Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Thin Skin

I want to thank all of you, from the bottom of my cold, shriveled heart, for responding so kindly to my Internet-Hissy-Fit last night. Not sure if it was more Hissy Fit, Temper Tantrum, or good old-fashion Pout, but either way, I sincerely appreciate the kind comments that followed. And, while I have never been shy about the fact I am a comment-whore on this blog, I can reassure you that despite what someone in the guestbook said (hopefully, jokingly) about that post being nothing more than a ploy to get more of you to sign in and leave a note, that’s not the case at all.

I realize that it’s my PERSONAL blog, and my PERSONAL stories that I share, and people can take it or leave it. However, maybe I’m just not tough enough, but when I read a comment that leads me to believe I’ve stepped on someone’s toes, or someone doesn’t like something I’ve written, about my PERSONAL life, I take it, well, personally.

Yes, when Kendrie was in treatment I wrote on her Caringbridge site for therapy and would have done so no matter if anyone ever read it or not. The empathetic, supportive notes I received back were simply icing on the cake for the mental peace that blogging about our cancer experience gave me.

Here, though, I blog for fun, and am not above admitting that I’m grateful the vast majority of the comments are positive ones. Not sure why people read if they’re never going to comment, and not sure why people feel the need to comment if they don’t like what they read. But, I’ve said it before, confrontation gives me hives and to that end, I am activating the comment moderation feature on this site, starting tonight. NOT because I don’t want to hear negative comments, and NOT because I only want the positive comments coming though, but because it just makes my life easier to know drama can be contained that way. Does that make me a dictator? Why yes, it does. So sue me. Or, just quit reading, how’s that for a suggestion?

Now, with regard to this surrogacy story, I think I have to be totally honest with all of you. About the fact that I haven’t. Been honest. Totally. I mean, honestly, I haven’t been totally honest … wait. What?

The truth is, I’ve been sort of, in a way, not a mean way or a deceitful way or hateful way but more of a little white lie way, been lying by omission. Yes, I know there are some of you who find it hard to believe there might still be parts of my life I keep private, but it’s true.

One of those things is the fact that I am currently working on my fourth surrogacy journey. I had it timed, or *thought* I had it timed, so that when I finished telling my surrogacy story here online, that I would be able to follow it up with the announcement that I am expecting. It was going to be quite an exciting announcement, and after seeing the baby’s heartbeat on the ultrasound last week, I couldn’t wait to get through the story, to my wonderful news at the end.

Unfortunately, while in Texas on Spring Break, I suffered a partial miscarriage. The day after that happened was the day I wrote my cranky post about surrogate compensation. Hmmm, hormonal, anyone? Last night, I was preparing to go in today for my d&c --- my second in five months, thank you very much, this surrogacy journey is not going as smoothly as the others, to say the least --- and found the comments, which led me to believe I had upset some people with my story telling and opinions and experience.

Honestly, a small part of me snapped, and I thought to myself, “You know what? Forget it. I feel shitty enough about myself right now as it is, and I don’t need this blog to make me feel even shittier.” Hence my decision to stop with the story. Who knew that in addition to whacked hormones and night sweats and cramping and bleeding and the feelings of guilt and fault and blame and incompetence and remorse and loss, that yet *another* symptom of impending pregnancy loss is EXTREMELY THIN SKIN??? But that’s what I had last night, and why I simply couldn’t face telling any more of the story if it meant I might upset even the minority of people reading it.

So thank you sincerely, honestly, and earnestly for your comments. Even though you didn’t know what I was going through today, they buoyed me in my time of need. And those of you who *did* know what was happening, thank you for keeping it private.

I am in a much better place mentally this evening and would be honored to continue the story. It is an extremely important part of my life, through good times and bad, as today so sadly reminded me. But if I can enlighten, or entertain, or educate (again, blah blah disclaimer about me not being a professional anything blahblahblah) with my experiences, then I’m happy to do so.

In the meantime, please put the baby’s parents on the top of your prayer list tonight. What I have been through this past week in no way compares to what they have been through, and they deserve much better. Hopefully I can still give that to them and get the happy ending to this story, after all.

120 comments:

Christine Vecchione said...

You don't have thin skin- you are human. I am sorry this attempt is not going smoothly and will be praying for all involved. You are also an exceptionally good writer. I am a poor commenter as I don't do so very often although I love your stories and check for one every day. I even recommend them to friends- one friend who just got her computer up and running even told me one the first sites she wants to visit is yours. Hang in there. Christine

Ginger said...

Thanks for continuing! I've been reading for a LONG time.....since Kendrie was mid-treatment back on Caringbridge, and it was a no-brainer to follow you here. I've recommended your blog to several friends, and often felt like if we ever met while you still lived in GA, we could be great friends, as we view so many things in the same way. I don't comment much.....honestly, because I didn't really think you'd want to hear what I have to say. I'm not nearly as interesting as you!! We'll keep both the baby's family and yours in our prayers....and keep sending good thoughts up that you all have your happy ending!! :o)

Anonymous said...

I will certainly be praying for them and you. I've been through a miscarriage and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy not to mention some one who I like (but have never met...whatever...you know what I mean!) I'm proud of you for wanting to continue sharing your story and hopefully continuing with your fourth journey. I'm looking forward to learning all about it. For now, REST!!! you deserve it!

Meg from Ga

Joedi said...

Sending prayers for everyone from WR, GA. Take care Kristie.

Joedi

Denise said...

Kristie -

First and foremost, I am so sorry for this loss for you and the family! I will keep you all in my prayers. I am glad to hear that you will be continuing your story as I love my daily doses of reading your blog and love your stories, insights whatever you want to call them. Thinking of you! Keep you chin up and thicken that skin :), there are many of us who love you and love reading your blog! Night! Denise

Anonymous said...

My thoughts are with you and with the parents-to-be (is that the PC term?) at this difficult time. Best wishes for a happy ending to this new story.

Anna in IL

Kaitlyn said...

Kristie, I'm so glad you're going to continue your surrogacy story. I am very sorry for the parents' and your loss, it must be heartbreaking for everyone.
I have a question, but if it's too personal, tell me where to shove it!
How do the miscarriages affect you mentally? And the D&C? I have had one of each and I personally was traumatized....does the fact that it is not biologically your child make it any harder or easier to deal with?
I think that surrogacy is such an amazing gift for you and the lucky parents and you are definitely a special person to be able to give yourself so selflessly for others. Keep up the good work! (And the good writing)

Becky said...

Kristy,

I've been reading your journals for a few years now, though I rarely comment. Tonight I have nothing to say except that I think you are an amazing person and you (and the IP's) are in my thoughts and prayers.

You'll get through this.

Becky

Georgie B said...

Oh wow what a curve ball. No wonder you reacted the way you did!!

I didn't get a chance to leave a message after the last post but I am VERY happy you are going to continue with your story.

Hope you are feeling somewhat reasonable. Look after your self and I think you deserve some chocolate!!!

Anonymous said...

You sure have a way about you. If you are as cool in person as you are in print, well, I'm moving to your neighborhood! I'm sorry that you and the baby's parents are going through this tough time - I hope that joy prevails. Thank you for sharing your stories - please don't stop!
Deanna from Delafield

Anonymous said...

Many, many prayers for you and the family! I see the names of your kids on blocks of flannel from their quilts each day, and the picture of Catie and Kendrie still hangs in my sewing room, so know that I truly do see the reminders and pray for you all daily. I'll add this family and your journey with them to my list as well!

Lisa in San Diego

Becky, in N. TX said...

I am so very sorry for all of you!

Becky

Natalie said...

Oh, Kristie. I'm so, so sorry about everything you've been going through! Keeping you and the surrogacy family in our prayers.

Becky, in N. TX said...

I am so very sorry for all of you regarding this loss.

In HIS grip,
Becky

Jamie said...

Kristie, Hugs to both you and the baby's parents for this loss. You're generous to keep telling the story and we all appreciate it. Best of luck fulfilling this couple's dreams.

URBAN BLONDE said...

Kristie,

As someone who has had 8 miscarriages my heart goes out to you and to the expectant parents. In this instance I can actually imagine what you must be going through and it breaks my heart, I literally gasped when I read your words tonight.

Kendrie's site (which I came to through the Bananas when my own son was ill) and now this blog are such a part of my everyday read I can't imagine not having it in my life.

Your writing always takes me on a journey into the familiar and not so familiar ... and that's exactly what I love about it!

Like I said earlier, Write On!

Blondie

Christine in Pa said...

Kristie,

I am a frequent (almost daily) reader and rarely (if even ever) commenter. I have been waiting for you to share your surrogacy story with us. Your story so far has really opened my eyes, when I was in my completely self centered early 20's with a young child of my own my sister asked me to be a surrogate for her and her husband, at the time I thought she was joking and laughed her off it wasn't until years later we had a heart to heart and realized how hurtful and mean my reaction was to her. It takes a very special type of person to carry and nurture another couples child.

To then open yourself up and share that story on the internet only to be insulted and criticized is just plain wrong. You have every right to be insulted and upset and I don't think it is at all indicative of being thin skinned...not at all.

Your words make an impact and your sharing of yourself and your journey have touched my life and I am sure many others as well.

Please don't let the negative naysayers cause you to doubt yourself!

Pam Doughty said...

I am so sorry for the loss of a precious life, Kristie; one that might not be wholly "yours", but for which you were the vessel. Some things don't make sense on this side of eternity, and losing a child is one of them. I'll be praying for the parents of that sweet baby, along with you and your family as you work through grief and loss.
hugs....

Anonymous said...

Oh, Christy...I am so sorry you are going through this...and very sorry for the couple you are working to provide a baby for. I know the pain of losing my own child to miscarriage...I can't help but feel that it is compounded, in a way, by the fact that you are doing this FOR someone else. We'll keep you in our prayers. (don't mind the complainers...geez...and I'm glad you are doing the approval thing for comments. Some people seem to like seeing their hurtful, hateful things in print.)
Patricia
Georgia

Lammy said...

Prayers coming your way. Thanks so much for having the courage to share such a personal part of your life.
I'm usually a lurker here... but I love your writing and human feelings.

Hugs from the west

Anonymous said...

Oh, man, I was so excited to hear you were doing your fourth surrogacy, and then so heartbroken for you that it ended. I'm sorry for all you are going through in trying to give someone the ultimate gift. Honestly, having been through pregnancy 4 times myself (for myself) I have only the utmost respect for you. And for crazy people who think you shouldn't be paid - ask them if they've ever had a 24 hour job for over a year that they don't get paid for?!?

I'll be praying the next time goes smoothly and successfully for all!
Alayna Brooks

RM in MA said...

Kristie,
Sorry that you had to "out" yourself with the news intended to be tied in to the surrogacy story in a "we love a happy ending”, in not such a happy ending. Like I said before, put on your "Teflon Suit". It helps protects from everything from comments as well as life's unforeseen events and disappointments. Hope you are feeling better. Sharing this latest news with all us must have been hard. Thinking of you.

RM in MA said...

Kristie,
Sorry that you had to "out" yourself with the news intended to be tied in to the surrogacy story in a "we love a happy ending”, in not such a happy ending. Like I said before, put on your "Teflon Suit". It helps protects from everything from comments as well as life's unforeseen events and disappointments. Hope you are feeling better. Sharing this latest news with all us must have been hard. Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Kristie, you and the your IPs are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm sorry you are having a difficult time this time. I pray that the next attempt goes perfectly breezy. Surrogates deserve blissful pregnancies.

I can't wait to read the rest of the story. I want to know if your instinct was right on couple number two. You should totally write a book. I would read it again (and not have to wait for the chapters to appear, lol). Hang in there and know that many prayers are with you all.

Sheri in CA

PS ~ Do your IPs now or before know that you blog? Do they keep up with your family? Like M. Just curious. Feel free not to answer, of course.

Anonymous said...

Awwww....I was so glad to see a new blog post and to see the story continue, but then I saw the sad part and now I just feel sad, for you, and for the family. I believe in happy endings and I'm sticking around to see the happy ending to this story because I know there will be one.

God bless and hugs,
Dixie

Alicia in Ca. said...

Sorry you are having such a rough time right now. I have kept up with Kendrie's story for a few years but this is the first time I have ever posted. My friend and I chuckle over how much we love you and love your writing. You can't leave us hanging so hope you continue your story. Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day. Hang in there.

Grandma J said...

My prayers are for all involved on this current journey...including you and your family.
Now let me go find a higher pedestal to plunk you on...because you continue to amaze me.

Diana893 said...

Thinking of you and everyone involved! Good luck with everything and I'm so glad you are continuing your story - you have a true gift with writing. Sending hugs from DFW!

Lisa said...

What an amazing woman you are. Love and prayers for you all.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry for the loss. I'm sure this is a difficult time for you and the family. My best to you all.

Anonymous said...

Kristie,

So very sorry to hear that news.
Makes that age old question come to mind-Why do bad things happen to good people? I hope you are feeling better mentally and physically soon.

Karen

Patty House said...

I'm glad you have decided not to stop telling your story. I totally agree that you need to control the comments. I have that set up on all of my websites, my blog, my website, my guestbook...just makes like a little less stressful.

Prayers for you and the parents.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for what you've been going through. I will keep you and the parents in my prayers. Thank you for deciding to continue with your story. You are a special person and have touched my heart.

Lisa C.

Anonymous said...

Wow. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I'm sorry for your loss and for IP's loss. IP is the correct term, yes? I'm trying to learn your lingo. Thank you for educating us and for broadening our minds in areas we have not experienced. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for being "real".

Question.....do you really want people to comment every time they read your blog? Because I mean, really, this is going to get kind of embarrassing when I have to admit that I plan to stalk your blog and am completely hooked and check frequenly for updates now that I can get back into my computer. I'll be happy to leave comments more often. After seeing yesterday's post I guess there are a LOT of us hiding behind the bushes, so hey, let's let Kristie know we're here ALL THE TIME.

Once again....and I've said this before ..... THANK YOU for being real. Thank you for sharing.

Claire in Indiana

cakeburnette said...

Oh Kristie...you and the parents are in my prayers. My God bless all of you.

Anonymous said...

You can count on me for prayers...for your family and for the baby's.

The emotions I feel while reading pale compared to what both of your families must feel.

Peace...

Bridget

Darcie said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you and the family in my prayers.

Hang in there,
Darcie in GA

Anonymous said...

Kristie,
I am truly sorry for the loss. Wow! That is indeed scary, hurtful, and tragic. I will definitely lift up the couple for whom you are trying to help. Also, thank you for continuing your story. I have been reading for quite a long time now. Madie Ice and I are friends and she linked me to your site years ago. I feel blessed to be a small part of the lives of others thru this blogging journey. I am a pediatric nurse, love what I do, and I value the insight on the medical aspect (be it surrogacy, cancer treatment, etc)and I have been enlightend so many times. Hopefully soon I will be able to give back at Scottish Rite or Egleston (I plan on volunteering, not nursing). Keep up the good story and give yourself a hug from me!
Wendy in Winder, GA

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to hear about the miscarriage. I know too well the pain that you and the baby's parents must be feeling now. I am praying that this is a bump in the road that will eventually lead to a healthy, happy baby! The baby's parents are so very lucky to have found someone as selfless as you to deliver their miracle.
Meg
Milford, CT

Donna said...

Wow, what a harsh week this must have been. I was lucky enough to have two uneventful pregnancies (all I wanted) and no miscarriages, so while I can empathize with the feelings, I certainly cannot put myself in your shoes. Despite the complications, I hope those intended parents know what a good hearted woman is trying to help them. Know that the vast majority of your readers wish you nothing but the best in your family and surrogacy journeys.

Missy in FL said...

Hugs to you and the baby's parents. I will pray for you all. And thank you for deciding to return to your story. Take care, be well. And HURRY UP and tell us more!

Trisha in Leesburg, VA said...

Oh Kristie! How sad for you and for the IPs! I will pray for all of you!

Anonymous said...

Oh Krisite, I can't believe it happened again. I'm so sorry for you and the IPs. I read your blog daily. I hardly ever comment because I'm lazy. I will make more of an effort, just to offset the trolls. Hang in there and hopefully the third time will be the charm.

Kate in IL (also a surrogate)

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to hear of the loss for the family and for you. I will keep you all in my prayers. I am so glad you are continuing with your story. I experienced 2nd time infertility -- so it is therapy for me to hear your story!

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to hear of the loss for the family and for you. I will keep you all in my prayers. I am so glad you are continuing with your story. I experienced 2nd time infertility -- so it is therapy for me to hear your story!

Mamasita said...

Oh Kristie, I am so sorry for the grief you and the IP's must be feeling. I will do my part to cover you both in prayer.

You are an amazing person.

Pam

AmyG said...

Kristie - I've also been a huge fan since Kendrie's caringbridge site. You and I exchanged emails once a long time ago, but I haven't commented on your new blog. Today is the perfect day. I am so sorry for your loss and that of the couple you are trying to help. And I commend you for moderating the comments. It's the right thing to do and it's your right to do it. You are such a talented writer, and your stories about your family and your experiences are worth telling. I'm grateful to be a loyal reader.

Marisa said...

I am sending prayers up for you and the IP's family. Never would have thought you were going through all that. I wish I had just half the guts that you do, to share so much of your life with us and half your strength to be the woman that you are. Many thoughts and prayers for all involved in the new journey.

Vanessa said...

I'm one of those who lurks, but seldom comments. Not that I don't have things I'd love to say, I'm just not real confident in my ability to say them!!

I'm so sorry for the loss that you and your expectent couple have suffered. My prayers go out to all of you!

And, despite the nasties in our world who feel the need to spread their spite around, I think your blog is fantastic and your story is one that should be told. So glad you've decided to press on!

Now you know why I don't comment often...don't know when to quit!! (Hehe!)

I'll be reading though!!
Vanessa

Anonymous said...

Kristie,

Thank you for sharing your story. I often read your blog but do not comment because I don't always know what to say. However, I enjoy reading your updates and I pray that everything will go well with your fourth joureny. You are an inspiration to so many.

Alison, Savannah

Stephanie D. said...

Oh CRAP - I am so sorry for the m/c and SO sorry for both you and the parents. When you want a baby in your arms, you want it NOW and you are SO kind to be the conduit for these parents! I am in awe of your strength, sense of humor and compassion! Kristie - you ROCK (hormones or not). LOL! I will say lots of prayers that the next attempt is HUGELY successful! XOXOXO to our OK gal!!

The Running Girl said...

Good for you in continuing your journey to be a surrogate. I'm so sorry that you lost the baby this time. I'll keep you and the baby's parents in my prayers for a successful ending, whenever that may be.
Briana

Anonymous said...

Prayers for you and the family. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing with us. Take care of yourself.

Hazel in Texas

Elonda said...

Thank you for continuing. Your story is amazing. Stay Strong!

Elonda

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for the loss. My prayers will certainly be with the family and for you.

Thank you for continuing the story. It's truly fascinating.

Enya

Ash said...

I am thinking of you and them today. So sorry you are having to go through all of this. That certainly gives you every right to express whatever you feel. Sending prayers your way from Lilburn, GA!

Lorie Markowitz said...

Kristie,

You are amazing! To be able to go through what you were, post the things you were posting about an earlier surrogacy and then have negative comments - no wonder you felt the way you did. I love your writing, your sense of humor and the honesty you bring to your posts. It is refreshing - and comforting - to know that there are such loving, caring and selfless people in this world.

I will keep the family in my prayers, and yours as well. I hope you feel better soon, and that Blaine continues to be well, along with the kids. My son Justin (we met at the Lighthouse) will be off treatment for 5 years this coming September, God willing!

I am glad you are going to continue the tale - it is fascinating! Thank you for sharing with all of us.

Anonymous said...

Oh Kristie. I am so sorry for your loss and the parent's loss. You are such a giving person. Thank you for deciding to give us lurkers more of you, er, I mean your story!

Diane in Cincinnati

Anonymous said...

Just catching up after a few days. I am glad you have received so many positive comments. You deserve it! We should probably tell you more often what an impact you have on our lives. ( Ice cream cake.... my kids won't accept regular birthday cake anymore and now I even bring it to every family holiday gathering, girl power CD, bone marrow drive, PostSecret) And so many other fabulous ideas you have given me! I really wish I could live closer to you so I could stalk you! I am very sorry to hear about your loss, both for you and your family you are helping. Hang in there! Love, Melissa in Mn

Anonymous said...

Wow.. so sorry to hear what you've been going through. I can't imagine how emotionally and physically painful this is for you and for the parents... I'll pray that things work out next time, this is a wonderful thing you are doing.

And I vow to try to comment more.. and as for why people read and don't comment.. I can only speak for me. I'm lazy.. I feel if I comment, I should read the other comments to make sure I'm not repeating what a hundred other people said.. I don't usually have time to read .. so I don't comment. Today, commenting, not reading, hope I don't repeat all 57 posts above me!!

You are on the top of my favorites list, and one of the few blogs I wrote in a notebook with a PEN so that if my computer crashes, or this info doesn't make the change to the new computer we're getting this weekend, I'll always be able to find you. So don't stop writing.

We love you, Kristie (in a totally good way)..

Mary Burns in Albany NY

Anonymous said...

Sending prayers for you and the family.

Cindy
Virginia

Anonymous said...

sending out love and prayers to all of you

Anonymous said...

Kristie,
I, like many, have followed your story for a long time - but don't comment. I am not great with words and I have just never known what to say. Now, though, I feel like I owe it to you to tell you that I have thought about your family and kept you in my prayers for years. I have laughed and cried with you, and shared your ups and downs. You are a remarkable woman and I feel truly blessed that you have opened your life to strangers through this blog. You are reaching out to so many and opening so many eyes to things they don't know about (surrogacy, military, etc.)Anyway, this is why I don't comment, because I don't know when to shut up...I guess what I really wanted to say is simply, thank you. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers today, and always.
Very Sincerely,
Lee

Amy said...

I'm so sorry that you and they are having to go through this right now.

amy

Chels said...

Kristie,
I have been reading your amazing words since I started reading Kendrie's caringbridge site. Your poignant writing of Kendrie's cancer treatment inspired me to become a weekly volunteer at the Ronald McDonald House in NYC, which is devoted entirely to pediatric oncology.

My prayers and thoughts are with you, and the impending parents, during this difficult time. Keep the faith.

Chelsey in NYC

lizinsumner said...

Well gosh, I for one am totally flabbergassed (did I spell that correctly??!!); never in a million years did I ever even ONCE consider that you were going through all of this....I guess I'm guilty of thinking only of my own "entertainment" and not enough about you - and, I just want to say that I'm SO SORRY, for all of it! So sorry for the loss of the baby, so sorry for all the physical and mental and emotional pain, so sorry for the parents, and so sorry for the comments - well, just all of it, period. I'm also concerned for your health and safety, as well. I know how big hearted you are and how much you want to help this couple, and I think that's wonderful. But, please don't lose sight of yourself and your health in all of this, and please be careful. In the meantime, I'll be praying for all of you - including the baby's parents. Take care....

leeanne said...

Oh Kristie, I'm so sorry for the sad news. I'll pray for all of you.
And thanks for continuing the story!!

lizinsumner said...

Like everyone else, I had no idea...and I'm so, so sorry about it all - for you and Blaine and the kids, for the IPs...it's just so sad and unfortunate. Praying for all of you. And PLEASE, please be careful and take care of yourself through all of this....

lizinsumner said...

sorry for double post - not used to the delay yet in seeing my posts.....

sarahbobeara said...

i'm so sorry about your miscarriage. hopes and prayers for all involved :(

ProBagLady said...

I love your honesty - and to be 'honest' doesn't mean you have to give all the down and dirty... feel free to write what you feel and how you feel. But just because we are a very voyeuristic society - doesn't mean you have to stand in an open window - feel free to draw the shades as you feel comfortable!

Always with Love,
Sherrill

Beverly said...

Kristie, I am so sorry to learn what you and the family have been going through.

I followed you from Kendrie's Caring Bridge site to this blog, and although I rarely comment, I thoroughly enjoy your sharing. And, you and your family have been in my prayers for many years.

Tammy said...

Prayers for you and the baby's family. Hugs from Fort Worth

Sherri said...

Hi Kristie,

I'm so sorry to hear about this miscarriage, but I do admire the lengths you are going to try and help another couple. As so many others have already said, it takes a special kind of person to be willing to do that. Your experiences with infertility of your own have no doubt given you understanding for these people that others might not share. Good luck, and I'll be waiting to hear the rest of the story.

And the reason I read and don't always comment is I never feel like I have anything remotely interesting to say, compared to you and the other commentors on here. I'm sorry and I'll try and comment more often.

Sherri in NC

Alice said...

Prayers from Atlanta

Abby said...

Wow!! You are one strong person. You don't know how much you help me out when reading your stories. I am having fertility problems myself for the past 18 months. I recently did my first IUI and found out that it didn't work last week. It was tough and I think I cried every last tear in my body. Your story on your struggle made me see that it still can happen. And if not, I can adopt or have a surrogate. I am learning so much more through you. It is a difficult time for me now, but I know I can get through it just as you have. Thank you for being such a strong person. You have helped me in your writings more ways than you can believe!

Anonymous said...

I am sad for you. Your family is in my prayers.

I do not comment much but I enjoy reading your story. Your family sounds like such nice people and you have such a talent for writing.

Steph

Jennifer said...

I will be lifting that family up and praying for you. I am glad to hear that you are continueing the story. I have also thought about surrogacy and hope to do it after we are able to have our second child. I think it is awesome and to give someone the gift of carrying there child would be awesome. I think what an honor it is to be able to give someone the help in having a child. I know how much joy my son brings me and I would love to be able to help bring that joy to someone else. Have a great day!

Rachel said...

*tears* you do not deserve this.
yesterday after all the drama i thought to myself... REE-diculous!! because frankly everybody was misunderstanding everybody else and instead of accumulating knowledge, being acceptancing & understanding different perceptions everybody started taking offense. i have a thin skin o yes i do, but regarding your blog i am in the process of learning about lots of things but most importantly about the limitless determination of a fellow human. After today's post, bigger things were happening to you. I apologize for thinking about giving up on your blog, as it turns out i have a lot more learning to do, you are truly unique. you are an inspiration.

ehug

Monica H said...

I know how badly that hurts and I'm sending thoughts and prayers to the parents. I hope their day comes soon.

Eloise said...

I am heartbroken to hear of this loss and extend my deepest sympathy to you and the baby's family. I will be praying that the third time will be the charm and that you'll be sharing happy news with us soon. Sending love and hugs your way.

Sandy P said...

Adding them to the prayer list!

Dianne said...

Hi Kristie:

I guess after 3+ years of daily following your CaringBridge site and now your blog, it's time to comment. The line in your post about not understanding why people read if they aren't going to comment hit home with me. I truly enjoy reading whatever you write about. You are an excellent writer (kind of like "I'm an excellent driver" :))I think you have the gift of being able to laugh at yourself and draw people to you. You share so much of yourself and I admire that. I guess I have been reading all this time feeling that any comment I made wouldn't be too important. What's another comment from a nameless, faceless, lurking blog reader? So to remedy, that...Hi Kristie, my name is Dianne :)

Anonymous said...

Kristie - Again you have just opened my eyes to something that lots of people don't even really think about. I've never really thought about a surrogate having a miscarriage. Me and my rose colored glasses just believe that you get pregnant and life becomes one big happy place. This is what makes surrogates that much more amazing. I have suffered a miscarriage and the pain of that loss was incredible, I couldn't imagine willingly setting myself up for that chance yet you unselfishly do for other people to bring joy into their lives.

As grandma j said, the pedestal that we have you on needs to be higher. My thoughts, prayers and hugs to everybody.

Mel - Canada

Jeanette in GA said...

If anyone else leaves a smarmy comment, I'll open a can of internet-blog-whoopass on 'em.

Love you.

BTW-Keep the 'thin skin'. You are wonderful the way you are!

Melissa in CA said...

What a shock...I'm not sure what to say. Yesterday I was so upset that someone's rude comment would prevent you from continuing your story & now...now I see that you were going through a lot more than just reading someone's comment. I am so sorry, Kristie. My thoughts & prayers are with you and the IPs.

Jeanette in ga said...

Love ya, girl.

loriedunn said...

Gosh Kristie - I'm so sorry about your's and the parent's loss. When I said I was looking forward to being supportive of the next surrogate I met, I didnt think it would be so soon. Your dedication and compassion to do this for other people is truly amazing and admirable. Love and prayers for all of you!

Cindi said...

First of all, please know that I'm keeping all of you in my prayers... you, the Intended Parents, your husband, and your children. Yes, the baby is carried by you, but the pregnancy has an effect on your family too. I realize that they are also part of this process.

Secondly, I want to thank you for continuing to share this journey with your readers. It can't always be easy to put yourself "out there" and be vulnerable to what others think. You are no more thin-skinned than most of the rest of us, and I realize and appreciate how difficult it can be to share your story.

And thirdly, without turning this into an "all about me" comment, I had several miscarriages before giving birth to each of my sons, so I have a little experience in the emotional side of what it entails. HOWEVER, I just can't imagine what you must be dealing with from a surrogate's perspective.

Again, I have so much admiration and respect for you.

Keeping all of you in my prayers,
Cindi

Anonymous said...

Have never left a comment but have been following since Kendrie's caringbridge page. Your posts are just great and I check in daily to see if you have a new post. Will be keeping you and the IPs in my prayers.

K in Atlanta

Heather said...

Kristie,
So sorry for your loss. My husband and I had a miscarriage before we had our son... it is heartbreaking. I admire you for being a surrogate for a fourth time... what a gift! I, too, come here everyday to read what you have to say cause you totally have the same kind of humor as me! Don't let the cranky people of the world get to you (said by someone that *does* let them get to her). You be you... and then let us read about it!

Love and prayers,
Heather

Elena said...

Wow! Rough week isn't even the word! Both families are in our thoughts and prayers...hope you get to feeling better soon!

Wendyk said...

I look forward to reading the rest of the story. I have no idea what happened nor do I care too, but from what I have gleaned there are those who somehow think that your life is a television show, so please disregard whatever was said. You obviously have more care and compassion for people than many of us can ever muster, myself included.

We will be praying for you and the couple awaiting a baby as you travel this road together. Miscarriages are hard, and to have so many recently must be very difficult for everyone involved. Hugs and prayers for success next time.

Cathy in MI said...

So sorry to hear about your miscarriage - sorry for the baby's parents too. Kristie, you are such a wonderful, loving and giving person - don't stop being you. Those of us who read regularly accept you for who you are.

Cathy said...

Kristie, first of all, congratulations on your decision to do such a beautiful thing for a couple - giving them the gift of a child has got to be the most selfless, wonderful gift EVER.

I will keep you and the baby's family in my thoughts and prayers. Know that there are a lot of complete strangers pulling for you, and very proud of you!

Cathy
San Diego

Denise Tidwell said...

I'm so sorry Kristie!! And a formal thank you is also in order for the donation you made for St. Bladricks. I'll have to send you a picture soon. Maybe the sight of my bald head will bring a smile to you.

Anonymous said...

Dear Kristie,
Bruce and I hold you in our thoughts and have hope for the future.
Sandy G.

Cate said...

I'm so sorry for your loss and for the surrogate family's loss too. I'm sure they went from the highest joy crashing down to absolute sorrow. You're both in my prayers.

charing said...

You are a very special person.
Thank you for continuing the story.

CAT said...

Hey Kristie,

I must apologize to you for never posting. I faithfully read everything you write, and have done so since you starting writing on Kendrie's page, in fact if I am away from my computer for a few days, checking your posts is the first thing I do when I return. I guess the reason that I never comment is because I am a quiet, sort of keep to myself kind of person, and like some of the other people have posted earlier I just didn't think that anything I would write would matter. But I must tell you, you make my day! You are the best mom, wife, friend and overall person I "know". I wish I could be even half the woman you are. I am a mom to two beautiful girls, 16 and 18, they amaze me and I am so proud to be their mom, but when I read the things that you do with and for your kids and family I wish I "knew" you when my girls were younger, it would have made me a more interesting parent forsure! Anyways thank you for everything you do, I will comment from now on, I promise, even if it is something little, at least you will know I care.

I am SO SORRY for everything that you have gone through lately, I actually wondered if perhaps there was something more going on with you because you usually don't react to negative comments so emotionally. I just never imagined it was this! There is only so much one person can take all at once!

You have alot of people who care for you, I hope you start feeling better soon.....

CAT

Anonymous said...

Kristie,
You by far one of the most selfless people I have had thew honor to "know". That you are willing to be there and to help people who can't have a child on their own strikes such a chord in my heart and soul. You are entitled to any outburst you feel like having as far as I am concerned! My thoughts and prayers are with you and the family of the littlest angel. I have no doubt you will do everything in your power to give them the gift of a new life to cherish. Simply put...YOU ROCK GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Hugs,
Joy

Beth said...

Wow!!! You never cease to amaze with your honesty! I am one of the lurkers (comment once in awhile), but laugh my head off daily - it is nice to know there are others out there with the zany, crazy life that I know! :) You will all be in our prayers, your family as well as the family you are trying to help. Keep your chin up! Beth

Anonymous said...

Dear Kristie,
I'm so sorry to hear about the mis-carriage, how sad, I'm very sad for the parents of the baby. I pray that the next attempt will be successful.
I'm glad you are going to carry on with your wonderful, compassionate story, it is so good to read of such unselfish people as you and your husband obviously are, I hate the thought of people criticising you.
Take care of yourself,
Love Angela

Anonymous said...

Kristie,

Know both the parents and you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for the pain all of you must be dealing with. Thank you for continuing the story.

Postcard Cindy

Katie said...

As comment number 101, I think I can safely say that everyone involved in the current surrogacy has our prayers.

Best of luck and please don't let a negative comment slow you down. The vast vast majority of us love you to pieces, so just try and hear all the good over the little sections of bad.

katy said...

I have been following your story since way way back in the caringbridge days. I have admired your family for the way you put Kendries story out there. You never know who will read it and take something away from it they need. This story is the same thing. It is interesting to all, but someone out there may read it and use it to help them in some way.
Praying for the other family...

Dagny said...

Kristie,
Put me on the list of people who read everyday, but never comment. I don't know why I don't... maybe because we are complete strangers and it feels really strange?
I'm sorry your week has been crummy. My thoughts are with the family you are working with at this time. I know it is hard for all of you.
I hope you continue your story. I know it will have a happy ending.
If you ever stop by my blog, say hi!
:) Dagny

Anonymous said...

Oh my God, Kristie, I'm so sad to hear of the miscarriage. How heartbreaking for everyone....for you, for the biological parents (don't know if that's the right term but you know what I mean). I know it must have been difficult all the way around and then to miscarry...how difficult it must be.

Many hugs to you and special warm thoughts for the bioparents....my heart just cries for them.

Marie
www.caringbridge.org/visit/marielle

Anonymous said...

I am completely in awe of you. I think you have to be the most generous and incredible person in the whole world.
Jean

Tammy said...

So sorry you have to share this news. We will be praying for you and the family. And for what it is worth, I am wayyyy more thin skinned when i get really hungry. So you have done well:)Tammy in Oh

Anonymous said...

After reading the latest blog entry, I was dumbfounded. I personally dont know how you do it. It seems that you have been through and are going through so much. What an inspiration you are, and here I thought I was having a bad day... you made me realize that my bad days are great days!!! My children are healthy, my husband is healthy, life is good. Thank you Kristie for putting life into perspective for me. You, your family, and the other couple are in my prayers.
Wonda in NY

Chris in NH said...

Oh Christie,
You are such an amazing woman to give so much of yourself! I'm sos sorry for the loss you have suffered. You and the baby's parents will certainly be included in my prayers tonight.

As for readers who don't comment, that's ususally me... I read because I enjoy your stories. Perhaps I should comment more but know I'm here and hope you will continue sharing your stories for quite some time.
Chris in NH

J said...

(((HUGS)))

Anonymous said...

Hey Kristie, sorry this is such a crummy week, and to make it worse, bad comments on your blog! Praying for you and the family.
Put me on the list too of those who read every day, and check DAILY to see if you've updated 'cause I hate to miss a day! But I don't always comment. I love every post though! Can't wait for your next entry after you've recovered.

Lucia said...

Thin skin? I don't think so. Sorry for never commenting but I thought I'd be too young :) I'm 18 but an A.L.L. survivor (see the blog), found you on caringbridge a couple of years ago and never stopped reading. You're such a talented writer! Sorry to hear about your miscarriage and I really hope things pick up for you soon. Hugs from england xxx

Anonymous said...

Wow! I read this a couple of days ago and tried to leave a comment, but I was at a loss of words. I sure didn't see that coming. You are full of surprises! You have really had some highs and lows lately, so no wonder the outburst at the comments. I knew this didn't sound like the "real" Kristie. But it makes perfect sense now.

You are really making the rest of us look bad, you know?? You are such a self-sacrificing person to be doing this for a fourth time. I am so sorry it isn't going smoothly this time. I hope that you don't have to go through this heartache again, and that next time the result will be a healthy baby for this couple.

Shanda

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you!

Check the site daily and love to read your posts!

Lenaya

Shannon said...

I'm sorry for your loss and theirs. I wish you the best of luck in the future.

Andee said...

I'm so sorry about the loss - that is just awful! As someone who is very interested in surrogacy, I appreciate you sharing your story, both the good and the bad. And I will keep you and the parents in my prayers.

Marcia said...

Kristie, I haven't been on the computer much in the past few weeks, and have totally missed most of your surrogacy story. When I read tonight, my heart broke for you...and the baby's other parents. I am so sorry that you're going through this. You will all be in my prayers.
I will be doing lots of reading over this week, to catch up on everything.
Sending gentle hugs,
Marcia in Ontario