Friday, March 28, 2008

Thanks

Thanks, once again, to all of you and your notes of support. I’m not sure you realize how very helpful they are, but it meant a great deal to me these past few days to read them.

I am feeling fine physically, and definitely happy to be off the Hormone Roller Coaster from Hell. Blaine said I was maybe just a wee bit touchy last week --- I said he was a jackass who needs to keep his @#$)#(* opinions to himself.

Mentally, I am ok. I can’t speak for all surrogates who miscarry, but what *I* feel, or at least what I think I feel, is more sadness and loss than grief. I can’t compare this to a miscarriage of my own because I was lucky enough to never have one. I had infertility … I had issues with getting pregnant … but I was lucky, and never lost a pregnancy of my own. So while I can’t be sure what I’m feeling is different, I have to think it is. Mainly, I feel sad for my Intended Parents, because although the loss is mine physically, the loss is theirs personally.

I do, however, also have questions of guilt and responsibility, and wondering if something I did or didn’t do caused this. I took my pre-natal vitamins, I ate healthy, I gave up diet sodas and caffeine, I never drank coffee to begin with so no big loss there, I didn’t do anything physically strenuous, I purposely didn’t stand in front of the microwave, I didn’t carry anything heavy, I never missed a shot, or a pill, or a suppository (ugh, I know, tmi) …. So, why did this happen? Especially, why did this happen twice? There are tests being done, and yet we’ll possibly never know.

Thanks, also, for including my couple in your thoughts. Again, for privacy sake, I won’t be saying a whole lot about them, and would never presume to put their thoughts or feelings on this blog. Someone asked if any of my Intended Parents have ever read my blog --- the answer is no. In fact, the first two go-rounds, I didn't even have a blog. However, one set of grandparents does read (Hi, you know who you are!) and I would never do anything to compromise any of my Intended Family’s privacy. I know all of you understand that, and I appreciate your respect for their privacy, at the same time you are keeping them in your thoughts.

So in the meantime, we heal physically and emotionally and take some time before deciding on the next step.

Thanks for hanging with me in the meantime.

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hang in there! What you do is such a tremendous gift. Hope all is well - the pool opens soon!

Stacey, Jerry and Alex

Anonymous said...

Hang in there! What you are giving the intended parents is such a beautiful gift (as you and I both know)! Hope all is well with everyone - the pool opens soon!

Stacey, Jerry and Alex

Anonymous said...

Long time follower here (even BEFORE the Caringbridge days)coming out of my lurking ways...
I am really sorry for what happened and am glad that you are doing "ok."

Have you ever noticed how "Not Quite What I Had Planned" really sums up your life? The perfectness of your title just struck me recently when I thought about what I know of your life for the past 5 years.

I do hope that things get figured out to everyone's satisfaction so you may continue making the plans you want to make.

Danielle in TX

Beth said...

Kristie --

You have the amazing ability to write as though you're sitting in the family room with all of us. My husband asked why I was teary last night and I wailed, "Oh Kristie had a miscarriage!" And he's all like, "Um, do I know a Kristie?" :)

Thank you for sharing yourself with us. We're all the better for it.

Prayers for you and your IPs. Hang in with the hormones

Pam Doughty said...

You know, Kristie, sometimes I visualize our prayers and thoughts as being like a raindrop; each one is small and seemingly insignificant by itself. But if you've ever watched a container during a heavy rainstorm, it can fill up pretty fast. And that's how I'm imagining you, filled to the overflowing with so many prayers and good wishes. I truly hope that you are filled to the top and spilling over with all the love and support that is coming your way! Thanks for your honesty, humor, and heart that shines through in all your posts.
{{{hugs}}}

Deb said...

Best of luck in your next step of the journey!

Anonymous said...

Hi Kristie:

From someone who has experienced a miscarriage, we all ask those questions, "Did I do something wrong, or should I have done something different?" The answer is absolutely no. It doesn't make you feel any better but really, this is one that is in God's hands.

Again, my thoughts are with everybody involved.

Mel-Canada

Anonymous said...

Kristie,

I think I have commented only a few times since I have been reading your blog. I have followed your story it seems like for years now. I check your blog every day. But, I never comment because I think since you don't know me, why would you want to hear what I have to say. Maybe I will start commenting more...if it really does mean that much to you!

I wanted to say that you and everyone involved are in my thoughts and prayers.

Kelley
Arlington, TX

Anonymous said...

Please know I mean this with all sincerity---from following you from Kendrie's page, I know how much you enjoy your DDPs. In my mind, it is selfLESS to give up your special treat. I know it would be hard for me to give up my half sweet, half unsweet tea. I feel like a day isn't quite a day unless I have one. Of course you are happy to give them up while you are pregnant, but I imagine there are some days that aren't easy to do so.
Clara Zimmerman

Sherri said...

Kristie,

I'm sure there was nothing you did that caused this to happen. In fact, it sounds as though you have done everything right! I hope the testing that they are doing will indicate where the problem was, for your sake and the sake of the intended parents as well. I think anyone who has a miscarriage forever wonders "why?" and sometimes there just are no answers.
I continue to keep you and the intended parents in my thoughts.

Sherri in NC

Eloise said...

Cracking up at your comment to Blaine!

Hope you have a chance to pamper yourself in the next week or two. You deserve it!

CAT said...

Hey Kristie,

I can't even imagine all of the emotional ups and downs and thoughts going through your head when something like this happens.

The devastaion the Intended Parents are going through is probably unbearable, I would imagine they have gone through hell and back to even get to this point, so experiencing the excitment of knowing that you are pregnant and the heartbreak of knowing the baby has been lost not only once but twice must be just heart wrenching for both of them.

I hope it all works out for them and you in the end. Every day probably feels like an eternity to them.

They are so fortunate to have YOU has their surrogate mom!!!

Cathy

Bec said...

Hey Krisite,
Just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking of you and you are in my prayers. You were SOOO supportive to me when I miscarried right after we came back from our cabin trip. And everything you're saying seems a lot like I felt - mostly wondering if I did something (or didn't do something??) that caused it. But it really does just "happen" sometimes. I will continue to remember the parents in my prayers as well. I hope that eventually this surrogacy journey will have a happy ending for all of you.
Miss you!
Becky

Some People Call Me Mom said...

I've been visiting your blog for quite a while. I just wanted tell you, along with all the others who have said it before me, I am amazed by what you have done and are doing. Thank you for sharing most of it with a the whole wide world (or the internets same difference).

I too have had the same what could I, would I, should I have done differently after experiencing a miscarriage. I just have to believe that there was a reason and only God knows why.

I pray that you continue to feel better and comfort for the prospective parents.

heartshapedhedges said...

I have had miscarriages too, and wondered what I did wrong...but just like our kids having cancer, we cant blame ourselves for something out of our hands.

Even though my first pregnancies went fine, they determined my miscarriages were from some clotting disorder, which I guess is not uncommon.

Once I found this out, I got pregnant again, and took heparin shots 2x a day, and now I have another great kid.

I hope your issue is as easy to "fix" and will keep you, your family, and the intended parents in my prayers.

Kim

Anonymous said...

Dear Kristie....

I have read for years and rarely leave a comment~if ever~because
you are the entertaining one!

I am sorry you have had a miscarriage and had grief on this comment space. You blog your life and there is nothing there to apologize for. If someone doesn't like it, they can leave...free world and all that.... You and your family are fab...always have been, always will be!

And this is coming from lefty that admires and thanks every member of the military and their families, very much....

Health and love to you...

Lynette

Monica H said...

"why did this happen?" It's a question that may never be answered, yet we ask all the time.

Do not blame yourself. There is nothing you could have done to prevent what happened. I'm just sorry that it did.

Anonymous said...

Oh Kristie, you are a amazing person. I know the emotions you are feeling are real. I miscarried one time, but mine was a obligted ovum. You did nothing wrong and I am sure the "family" knows that. Hang in there.
Your MN friend
Karen

Anonymous said...

Kristie,
If you can, take some time for yourself. This has been a very emotional event and it would be great if you could get some "down time". I say this knowing that the reality of having a busy and young family that it is unlikely. My thoughts and regrets as well to the Intended Parents. Your are very generous to share this story with us.

Harriett said...

Kristie,

I am glad to hear you are doing okay. Please know prayers from WR GA are being lifted up for you and the IPs.

Harriett

Anonymous said...

I think we all question ourselves when something happens, whether it be a miscarriage or an illness or a birth defect. It's hard to see God's reasoning behind things, but as beleivers we are encouraged by scripture that tells us that all things work together for good for those who love Him. I admit that I have not yet completely wrapped my brain around some things that happen, but then I have to realize, too, that I don't know the Big Picture. But for now I pray that your heart is calm, knowing that you did your absolute best, and I pray for the parents whose dreams are not yet what they had hoped. You are an angel for having such an open heart, and I commend Blaine and your family for being so supportive.

I want to thank you for sharing Kendrie's story through CaringBridge. I think I came to that site about three years ago. Because of the stories that you shared, and because of the hope that you have shown the world, you have been an encouragement and a light of hope for many people. A young girl in our community was diagnosed with A.L.L. just a few weeks ago, and your story was what immediately came to my mind. Thank you for sharing your story, so that it could be an encouragement to others.

Claire in Indiana

Anonymous said...

Hi Kristie, Another faithful lurker here. I don't sign in as I should but have to today to let you know how sorry I am to hear of your miscarriage. You have been through so much, I will keep all of you & the IP in my prayers. Thank you for sharing your story, I feel like I know you even though we have never met. I look forward to reading your blog every day. As someone who experienced infertility & miscarraiges, I admire & respect you so much for what you are doing to help someone else be a family. What a generous gift. Prayers for all of you as you continue in this journey.

Susan
Peachtree City, GA

Anonymous said...

Now we know for the future...when you stop mentioning DDP, we might be hearing mention of a different "sweet" soon. :)

Anna in IL

Regina Ice said...

Kristie,
I have miscarried once, so I do understand what you are going through with the hormones and such. Even though the baby was not conceived from your genetic material, he/she was still 'your baby'. You need to give yourself time to grieve. Be kind to yourself, because it's okay to love that tiny someone that you carried so close.
You are so wonderful to go through this for another couple. You have a huge heart!
We love you!!!
Bunches of hugs!!!

lizinsumner said...

I only have one comment - through all of this, please don't lose sight of "you", and please do everything you need to do to take care of yourself.....your family needs you and your loyal readers need you....(right about now, you should be feeling pretty darned NEEDED, huh??!!).

I've never had a miscarriage, but my sister had many of them between her 2 boys. She finally found a doctor who diagnosed some hormone issues, and she had to take some hormone shots during her last 2 pregnancies. Those children are now grown, and the youngest has children of her own. My point being - I'm sure it's nothing that you "did" or "didn't" do, and I'm sure they'll figure it out. In the meantime, just take care of YOU!

Anonymous said...

Hey Kristie. Hope you are getting some rest and some much needed DDP! Sorry I keep missing you. Know that I am thinking of you and we will catch up soon.
xo Kim
p.s. I keep looking for the B-day pics. How can it be that they are 10? That means we have been friends for a decade (in 5 months any way...and more importantly we are getting pretty dam* old! :) )

Anonymous said...

Glad you are feeling better. Those damn Hormones sure know how to take a toll on us both mentally and physically. Just wait until menopause!!! They really PLAY with ya!! ARGGGG... Anyway, was just thinking about you. Thanks you again for sharing your feelings with us.

Marly said...

Kristie, I've only been reading for a few months, and I'm sorry I haven't commented before now. You really deserve to know how very much I've enjoyed reading your story. You've made me laugh, and cry, and experience a range of emotions in between. For that, I thank you.

My heart goes out to you, and the parents to which you are so selflessly giving a part of your being. May God help you all find some peace in your journey.

Anonymous said...

Oh Kristie,
I am so sorry for your loss as well as the loss for the family you are trying to help. You are a compassionate, loving human being and we would all do well to be so giving. God bless you and I will pray for you and the baby's family.

Stephanie in Portland

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry about the miscarriage (sp? to tired to think). I know it is so hard. I had two miscarriages, they both were so hard to deal with. I am sure the parents are going through that right now. And I suspect you blame yourself, please don't. There was probably something wrong with the baby, as hard as that is to think about. I hope you don't feel to bad and I am thinking about and praying for you all. I hope your body and spirit heals fast. Sending big hugs your way.

Machelle

Anonymous said...

Hi Kristie,
I've followed your site for ?? I don't know maybe a year or so and have commented a couple times, under "anonymous" but they were good comments. One had to do with your Alaska trip. Anyway, you made the comment of why would people read and not comment..so then I felt self conscious so here I am commenting AND signing my name. :-)(sheepishly I might add). I'm really enjoy your blog. You crack me up and your surrogate story has been really informative. I'm glad your continuing on and I look forward to hearing the rest of the story. I will be in prayer for you and the intended parents as well.
Blessings,
Kelli in Oregon

Carol Van Rooy said...

I read the header and thought, CAN ANYONE HAVE THAT MUCH GOING ON IN THEIR LIFE AT ONE TIME??? Yep, and my prayers are with you.

I'd once thought of being a surrogate because I enjoyed being pregnant however I want no more of my own.

I guess I never even thought of the situation of miscarraige while being a surrogate.

I love the honesty of your blog.

Keep up the great work.

120 or bust said...

I am so sorry that you had this happen to you. You are a very special person for what you do. You were in no way at fault for this loss. Sometimes things just happen and you have to trust that god knows what he's doing. I will be praying for both you and the baby's parents.

Anonymous said...

i will pray for you and all involved.
also, for those who would like to become more educated about surrogacy( via not just Kristie's awesome blog) NEWSWEEK MAGAZINE this week has its cover story on surrogacy!

Dianna in Louisiana said...

HUGE Hugs Kristie---- so, so, so TOTALLY understand about the hormonal HELL that comes with a miscarriage.... so, so, SO understand. Just reminiscing about it makes my stomach turn. Be sure to be extra sweet to yourself!

LOLLY said...

Hello Kristie, I found your blog while searching for other people going through, adoption, infertility etc...
It would take many pages to fill you in on all I have been through, including two miscarriages myself and a recent hysterectomy due to fibroids.
I was wondering if you would email me privately..I would like to get some information on how surragacy works...We are on a waiting list now for adoption, but we have not ruled anything out.
I just want to find out a little bit of information from someone doing it, and how it all works.
EMAIL:
Ldockweiler0305@yahoo.com
Check out my Blog at: Lesleyhdockweiler.blogspot.com
Thanks!
Lesley

Trisha in Leesburg, VA said...

OK, so two things on tv made me think of you these past couple days. I am sending the links to explain!
:)

http://babymamamovie.net/

if this next link doesn't work go to myfoxdc.com and search surrogate!

http://www.myfoxdc.com/myfox/pages/Home/Detail;jsessionid=C35A88D24B5295EB194F020B52C5EB85?contentId=6193975&version=2&locale=EN-US&layoutCode=VSTY&pageId=1.1.1&sflg=1