Thanks, once again, to all of you and your notes of support. I’m not sure you realize how very helpful they are, but it meant a great deal to me these past few days to read them.
I am feeling fine physically, and definitely happy to be off the Hormone Roller Coaster from Hell. Blaine said I was maybe just a wee bit touchy last week --- I said he was a jackass who needs to keep his @#$)#(* opinions to himself.
Mentally, I am ok. I can’t speak for all surrogates who miscarry, but what *I* feel, or at least what I think I feel, is more sadness and loss than grief. I can’t compare this to a miscarriage of my own because I was lucky enough to never have one. I had infertility … I had issues with getting pregnant … but I was lucky, and never lost a pregnancy of my own. So while I can’t be sure what I’m feeling is different, I have to think it is. Mainly, I feel sad for my Intended Parents, because although the loss is mine physically, the loss is theirs personally.
I do, however, also have questions of guilt and responsibility, and wondering if something I did or didn’t do caused this. I took my pre-natal vitamins, I ate healthy, I gave up diet sodas and caffeine, I never drank coffee to begin with so no big loss there, I didn’t do anything physically strenuous, I purposely didn’t stand in front of the microwave, I didn’t carry anything heavy, I never missed a shot, or a pill, or a suppository (ugh, I know, tmi) …. So, why did this happen? Especially, why did this happen twice? There are tests being done, and yet we’ll possibly never know.
Thanks, also, for including my couple in your thoughts. Again, for privacy sake, I won’t be saying a whole lot about them, and would never presume to put their thoughts or feelings on this blog. Someone asked if any of my Intended Parents have ever read my blog --- the answer is no. In fact, the first two go-rounds, I didn't even have a blog. However, one set of grandparents does read (Hi, you know who you are!) and I would never do anything to compromise any of my Intended Family’s privacy. I know all of you understand that, and I appreciate your respect for their privacy, at the same time you are keeping them in your thoughts.
So in the meantime, we heal physically and emotionally and take some time before deciding on the next step.
Thanks for hanging with me in the meantime.