Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I can't believe I'm going to tell you this ....

Yesterday, I was putting on a pair of jeans and thought I should depress myself further by looking at my rear in the mirror. You know the trick, right? You stand with your back to your "big" mirror, then hold a hand-mirror strategically over your shoulder so you can get the full view. Which is an unfortunate thing to do, and every time I do it I think "holy cow, my butt is even bigger than before" (or, as I was told by a professional yesterday, I have the genetic tendency to gain weight in unfortunate places .... um, thanks???)

So anyway, I was doing the whole backwards-mirror-depressing thing when suddenly I noticed a spot on my elbow. Sort of like a bruise, or an indention ... or maybe a deformity. And I (honest to Pete, I so totally did this) laid the mirror down on the bathroom counter and tried to look at my elbow by twisting my arm around. Did you know it is pretty much impossible to actually LOOK at your own elbow? But because I had forgotten that, I (again, no lie) starting turning around in circles, like a dog chasing my tail, trying to see whatever calamity had befallen my poor elbow.

Finally I realized how idiotic I looked, and that it was never going to work, so I grabbed the handmirror, and came to the conclusion that my "deformity" was nothing more than a crease from where I had been leaning my lower arms on the hard plastic armrests of my computer chair.

And after I breathed a sigh of relief that I didn't have elbow-cancer or anything, the thought that honest-to-goodness went through my head was, "I'm so glad nobody saw me do that."

Famous last words, right?

Later in the day I stopped at our local grocery store to pick up .... I don't even remember what. And as I walked from my car to the front doors, I glanced up and noticed my reflection. And as I walked right up to the entrance door, I got a *really* good look at the saddlebags on my thighs.

No lie, I sort of paused right there, a foot from the front door, in shock at how big my thighs are. (That's the part of our bodies we call saddlebags, yes? The poochy-out part of our upper, outer legs .... right?) So without even thinking about it I sort of slapped my upper thigh, and then shook it around a little bit, and said to myself in the reflecting door ... "My gosh, has my metabolism completely stopped??? .... and shook my head in disgust and walked into the store .....

where Kendrie's little friend Matt and his dad were in the check-out line right in front of the door, watching my insane-ness the entire time.

Egads. I'm going to go live in a cave somewhere and quit interacting with humans. A cave where no mirrors or reflective doors are allowed.

18 comments:

Natalie said...

Two years ago I was working on a temp job as a receptionist at a real estate office. I had lost some weight and thought I looked pretty good. I was wearing a pair of pants that I hadn't worn in awhile--and, I might add, I can't currently wear. Anyway, as I was walking to my car one evening, I walked past a big window. I sort of felt like I had a bit of a wedgie. I twisted my body around so I could see if it did indeed also LOOK like I had a wedgie. It did. And so I tugged it out, continuing to look at my behind in the window. Then over my shoulder I saw one of the agents walking right behind me and watching this whole performance. It was, of course, a man. The next day I started eating all of the Halloween candy they had set out for clients. Not surprisingly, I haven't been able to wear those pants since.

marci Connell said...

Kristie,
Dont worry seems you are just dealing with the horrible painful side effects of OLD AGE!!! Everyone deals with them girl and how many times have you been a surrogate, which counts as being pregnant...I know I have had 6 pregnancies and even though I lost 2 of them, the dctr said it still counts...It is sooooo hard for me to lose weight. I did lose some when I had Kaylee but went right back to my BAD HABITS of SONIC and STARBUCKS!!
Love< marci

Rosemary said...

Do yourself a favor, and don't look at your upper arms... mine scare me..

Marisa said...

I have handle bars (back fat) which is far worse than saddle bags! I'll trade ya !!!

Anonymous said...

"no mirrors or reflective doors/surfaces".....you just described my home!! Totally!! Mirrors stopped being my friend quite some time ago, around the time that my metabolism just, like, died.....

lizinsumner

Jacqueline said...

LOL...too funny. As a side comment, anyone know how when your thighs have a little too much meat to them and they slap together...we call em "Elmers"...LOL...it doesn't make the situation any better, but hey, at least I can laugh about it, right?

I was up in your stomping grounds yesterday and all I could think about was "is THIS the Sonic that Kristie goes to?" Sad...really sad of me.

Pam D said...

Handle bars..check. saddle bags...check. underarm wings...not to mention the perpetual 7-month pregnant tummy roll...double check. As of Monday, I started serious low-carbing. When I was younger, by the end of the week I would have already lost at least 5 lbs. As 50 comes careening towards me with lights flashing and horns blaring, I have one pound that can't quite decide if it's ready to leave or not. HATE this metabolism and all that goes with it. I'll have to remember to never look UP at those grocery store mirrors; thanks for the tip!

Karen - Mommy to four sweeties said...

Well you are definitely NOT alone. I am so disgusted with my fat a** lately. I want to lose weight and get in shape but can't get motivated. It is so much harder since I turned 40. Not to mention I am just so hungry. Vicious cycle.

Anonymous said...

Add age spots and gray hair and I'm living your life.....
Renee'

katy said...

Yep don't let anyone catch you looking at your reflection in the window and flapping your arm fat....for some reason people act like you have lost your mind if you are walking and flapping your arms...just sayin.

hennifer said...

I was going to say thanks for the chuckle and the comraderie, and I still will but I have to include all the ladies who commented as well.

thanks for the giggle! I can't stand all the ways my body pockets fat around. I am shocked there are names for them all.

Anonymous said...

Just so you have something to look forward to, let me just share with you the "proper" name for flabby, hanging arm fat: Hadassah arms are a symbol in of itself! You are still welcome to call your thighs and butt anything you like:). So glad you found the cure for elbow cancer - wish everything was so simple as a different mirror image. Take care..randy

Miscellaneous From Missy said...

I'm so glad you decided to share. I've had moments in my bathroom when I've thought, boy, I'm glad no one was around to see that, and then I go out in public and forget there might be people on the other side of that window. Petition to ban all reflective surfaces!

Anonymous said...

I think you're too hard on yourself. You're always talking about how fat you are, but whenever I see pictures of you I think you look great.

Lisa C.

Melissa said...

I learned the hard way after having my one and only child at age 39 that stuff doesn't snap back into place the way it might have if I'd had him in my 20's. Since he's been born, my whole body seems bloated and spongy, and I've given up on EVER fitting into any of my pre-pregnancy clothes. Not to mention the fact that I look like I could nurse a snake now.

Stacia said...

You just need to do like I do and squint alot. ;-)
If you don't look too hard you don't see it!
Thanks for sharing. It just reminds us that we all have things about ourselves that we would like to change but just need to learn to love.

Patty House, Jasonville, IN said...

LOL! You are hilarious! I don't think I've done anything like that...but then again..probably have. =)

Jenner said...

LOL! Been there, done that. I'm known for my embarrassing moments. Thanks for the laugh!