SPT Challenge May 5

According to Lelly, May is the month of weddings. I always thought *June* was the month of weddings, but our anniversary is in May, so clearly Lelly is right, and May is the month of weddings. Or, in the case of Blaine and me, May is the month of "Oh my Holy Hell, you're actually graduating from college this year and will be moving away soon with the Air Force and quite frankly, I'm way too lazy to put the effort into maintaining a long distance relationship but I like you too much to break up so what do you say we just get married? Ok? Yeah, me too."

Ahhhhh, young love.

So, in keeping with the theme, the Self-Portrait Challenges from Lelly for the month of May are:

May 5: Something old

May 12: Something new

May 19: Something borrowed

May 26: Something blue

I had what I thought was a great post idea for "something old" and was all set to take a photo today .... when my inherently spazoid nature took over and a brand new sort of "old" became apparent.

I went to the mall today in a desperate, pathetic attempt to buy a new outfit for a fundraiser banquet Blaine and I are attending Thursday night. The desperation and pathetic-ness came from my panic at discovering .... um .... I'm fat. I'm 40 pounds heavier than when I graduated high school, my high school reunion is this summer, but even more pressing than that is the banquet tomorrow night that I am attending with friends from high school, and OMFG what sort of diuretic can I take that will make me lose 40 pounds in the next 24 hours????

Although I don't feel the need to throw numbers or weight or sizes out here, because seriously, it will serve no purpose but to make me feel even SHITTIER about myself, I *can* tell you that I am at that awkward cusp .... almost too big to shop in "regular" stores, but not always big enough to shop in "plus size" stores. I'll find a cute outfit at Ann Taylor or Chico's, and think, "Oh, if only they had it one size larger ...." Then I find a cute outfit at Lane Bryant and think, "Oh, if only they had it one size smaller ..."

But this isn't a post about my weight because I already called my sister this week, ready to slit my freaking wrists in the dressing room of Kohls, and really, do we need to keep re-hashing the thing?

This challenge is supposed to be about something OLD, not something neurotic and annoying, like my obsession with my weight.

I officially proclaimed today "Official Find my Fat Ass an Outfit Day" and arrived at the mall, ready to try on every single outfit in every single store until I found something that made me look NOT like Bea Arthur, thank you very much, God rest her soul.

I walked, and walked, and walked. Although our local mall isn't huge, it is big enough that by the end of the day, I was tired, and ready to go. Bag in hand, I was feeling triumphant. (Score! Pirate-y sort of fluffy blouse camoflauges muffin top! And bought my first pair of Spanx!) I headed to my car, which was of course parked at the other end of the mall.

When I extended my hand to open the door to step into the parking lot, I reached to the top of my head to pull my sunglasses down. The thing you've got to understand is that I wear sunglasses pretty much every day. Every single day. Rain, shine, snow, it doesn't matter. I have light-colored eyes and simply cannot take the glare --- can't even sit facing a window in a restaurant. So I ALWAYS have my sunglasses either on my face, or on top of my head, and I've been that way since high school.

It was at that moment I felt my bare head, and I realized I must have left them in the dressing room.

AAAAGGGGHHHHHH!

I am ROUGH on sunglasses, (on, off, on, off, use as headband, on, off, etc.) and used to go through a pair every month or so. I always bought cheap glasses from the dollar store or Wal-Mart, but it seemed like they were always bent, or sat on my face crooked (what? one ear isn't higher than the other?) and finally, I decided to act like a grown up and pay for a REAL pair of quality sunglasses, hoping if they were expensive enough, I would take better care of them.

It actually worked.

I've had this pair for about a year and a half -- which is like, 172 in dog sunglass years. My sunglasses --- are OLD. And now they were lost.

Grumbling, I turned around and walked back the length of the mall to the store where I bought the pirate shirt. I could have driven, I suppose, but it was raining and I would have gotten wet and then had even more to bitch about, so I just walked it. Then, after retrieving my OLD sunglasses, walked back the length of the mall to my car.

However, this time, exhausted by my ardous trek, I stopped at the food court and bought a Diet Dr. Pepper, and, what was quite possibly the world's yummiest garlic-herb-parmesan pretzel.

No, I have no idea why I am chubby and have so much trouble shopping for clothes, do you?


Happy to be reunited with my OLD sunglasses.