Ty Pennington, eat your heart out

So, I've talked in the past about how lucky we were to get this house, in this school district, and how the previous owners renovated it from a tiny, older home into the house we currently enjoy. And while I feel blessed with every bone in my body to have gotten this house (Hello, Mr. Elementary School Principal, glad you don't hold a grudge!) and thrilled that we didn't have to do the work, and relieved beyond measure that buying this house negated what was pretty much the greatest financial mistake of our marriage ............. still, I have been slightly confused by a few things about our house.

I love being so close to the school, and our church, and the house is without a doubt bigger than any house we could have afforded to build ourselves, and I am so, so, so grateful we're living here and not in the middle of what I'm sure would be Renovation Hell in the first house we bought ..... but it's weird. I mean, the layout and design of this house is weird.

Who builds a 3600 sq ft house with only two bedrooms? Never mind the bedrooms are big enough to hold wedding receptions in, or perhaps land an aircraft carrier in ... who does that? And who builds a pantry bigger than most bathrooms, and puts in a state-of-the-art oven/stove/grill/vented hood thing .... but puts both of those items in a kitchen, the size of which is usually found in a much smaller house? And puts a closet in the upstairs bedroom that is bigger than most bedrooms? And yeah, we've got storage out the wazoo (remember, Kellen actually sleeps in a 20 x 12 ft CLOSET) but has a teeny tiny living room?

The living room is probably my number one pet peeve about this house. I'm sure it was the perfect size for the family before us, who only had one child --- I mean, it's not *really* teeny-tiny. That was me, exaggerating (imagine that.) But once you get all five of us sprawled all over the furniture, plus any friends my kids have over, or heaven forbid any of my family come over to hang out, not to mention the piano we purchased after the kids started lessons, ..... basically, there's just not as much room as we would like in some parts of the house, and way more room than we need in others.

We decided one way to clear space in the living room would be to move the entertainment center into the master bedroom and get a smaller, simple tv stand that wouldn't take up as much space. The entertainment center was something the previous owners left behind when they moved. First, I thought it was simple generosity on their part, leaving it behind for us to enjoy. Then I thought maybe since they were down-sizing they didn't want it. Because it's not just big, it's really big. After last night, we realize the *real* reason they left it behind is because it's so freakin' monstrous they couldn't get it through the door when they left.

There are two ways to get to the master bedroom, and both paths require a u-turn in a hall. Hmmmm. How do you get an eight-foot piece of furniture through a seven-foot doorway and turn a 180 degree corner at the same time? You don't. You measure, and squint, and discuss, and measure again, but ultimately, you don't.

So just what DO you do????

Like Larry the Cable Guy might say, you grab the necessary tools, and saw that sumbitch in half.

(OK, so maybe Larry the Cable Guy wouldn't really say that. But there's just something incredibly red-neck satisfying about the word "sumbitch" and I just don't get to use it often enough!)


First you discuss how hard the wood is, ie, "real" wood vs pressboard, and whether your skillsaw will be enough for the job.

Then you talk about the merits of actually sawing this piece of furniture in half, and how you're irreparably damaging a very nice piece of furniture for all time .... but really, what are your choices?


So the heck with it .... you start cutting.


At first your sister is all squinchy because she cannot believe the two men in the family -- one of whom has an engineering degree and one of whom has a surveying degree, so they both have a firm grasp on the concept of space and structure and form and dimensions, couldn't figure out a way to get that thing into the bedroom without sawing it in two .......


But eventually she comes 'round to your OCD ways, and even volunteers to hold the wet-vac hose while the cutting is going on. (Notice *I* am not doing anything? Besides documenting the entire process with photos for posterity's sake, of course. We all have our special talents, after all .....)

(Did I mention that my brother in law was diagnosed with walking pneumonia earlier this week? I'm sure the flying wood particles were especially helpful to his lungs.)


Holy canisters of Pledge, Batman! Had we dusted under the television since we moved here???? Ummmmmm, apparently not. But look! They got the sumbitch sawed in half!!! And since Cliff only coughed up ONE lung, and he has two, then everything is ok!!

And after moving both halves into the bedroom and reassembling, you can hardly tell any damage was done.



I owe my brother-in-law a very expensive thank you gift. Something perhaps nicer than the brownie sundaes I made for their whole family before they left. Because while the entertainment center was freakin' HUGE, it was the 37 inch console television that weighed 400 pounds and gave him a hernia, moving it. Kelly and I were both trying to help (but not succeeding, since we are basically puny little wimps delicate flowers) and we were ALL trying to keep Blaine from having to lift anything (what with the radiation and all ...... lightweight that he is) and so basically my brother in law wound up doing everything. Walking pneumonia and all.

Now, if you'll excuse me, before I can shop for his gift it appears I have some dusting to do.

PS. As an aside, this is the first time in twenty-one and a half years of marriage that Blaine and I have had a television in our master bedroom. I don't know whether to be sad because it appears as though the honeymoon phase is truly over, or to be thrilled because now I can watch Dancing with the Stars, roll over and go to sleep!