week.

7. Send Kellen's tri-corn hat to school this morning like the principal asked so he could wear it in the Pirate Skit (the principal, not Kellen) for assembly first thing. Good thing I live so close to the school. My sister called me and literally RAN to my house to pick it up. Of course, I had to call Blaine to find out where it was because I couldn't remember where I had put it. Then my sister RAN back to the school. Then she collapsed from an asthma attack. (Not really, but she said she had no idea she was that out of shape.)

8. Do any part of my bible study this entire week.

9. Pay for Kellen's upcoming soccer tournament in Arkansas. And I don't mean "pay for Kellen's share". I am the team treasurer, and I mean "Pay the entire team registration." Thank goodness the team mom reminded me and we had enough time left to still get our payment in, otherwise the entire team would have missed out because of me.

9 1/2. Call and reserve hotel rooms for the entire team for the Arkansas tournament.

10. I am the PTO officer in charge of our Skate Night Fundraiser, which we've done once a month this entire school year. This month alone, I forgot to take the cash box, the deposit slip, the change, the list of students, and forgot to put the sign out in front of the school to remind students what day it was taking place.

11. I forgot to buy strawberries for tomorrow night's Middle School spring banquet.

12. I forgot to buy hair clips for Brayden (see: tomorrow night's banquet.)

12 1/2. I forgot to buy Brayden new shoes to go with her new dress for the banquet.

12 3/4. I forgot to order a boutonnierre for Brayden's "date" for the banquet.

13. I forgot to call and schedule a follw up doctor's appointment.

14. I forgot to rsvp for a birthday party.

15. I went to the commissary for my monthly shopping trip. I not only forgot my coupons, and forgot my shopping list, I FORGOT TO MAKE A SHOPPING LIST. I wound up just walking up and down the aisles, throwing things into the cart willy-nilly. I spent $200 over budget and my family will still end up eating Corn Pops with mustard for dinner.

16. I have left the house at least three times this week without a cell phone because I forgot to put it in my purse.

17. I forgot to do anything with the hamburger meat I set out the other night. Blaine came home from work and asked what was for dinner. I replied mini-meatloaf muffins, then realized I FORGOT TO COOK THEM.

18. Our entire family is being baptized this upcoming Sunday. I DREAMED that we forgot to go, then showed up late, then forgot to take dry clothes.

I'm sure there are other things I've forgotten, I just can't remember what they are. It's a miracle I've remembered to pick the kids up from school each day.

On the Blaine front, he got a phone call today scheduling an appointment next week to discuss the MRI results and plan what's next. Considering the call came from the Neuro-Surgery department, I think we have a pretty good idea what they're going to say.

I just hope I can remember to show up for the appointment.

Wait. Blaine who?


Anonymous said...

Oh Kristie, it's normal to forget all that stuff, your brain is still trying to cope with the news/crap. Blaine, you and the kids are on my daily prayer list and I also throw in a prayer any time I think of you, read your blog or see you on Facebook. I had a dream that we came to meet and visit you, but you and Blaine were out, so we visited with the kids. Kendrie kept spilling grape KoolAid all over the carpet in different rooms. I don't think I'll ever be welcome in your house after that! Take care, make lists and don't worry about the little stuff!
Sheila Johnson-MN

Denise Tidwell said...

Stress does funny stuff to our brains...I've been known to get in the shower and forget which knob is the cold and which is the hot! Blaine's "on our list" (the prayer list not the @#$^ list). Take care!

Anonymous said...

I know that sense of dread and fear that allows that cloud of distraction to creep into your life. It's a wonder you get out of bed in the morning. Sending positive thoughts your way.

Tina S said...

Remember what ALL-Kids would refer to as "Chemo Brain". We're too busy dealing with news, meds, appointments, illness, side effects, etc... That our non-cancer brains are going to explode. First of all if I had to do all that stuff I wouldn't remember anything either. Eventhough its been 1 1/2 since Bryce went OT I still forget to send lunch money, pay field trips, turn on the dryer to dry the wet clothes (and I've done this at least 3 times in the past week), feed the dog, etc.... I even teach at the school my kids go to and I can't remember everything. Trust me, there is too much extra "stuff" at school these days. Hang in there. I'd say make a big list, but everytime time I make a list ...I LOSE it. Maybe one of those giant pieces of chart paper on the wall like SUper Nanny does. They actually make giant chart sized post-it notes. HA! Seriously. I also wake up at night with those dreams too, but they're usually work related now.
It's called a big ole' crap sandwich full of stress. I remember when I was pregnant I was the same way, maybe not as bad though as now.
Go to Sonic and get some DDP! I'm prayng for you and Blaine and your family. If people can't understand right now what you're going through, they'll get over it. Prayers and hugs your way!

Tina Summers

Lisa said...

Have a hug. Your brain can only handle so much, and a fourth round with cancer for Blaine is a huge deal to cope with and the fact that it has gone into his brain makes it all the more scarey. I hope and pray the doctors will have a rabbit to pull out of the hat to give Blaine a once and for all cure and if that isn't possible to give him as much quality time as possible with his family. My prayers are with you all.

Anonymous said...

Hi, It sounds like you have a lot on your plate normally. I'm thinking of you and praying too !


Anonymous said... forgot one more thing......GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK!! None of these things are as important as you, your family, and Blaine......I think you are doing a WONDERFUL job holding yourself and your family together. Don't forget that Blaine's illness is your illness too.....Give yourself the time to do what you need to recover from this latest knock......God Bless you!!!

vgsmom said...

All seems normal to me under the circumstances. Some of us "meaning me" would be glad to help if we "I" can.

Marisa said...

I don't know what to say except I have your family in my prayers.
Wish I was closer and could help run errands or something for you!!

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness....I would never be able to keep all that straight under normal circumstances!!! Perhaps you can envision your family and friends as the huge phone network (as seen on TV) standing behind you, Blaine and the kids to support you, point you in the right direction and catch you before you fall.... Those of us out here in cyberland will continue doing what we can from afar....pray, pray, and pray some more.

Mary Z -- the OTHER one :)

Deb said...

Praying for you all. I am sure it is hard to wrap your brain around everything that is going on in your life.

On an off note...what are meatloaf muffins? My family loves meatloaf and I am thinking this would be something they would love!

Take care, always keeping you in my prayers.


Amy said...

I'm lining up in the "cut yourself some slack" camp. Let someone else take over the school skate. Delegate what you can of the soccer team responsibilities. Tell Kendrie that in Africa they play soccer barefoot!

Glad you can find the humor in it all.

Anonymous said...

First of all, thanks for sharing about your baptisms on Sunday. That makes me smile. Big. :-)

I'm sure you're already aware of this, but stress DOES cause short-term memory loss. My job of 20 years was eliminated and a career counselor made sure that we knew what to expect emotionally and psychologically. Not to mention the fact that my husband lost his job six weeks later. They also told us not to be surprised if good news seems extra good and bad news seems extra bad. I'm not 100%sure about this, but it sounds to me like I should expect to be a bit bi-polar for a while. And I think I'm on target for that.

So ease up on yourself and know that it's NORMAL. (Yah. Whatever "normal" is.)

You're okay. You're GREAT.

Claire in Indiana

Anonymous said...

((((Hugs)))) You all are in my prayers.

Kris Herbst
Bettendorf, IA

Anonymous said...

Give yourself a break...also don' forget to change your clocks tonight!

Renee said...

Hang in there, friend.
Don't FORGET to get dressed before going to church tomorrow! And change your clocks tonight!!!!

M&Co. said...

Man! I forget that shit on a REGULAR basis. I can't imagine the kinds of stuff I'd forget if I had the added worry of my husband having a brain tumor.

Anonymous said...

I do all of that w/o a husband battling cancer!
You are a step ahead of me!
Hoping things start looking up!



Dianna in Louisiana said...

While reading your post, here's what I thought. Wow, Kristie:

1. Enthusiastically (well, most of the time anyway!) gets her kids involved in extracurricular activities.

2. Participates in school fundraisers like Hat Day and Skate Night

3. Is an active member of the school PTA

4. Has the type of relationship with the prinicipal at her kids' school that he borrows costume accessories from her.

5. Participates in a Bible Study.

6. Took on the responsibility of being treasurer of Kellen’s soccer team.

7. Prepares food for a middle school dance.

8. Is such a great mom that she realizes the importance of Brayden having the little things for her banquet like new shoes and a flower for her date.

9. Is there for Blaine to maintain his schedule, attend the important doctors appointments with him and laugh at him when he’s loopy on meds.

10. Actually has some sort of budget and doesn’t regularly waste $200 at the store.

11. Prepares dinner for her family on a regular basis, so they miss it when she doesn’t. Do you realize how many parents just stock their pantry/freezer and let the kids fend for themselves?

12. Is getting baptized with her entire family (that’s SO awesome!)

Girl, do you realize that there are so many, myself included, who would not consider doing half the stuff that you do, and we are not facing half the things that you are. When I read this list I thought---- Good Googly Moogly how does she do all of these things period, much less than doing them with the extra stress of Blaine’s current (and prayerfully last) bout of c. Really and truly, I think that you are superwoman!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

If you had the time I would suggest that you make a list of ALL the things you DID remember. I'm sure that would stagger all of us MORE than what you claim to have forgotten! Blaine, you and the kids are always on my mind and in my heart.
Robin in Suwanee

lizinsumner said...

Oh sweetie - all my prayers going out to you and your memory, not to mention Blaine and your family. Hang in there. I wish I had something witty and uplifting to add - but, I'm in a bit of a fog myself. You see, the IRS put a levy (translation: STOLE) all but about $500 in my bank accounts (translation: all that I have if you don't count my 401k!), and although I've seen my accountant and he assures me I will get it all back, I'm dead broke until they let lose of it. So - fog?? Yeah, me too - although money can NEVER, EVER compare to a person's health, I just wanted you to know that I, and probably just about every one else reading you, understands......

katy said...

Time changes here tonight so if yours changes too don't forget or you may miss the baptism...

Mamasita said...

As usual, by the time I make it to the guestbook, all the good things have been said. :-(.

I agree that it is impressive what all you do. I know your kids will remember later how involved you were in there lives. Having a teenager now, we actually have some of her friends that have developed a parent/child type relationship with us because we are so involved. So much so that they have their own laundry piles here. And they go in my closet and borrow clothes just like my own daughter does. It does pay of later to be such an integral part of their lives.

That is so exciting about the baptisms!! We just had a baptism in our family. Jump over and look at the pics when you get a second. You know, since you don't have anything else to do. :-)

Anonymous said...

Clearly you did NOT lose your sense of humor! Pick and choose your "battles". Obviously you are not only a "bit" distracted, but most likely suffering from some chocolate deprevation:). Indulge - you deserve something "sweet" as reality sucks! Thinking of you, Blaine & the kids...Randy
P.S. Just don't forget to treat yourself to some extra hugs for and from the kids - this sucks for them, too, as you WELL know!

DeborahB said...

You wouldn't happen to be pregnant, would you?? Just kidding, I think! Cut yourself some slack seriously! My brain hurts from thinking of half the stuff you do on a day-to-day basis. Hang in there!!

Anonymous said...

Dear Kristie,
I don't sign often but I follow you faithfully and I am so fond of your sweet family. Everyone has said the obvious so I will just send my love to you and hope there is some comfort in knowing that this old Granny in Auburn, Ca. is thinking about you and Blaine often. I'm sending strong vibes your way for some good news. If I had all the crap you're dealing with I would stay in bed with my teddy bear. Oh I forgot - you can't do that when you have 3 kids!
With a big hug,

Rosemary said...

Wow.. I'm exhausted just reading that list of what you forgot, can't imagine how I'd feel if I actually had to DO the things you do!

Here to join the cut yourself some slack club.. and maybe, just maybe, delegate a ittle while you're fighting this battle with Blaine?

You are such a wonderful wife/mother/friend/volunteer... list could go on!

In my prayers..

Tammy H. said...

I'm impressed that at least you remembered all that you forgot! :) Tammy H.

Pam Cumming GA said...

Praying for your family,

pam said...

Speaking of forgetting stuff, I had the stomach flu a few weeks ago, which my family graciously shared with me. I threw up so much, that I fainted in the bathroom. I *gracefully* hit my head. Next thing I know, I wake up (with memory loss) and there are 2 firemen, 2 ambulance people, and a policeman in my bedroom!!!

Embarassing! A reminder to wear a nice nightgown when going to bed. But I digress.

Apparently, after hitting my head, I could not remember anything. Ie, who my husband was, etc. On the way to the hospital, one of the ambulance guys asked what the name of my husband - you would have thought that I won 1st place at the 1st grade spelling bee when I answered correctly. LOL. I also remember being so upset - thinking, I don't have time to be sick! I have so much to do at work! But I can't remember where I work!!!

Just a story to hopefully give you a laugh!!

Cumming, GA

Starsnrose said...

I still check on you now and then and am so sorry to hear about this latest diagnosis for Blaine. I will definitely be praying.

Jennifer said...

All at one time, you remembered at least 18 things you forgot. I wonder what you forgot that you've still forgotten.

Sorry this is taking such an emotional toll. Does it help that it's a normal response? Cut yourself some slack.

Anonymous said...

Ay Carumba!! I am so impressed that on good days that you CAN remember all of that stuff! You are AMAZING!!!

Hope this is a better week!

Anne in GA