Apparently, I was correct when I stated to Blaine that owning an iPod would help me lose weight and get in better shape. My intent was to use it at the gym to listen to music and enjoy my workouts better (of course, by “better” I mean AT ALL.) But I was wrong. You don’t even have to go to the gym to lose weight with your iPod. I have discovered the secret, and am happy to share it with you:
TWENTY EASY STEPS TO LOSING WEIGHT WITH YOUR IPOD
1. Open birthday present containing iPod. Toss and fling wrapping paper and bow around room, exercising wrists. Later, once your children realize there is cake in the other room and leave you stranded and alone, pick pieces of wrapping paper off floor, pretending to touch toes a few times.
2. Pat self on back that husband picked up on your oh-so-cleverly-disguised clues about wanting an iPod for your birthday. Subtle, faint hints along the lines of “Blaine, they sell iPods at Wal-Mart. You DO know my birthday is next week, right?” When you open gift and see iPod, self-back-patting can commence. Pat with each arm 50 times, working those tricep-y things in the back of your arm that hang down and frighten you at baseball games.
3. Immediately put iPod in closet and do nothing with it for the next two weeks. Spend lots of time mentally compiling play list that you want …. But admit to yourself that “thinking” isn’t a Weight-Watchers approved activity.
4. Finally, finally, get iPod out of box and get ready to make music history.
5. Spend hours on iTunes downloading music, snacking on Quaker caramel-corn-flavored rice cakes the entire time, convincing yourself that if you eat food while listening to the very music you INTEND to exercise to later, those calories don’t count.
6. At long last, prepare to copy music to iPod.
7. Discover that apparently your computer is such an old piece of crap that it is incompatible with your new iPod because of some hi-speed vs. lo-speed USB something. Of some sort. Or something. Yell at computer screen. Pound computer desk. Kick leg of table. Swear. Shake fists at the heavens. Total body workout.
8. Dig through every fricken’ fracken’ piece of literature that came with the damn computer to find out if your USB-whatever-the-heck-that-is is hi-speed or lo-speed. Taking all those stupid manuals out of the computer desk, looking through them, and replacing them surely burns calories of one sort or another; bending, lifting, and replacing will whittle the waist.
9. Fire off extremely pathetic e-mail to girlfriend whose husband owns an iPod that works, begging for help. Acknowledge that finger-activity burns very little calories, so the typing itself is not helpful, but the hatred for all things technological coursing through your veins has GOT to be revving up your metabolism.
10. Go to local electronics store to ask about getting a new USB whatchamacallit, having to chase down sales representative in store. Walk at least a mile to and from registers to computer area, looking for elusive salesperson named “Dave”.
11. Accept that "Dave" has gone home for the day and wander up and down every aisle looking for the damn thing yourself. Stomp around the department when you can’t figure it out -- it’s like a step class and good for the calves. Power walk through the department, cursing and mumbling under your breath, until you realize the employees suspect you are shoplifting. Or crazy.
12. Buy something that looks like it might work and bring it home, only to discover you have no idea how to install it. Again, see: technology; burning hatred of; vein coursing.
13. Determine that to install new whatsitwhoozy, you must remove cover off hard-drive. Summon screwdriver, and husband to use it. Once cover is removed, commence to choke on the 79 pounds of airborne dust that is suddenly flying through the air. Coughing is VERY good exercise for the stomach muscles.
14. Remember that “supervising” from your computer chair is a very involved, high energy activity. Constantly leaning forward, to peer over his shoulder and offer helpful pointers, such as “I think that poke-y thing goes there” and “It looks like you need to line up the doo-hicky with the black blobby thing” and then leaning back to snort in contempt, is good for the abs.
15. Once new card is installed and working properly, and hard drive cover has been replaced, sweetly thank husband for his help and reassure him you can take it from here. Bonus calorie burn for smugness.
16. Realize you’ve somehow dropped your digital card reader behind the computer desk. Spend ten minutes trying to squeeze your size XL butt into a size M space between the wall and the desk to pick up the reader. Twist, turn, shimmy; all good for the hips.
17. Admit defeat. Yell for husband. Again. Louder when he pretends not to hear you. Throat and vocal cord exercises will prevent the need for chin-lifts later in life.
18. At long last, get all USB devices re-hooked up. Turn computer on. Jump up and down for joy when it actually WORKS! Jumping is good for the thighs, although not so great on the bladder control.
19. Attempt to transfer music from iTunes to iPod, holding breath the entire time. Breath-holding is a form of cardio and every bit as good for you as working on the elliptical.
20. Dance around the room in a combination of relief, happiness and pride when you discover the whole thing is working just as it should and you have jammin’ new tunes for your next visit to the gym. Dance into the living room to thank husband for cool gift and for his help. Dance around the room, congratulating self on your own fabulousness and extreme techno-savvy, until 7-yr old daughter states, “Mom, quit dancing. Seriously. I’m not even kidding.”
Number of cool new exercise tunes: Seventy-four and counting.
Total pounds lost: One. Half.
Blows to Ego: Too numerous to count