THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR

Can someone please explain to me why it is that every television set, in every hospital waiting room in the country, is apparently pre-set to Divorce Court? Or Jerry Springer? Are there little waiting room fairies, or goblins, whose job it is to find the dumbest, most inane shows, and make sure those are turned on? And why is it my fellow waiting-room family members (not MY family, mind you, but the other families who are also waiting) seem to find actual enjoyment in these useless programs? And why, also, everyone around me is usually DEAF, or at least hard of hearing, and why the televisions must be turned to FULL VOLUME?!?!?! SO THAT THERE IS NO WAY TO IGNORE THE STENCH OF FILTH THAT IS BEING REGURGITATED FROM THE TV?!?!?!?!?!?

(deep breath)

Now, I am by no means an intellectual snob, or highbrow. I like a good "Friends" re-run as much as the next person. But I truly don't understand why we must scrape the bottom of the FCC barrel while waiting around in hospitals. What's wrong with The Today Show? Or maybe a little Discovery Channel? Twice yesterday I was left alone in the waiting room, and both times I turned the tv to CNN and turned the volume down. Both times, within ten minutes, someone had come in, flipped the channel to Judge Hatchett, or Judge Judy, or Judge Somebody-or-another and sound-blasted the room again.

Why? Why??? WHY??????????

If I have to listen to one more episode of 19 year old Jerry Lee trying to tell his 17 year old wife, Taneisha, that he has no idea where the red thong panties she found in his glovebox actually came from ....... or 20 yr old Juan complaining that his nosy, bitchy mother-in-law is interfering in his marriage, while his 18 year old wife, Bobbie Sue, who happens to be the mother of his baby, cries on the plaintiff stand ...... or (GASP!) yet another SURPRISE PATERNITY DNA TEST RESULT ---- No, NO, "HE'S NOT THE FATHER OF YOUR BABY, YOU LYING, CHEATING SCUMBAG!!!" -------------- Well, I swear I will lose my mind.

Not that I actually *listen* to any of this. Oh no. There is a reason God invented portable DVD players and earphones, and this is it. But still, just glancing around the room, at the vapid, idiotic faces around me, who are captivated, who actually find this sort of crap titillating, it nauseates me.

While I definitely prefer the 1:1 Nurse:Patient ratio of Intensive Care, I have to admit that the solitude and peace of a private room is becoming more and more attractive.

I promise, I won't even complain when Blaine wants to watch The Weather Channel. Or even The History Channel for 24 hours straight. Unless they're airing a special episode about "Was Thomas Jefferson REALLY the Father???". Then, when you see a report on tonight's news about the crazy lady who threw the tv from the 9th floor of Ft. Gordon Army Hospital, you'll know what happened.