Friday, January 07, 2005

“Proof that Hell exists on Earth” and/or "Why we hate steroids”



In case you couldn’t guess, it’s Steroid-Week (otherwise known as “Has anyone seen our normally well-behaved daughter and who is this freak who has taken her place-Week”) at the Escoe household. And if you’re one of those people who understands better when you have a picture to see, let me explain it to you this way:

"This is me"

"This is me on steroids"

Yes, yes, I admit I blantantly stole this idea from Julianna Banana's dad Terry, when he used the This-is-me-adorable-kitty-cat and This-is-me-on-steroids-ROARING-LION to describe their own situation a few months ago. Truly, parents of children on steroids anywhere can relate.

Perhaps an even better example is what happened at dinner a few nights ago, when we were serving up an exquisitely well-balanced and nutritious meal of grilled cheese sandwiches and left-over macaroni & cheese, and after Kendrie demanded her good-sized portion of mac & cheese I commented there wasn’t much left. Brayden said, “But I want some, too” and I turned to ask Kendrie if I could share some of hers with Brayden. She, I swear I am not making this up, started leaning over her place at the dinner table, arms surrounding her plate and bowl like a paranoid gambler in Vegas protecting his chips at the craps table. I just sighed, and turned to see if I could somehow scrape another serving out of the bowl, and the next thing I heard was Brayden ….. “Ewww, gross! Mom, she’s licking all her macaroni & cheese and then putting it back in her bowl so she doesn’t have to share!!!”

And in case you think greed at the dinner table is the only ugly side effect from steroids, let me also share with you a story about our neighborhood friend, 4-yr old Nicholas, who is in Kendrie’s class at school. They hit it off as chums right away at the beginning of the school year and we’ve gotten together a few times as families to let the kids play. This Christmas, while we were home visiting my parents, Kendrie announced to my mom that Nicholas was her boyfriend. Oh really??? That was news to Blaine and me.

Fast forward to yesterday, when we were watching Nicholas and I could tell throughout the day they were starting to perhaps get on each other’s nerves a little. It was the third day in a row they had been together, so that’s understandable (hey, I know *married* people who can't stand to be together three days in a row), but suddenly I heard screaming and yelling. Being the pro-active, involved parent that I am, I sat in my computer chair and waited for one of them to come to me and tell me what was wrong.

Nicholas shows up, yelling, “She pinched me ….. really, really hard!” ( think it was the *really, really hard* part that bothered him) immediately followed by Kendrie screaming, “He started it by punching me in the port!!!” (she has figured out that any intentional horseplay that involves her port area really makes me crazy and uses it to her full advantage.) I had no idea who actually did what to whom, so I told Nicholas to come with me and sit in the living room for a few moments, and told Kendrie to lay down on her bed until she could behave properly. Oh. My. Gosh. Did the dam ever break! She was laying on her bed, thrashing about, kicking, flailing, screaming all the while:

“You don’t love me anymore!”

”Nicholas started everything!”

“You care more about Nicholas than you do me!”

“I don’t want to be in this family anymore!”

and the ultimate, most painful threat of all,


Like I said, thank heavens only 55 days of the upcoming year will be spent on steroids.



“Taking those little green pills that my mom says make me cranky. I don’t think they make me cranky ………….. I just think my mom DOESN’T LOVE ME ANYMORE!!!”


Hey, this is Kristie talking ---- the best part is that the kids went back to school today and I’m betting ten to one that Kendrie is so happy to be back with her friends (and yes, even back with her boyfriend Nicholas) that she is pleasant and happy and distracted all day. And tomorrow is the last day of steroids!!!

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