Did It? Didn’t It?

Ahhh, the two week wait. That nail-biting time during which I promised myself not to scrutinize every twinge in my mid-section as an indicator of whether or not the transfer had worked ..... NOT to dwell on how I felt and did I feel any different and most important did I feel 48 or 72 or 96 hours pregnant .... what does 72 hours pregnant even *feel* like, anyway, and oh, wait, I AM ALMOST POSITIVE THAT CRAMP IN MY STOMACH WAS AN IMPLANTATION CRAMP AND THE EMBRYOS ARE ATTACHING I CAN FEEL IT I SWEAR I CAN ACTUALLY FEEL THE IMPLANTATION CRAMP!!!!!!! ----- oh, wait, that's just gas.

I was undecided about whether or not I wanted to cheat early with a home pregnancy test. If it was positive, I wanted to know as soon as possible. But if it was negative, I wanted to postpone the disappointment as long as possible. Our blood pregnancy test (beta hcg test) was scheduled for June 11, and my IM’s birthday was a few days before that, so I told the counselor I thought I might take a home test in the hopes of giving her good news on her birthday. The counselor, however, strongly suggested that I *NOT* cheat, and was emphatic about me not telling my couple either way. It’s possible to get a negative home test and actually be pregnant, and it’s possible to get a positive home test but not have a viable pregnancy. She didn’t want me to get my hopes up, or squashed, before hand … and she especially didn’t want me to stress my couple out either way. So I decided not to cheat.

Some of the friends in my mother’s club didn’t understand that I didn’t actually know already whether or not I was pregnant; that I had to wait to find out just like a “normal” person. Many assumed that because the transfer had gone well, I should have been able to find out if it worked right away. Like taking a test and having it graded immediately to find out if you passed or failed. Or, sort of like when Phoebe played a surrogate on Friends, and got a positive home test the same day as her transfer, claiming her body did things “faster than other people’s”. It might have made for good television, but was about as far-fetched as you could get. Depending on if the embryos attach, and when they attach, how many attach, when they start producing the hcg . …. all those things can affect home test results, and how early a home test might, or might not, show positive. Quite frankly, this is just one of those times in life when you can’t hurry it up, no matter how much you want to.

Finally, I got tired of people asking and not having an answer, so I decided to take a test early, simply to find out for myself. And, so I could quit mashing my boobs all the time, trying to feel if they were sensitive. They were, but I began to suspect my mashing them all the time had something to do with that. My keen sense of optimism was slowly disappearing, for two reasons. One, I was having absolutely no pregnancy symptoms whatsoever; no morning sickness, no fatigue, no hunger, no sore breasts (well, except for the continual mashing.) Never mind that I never had any of those things with Kellen or Kendrie's pregnancies. In my mind, I should have been having them, and the fact that I wasn’t worried me. Second, it was a bit of a defense mechanism. If I convinced myself it didn’t work, then I wouldn’t be as disappointed, right?

I took a home test, which was negative. And although I held out hope that the blood test scheduled for a few days later would be positive and we’d all get a pleasant surprise .....….

It wasn’t, and we didn’t.

Round number one = failure.

Man, that sucked.