Q & A

Although there aren’t very many Q, to be honest. My comments always go way down when I write about the surrogacy, and I worry that I’m boring everyone to tears. But in the meantime, if you can stop yawning long enough to leave a question in the comment section, I’ll answer it here.

Sandie from MN asked: “Hey Kristie--As I am reading, I keep thinking about how expensive medical processes such as these are. I'm sort of wondering (if this is too personal, feel free to ignore me) about all the airfaire/hotels/eating out and how that adds up. Is it designated who pays for what? Does everyone split the bill? Now I am second guessing asking you, but as nosy as I am, I won't delete.”

Sandie, that’s a fair question. I mentioned, in a previous journal entry, that the costs for the Intended Parents can be prohibitive. As in, they pay for everything. That’s not to say I’ve *never* encountered any expense, because I have, but my occasional expenses are normally minimal. A pharmacy co-pay here, perhaps some long-distance phone calls, or faxing charges, some gas or parking fees,etc. Nothing that adds up to anything noticeable, at all. The rare expense I encounter that is very large, perhaps an unexpected medical bill, or long-term parking fees, I am always reimbursed.

The parents to be, however, can run up huge bills in addition to the medical expenses. Travel expenses for themselves and the surrogate, if the reproductive clinic is long-distance, the medical and/or life insurance that is sometimes required on behalf of the surrogate. Also, the medical screenings, the psych screenings, and legal expenses for everyone. It’s a little insulting, isn’t it, that *they* pay for a lawyer to look over a contract on my behalf, that another lawyer *they* also paid sent to me? And different clinics, agencies, and attorneys can have various charges such as counseling services, etc, that are required.

I’ve said it before, I don’t know the ultimate total cost of a surrogacy, and I don’t want to know. Every couple I’ve ever worked with has been gracious and generous and thoughtful. I don’t think I’ve *ever* opened my wallet at a restaurant, or a movie theater, etc, although I offer every time. And of course, like you mentioned, the big-ticket items are the IVF procedures, screenings, tests, and medicines themselves. What’s really discouraging, with this as with any fertility process, is that there is no money-back guarantee if it doesn’t work.

Does that mean every couple that turns to surrogacy is loaded? Of course not. But I would hope people would understand, and be sensitive about the fact that in addition to the mental and emotional investment, there is a financial burden as well.


Cindi asked: “It's very clear that being a surrogate requires a support staff. With Kendrie being so young, and there being three children, and Blaine not always available 24/7 for the kids, did you ever have trouble finding someone to watch your children when you had to leave town? Did many of your family and friends know what you were doing? And one more thing, if I'm not prying too much, did anyone try to talk you out of doing this?”

Cindi, you’re not kidding about the support staff. Technically, it took four people to get me pregnant …. Me, the IM, the IF, and the doctor. But if you count the peripheral nursing and lab staff, and all the people who cheered us on and supported us from the sidelines, it probably numbers in the hundreds!

After Blaine, who supported the idea without hesitation, I think the next two people I told were my mom and my sister. They were both of the attitudes (if I could be so presumptuous as to speak for them) that they had no idea why I would want to do this, but hey, if that’s what I chose to do, more power to me. Ironically, as other people found out about it down the road and questioned *them*, I think they became a little more quick in their defense of it. Then, once my mom met my first couple (that story to follow) she became the biggest supporter ever.

The next three people I told were close friends who I asked to write references for me when I applied to the surrogate agency. I received whole-hearted support from all three of them, especially my best friend Kim, whose own miserable pregnancy had prompted the entire experience.

As more people started finding out, I never had anyone try to convince me otherwise. I had one distant relative tell me all the reasons he thought it was a bad idea, to which I murmured polite mumblings and then have purposely never discussed it in front of him again, nor has he ever acknowledged it in any way. Honestly, ignoring it seems to work well for the two of us, so that’s ok. I don’t see him often, so his avoidance of the issue doesn’t impact my life at all.

The only comments I get that are negative in any fashion are along the lines of “Good for you, but I could never do that” to which I reply, “That’s probably for the best” or “Oh, well, I love it and feel lucky to get to do it” or, if I’m feeling especially snotty, I’ll reply ”I doubt anyone would ever ask you.” (No, I’m kidding. But wouldn’t it be awesome to say that to someone sometime?)

I also get “Isn’t it hard to give up the baby?” to which I usually reply, "No, because I have a cold, hard, shriveled-up raisin for a heart" .... then, after the awkward laughter fades away, because I guess people aren't sure if I'm kidding OR NOT, I'll normally explain, “I’m not giving it up, I’m giving it BACK.” I’ve tried explaining that it’s like babysitting your sister’s or cousin’s or best friend’s baby --- you care about it, but you don’t really want to keep it, do you?

And the only other comment I can think of that ever bothered me was when people would ask if my kids were confused by the process, and did I worry I was messing with their psyche to think people could just give away babies like that? I actually have a story I’ll share later about this exact thing, but my only response to that question is to clarify that, in my own personal opinion, as long as the surrogate has done her job explaining the situation to her children, then honestly, kids are probably more flexible and adaptable than grown ups. In fact, when Kellen was in the 2nd grade, his teacher announced she was pregnant. Kellen, age 8, raised his hand and asked, matter of factly, in front of all his classmates, “Are you having it for you, or for someone else?” The teacher was a little shocked, but you have no idea how happy and proud that made me, to know I’m raising such open minded children.

As far as the physical care of my own children while I was gallivanting all over the country for doctor’s appointments and tests and transfers and surrogate support meetings … yes, to be honest, at times it was tricky. My kids were young enough that they did not attend any kind of pre-school or day care, and of course we were living on an Air Force base in Ohio, far from family. If I was traveling over a weekend, Blaine was (has always been, and still is to this day) phenomenal with them and I never batted an eye about leaving. If I would be traveling during the week when he was working, or especially those trips where he and I had to go together, it was another story. If it was just a few hours, I would normally ask friends to watch them. Once, when a friend kept all three of them overnight and all the next day, my IP’s paid child-care wages to that friend. And more than once, if I needed several days’ worth of childcare, it was cheaper to buy my mom an airline ticket than to pay childcare for three kids. Once the kids got older and in school during the day, childcare wasn’t much of a problem anymore. But hands down, without help or support, no woman with children of her own would ever be able to be a surrogate. Or at least I don't see how. Yes, it might take a village to raise a child, but in this case, it took a whole damn village just to get to the point of getting pregnant, too!

Jen in Maryland --- go next door and ask for Barbara. Tell her I said a huge hello!!!

Becca – (hee-hee, you said “ass” in my comments. I love that. Have I ever told you that “jackass” is my favorite word in the whole entire world??)